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Home > Parenting


BULLYING: TEACH YOUR KIDS HOW TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES

Learn how bullying can impact mental health, as well as signs to look out for
and how to help your child if they're being bullied.

 * Childhood: 5 yrs+
 * Toddlers: 2 yrs - 5 yrs

Updated November 16, 2023


by Rachel Tomlinson

Registered Psychologist
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In This Article
 * What Is Bullying?
 * What Is Cyberbullying?
 * What Are the Signs of Bullying?
 * Why Do Kids Bully?
 * How To Deal With a Bully

“Mommy, that girl called me a mean name!” Name-calling and teasing are an
unfortunate part of childhood. Usually, teasing will happen between friends and
siblings, but it’s not typically harmful, although it can be hurtful. Such
behavior can be playful, friendly, or even mutual, and both kids are usually in
on the act. However, when teasing changes and becomes more consistent, targeted,
and unkind, it can cross over into bullying.


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WHAT IS BULLYING?

There are many types of bullying:

 * Verbal — name-calling, shouting, swearing, etc.
 * Physical — pushing, shoving, hitting, etc.
 * Psychological — taking money, making threats, exclusion, etc.

Bullying is repeated, aggressive, and intentional with actions that target an
individual or even a group of people who cannot easily defend themselves. It is
often associated with a power imbalance (real or perceived) between the bully
and the victim.1 Typically, we think of bullying as happening from person to
person or in “real life.” And while we know that bullying occurs in schools,
playgrounds, and other settings where children interact, we are also seeing a
rise in cyberbullying.2




WHAT IS CYBERBULLYING?

We have seen “traditional” bullying shift into the online world, and the concept
of bullying has extended to the use of the internet and mobile phones.3 All the
same bullying behaviors (except physical) can be replicated online (verbal and
psychological); however, cyberbullying behavior might look a little different.

Harassment could be sending large numbers of threatening texts or emails, or a
person could have their identity cloned and used for false social media accounts
aimed at embarrassing or belittling them. Or it could be spreading photos of
footage of someone online without their permission. Cyberbullies often use
anonymity online to threaten their victims and can “hide” behind their screen
names.


WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF BULLYING?

It can be heartbreaking for those being targeted by bullies. There can be many
effects of bullying, including social, emotional, physical, and psychological
effects. It’s essential to be on the lookout for bullying so you can support
your child. Some signs that bullying could be happening include the
following:4,5


 * Physical signs — These could include cuts, bruises, etc., that your child
   cannot (or won’t) explain. Their belongings could be damaged in some way or
   could have gone missing. They might also report symptoms like having a
   headache or sore tummy (or nausea).
 * Emotional signs — These could include fear of going to school or specific
   settings (childcare, after-school care, the playground, etc). They might
   return from such places sad, moody, or angry. Or their mood, in general,
   might appear more stressed or anxious than is typical.
 * Social signs — You might see things like school avoidance or sudden avoidance
   of places they previously enjoyed attending. Their friendship group might
   have suddenly changed, or they don’t seem to be hanging out with the same
   kids anymore. Or they could report being isolated or lonely at lunch and
   recess.
 * Psychological signs — These might include nightmares, sleep issues (insomnia,
   trouble falling or staying asleep), depression, anxiety, and loss of appetite
   (or, in the extreme, eating disorders). They may even start to do poorly in
   their education.


WHY DO KIDS BULLY?

There are various reasons that kids choose to bully. Some might replicate things
they see or experience at home, like aggressive behavior. It can also be common
for a child to start bullying others if they have experienced bullying
themselves at home (from siblings or parents) or in their community (from
teachers, other adults, or peers).6



They might also be lashing out because they aren’t getting the attention or
connection they seek. Or it could stem from their insecurity or poor
self-esteem, and picking on someone or making a victim of someone else makes
them feel more important or in control.7 And there is also a social element;
some children become bullies to elevate their social standing or could even join
in bullying behavior as a way of avoiding being bullied themselves.8


HOW TO DEAL WITH A BULLY

If your child tells you they are being bullied, it’s important to believe them
and give them the space to share what is happening. They will need some
nurturing, love, and guidance both at home and school to help prevent further
instances of bullying happening. Here’s how you can deal with this issue:




TALK WITH YOUR CHILD

Listening and talking are key. It would be best if you listened without judgment
(or your own big emotions) to find out what’s happening. It’s critical to remain
calm so your child has the space to share everything. Consider going somewhere
quiet where you can give them your full attention and ask them prompting or
simple questions so they know you are listening but don’t interrupt too much of
the “sharing” or “telling.” Summarize what you understand from the situation
(this validates them, but also ensures you have got it correct) and then
validate their feelings. For example, “I can understand why you feel so sad
about this.” Also, remind them it is not their fault and you are there to
support them.




DETERMINE THE NEXT STEPS

Praise and appreciate your child for telling you. Let them know you will work
together to find strategies to help out. Avoid putting any responsibility on
your child, like not telling them they should “Just stand up for themselves.”
You might even consider talking to them about why bullying might be happening
(you can share some of the reasons mentioned above) — but let them know
regardless of the reason, it still doesn’t make it okay that someone is bullying
them.




TAKE ACTION

Next, it’s time to put a plan and some strategies in place. Some things for your
child to consider might be:9,10

 * Walk away — Let them know that it’s okay to walk away and not engage with
   bullies.
 * Ignore it or try not to respond — Sometimes bullies are looking for a
   reaction, so it’s best to ignore them or not give them the big response they
   want.
 * Avoid — Are there places your child can avoid going, or times they should
   avoid those places?
 * Safety in numbers — Can they stay around certain people or in certain places
   to help them feel more secure?
 * Name what they don’t like — Bullies don’t like being called out. Depending on
   how far the bullying has escalated, it might be helpful to calmly tell the
   bully that what they are doing isn’t working.
 * Seek support — Loop in educators or support staff. It is much more effective
   and safer than directly contacting the other child’s parent. That way, they
   can help monitor the situation and provide consequences and an escalation
   point if things worsen. Ensure your child knows who a safe or appropriate
   person to approach for help could be in the particular setting where they are
   being bullied.

It can be hard for your child (and you!) when they are being bullied. Bullying
can have a lasting impact on well-being and mental health. So, it’s essential to
seek support as soon as possible or help your child develop strategies to
protect themselves. Children should not be made to feel responsible if bullying
occurs; instead, give them strategies to reduce the risk. If your child
struggles with their well-being because of bullying, consider seeking help or
guidance from their school or a trusted health professional.


 * Childhood: 5 yrs+
 * Toddlers: 2 yrs - 5 yrs

View Sources +-

At Baby Chick, we consult and analyze information from reliable authorities in
their respective fields to support our research and writing. These include
peer-reviewed journals, government and advocacy organizations, academic sources,
and more. Our goal is to inform and educate readers and provide them with
up-to-date, factual information. For more details about our content standards,
please review our editorial policy.

1. Vaillancourt, T., McDougall, P., Hymel, S., Krygsman, A., Miller, J., Stiver,
K., et al. (2008). Bullying: are researchers and children/youth talking about
the same thing? Int. J. Behav. Dev. 32, 486–495. doi: 10.1177/0165025408095553

2. https://doi.org/10.1177/0004867419846393

3. Espelage, D. L. (2018). Understanding the complexity of school bully
involvement. Chautauqua J. 2:20.

4. Stomp Out Bullying Organization. Signs your child is being bullied.

5. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.acap.2017.06.012

6. Copeland WE, Wolke D, Angold A, Costello EJ. Adult psychiatric outcomes of
bullying and being bullied by peers in childhood and adolescence. JAMA
Psychiatry. 2013:70(4):419. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.504

7. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020906513

8. Stomp Out Bullying Organization. Why do kids bully?

9. Rigby, K., & Johnson, K. (2015). The prevalence and effectiveness of
anti-bullying strategies employed in Australian schools. Australian Government
Department of Education and Training.

10. Stomp Out Bullying Organization. Are you being bullied? How to deal with
bullies.

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 * Author

Rachel Tomlinson Registered Psychologist
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Rachel Tomlinson is a registered psychologist and internationally published
author of Teaching Kids to Be Kind who has worked with adults, families, and
children (birth through eighteen years old) in… Read more

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