jezebel.com Open in urlscan Pro
151.101.130.166  Public Scan

Form analysis
0 forms found in the DOM

Text Content

 * The A.V. Club
 * Deadspin
 * Gizmodo
 * Jalopnik
 * Jezebel
 * Kotaku
 * Quartz
 * The Root
 * The Takeout
 * 
 * The Onion
 * 
 * The Inventory

Send us a Tip!ShopSubscribe

HomeLatestPoliticsEntertainmentWorkStyleHealthIn DepthThe ExpertsCelebrities
We may earn a commission from links on this page.





HomeLatestPoliticsEntertainmentWorkStyleHealthIn DepthThe ExpertsCelebrities






THE ANNOTATED GUIDE TO MAKING FAITH HILL 'HOT'

By
Moe
PublishedJuly 16, 2007

Comments (34)

We may earn a commission from links on this page.


Redbook happens to have a photo editor named Bruce Perez so we are going to be
reverse-sexist and, instead of the magazine's female creative director, blame
him for the fact that Faith Hill looks sooooo very Carrie Underwood on the cover
of Redbook. We don't know Bruce, but here's what we imagine he told the
underling charged with this Photoshop task... after the jump.

Watch
TKTKTK



CC
Share

Subtitles
 * Off
 * English

Share this Video
FacebookTwitterEmail

RedditLink

view video
RHONY’s Ubah Hassan on Her Fight With Erin in Anguilla
TS Madison Tells Jezebel How She Learned Beyoncé Sampled Her
September 15, 2023
Stars of ‘Once Upon a One More Time’ Test Their Britney Spears Knowledge
August 28, 2023


From: Bruce Perez, Photo editor, Redbook

To: Intern David

Okay, it's not Kate Winslet or Oprah or anything but don't expect to make it to
Quiz-o or Misshapes or wherever you young folks are buying your cocaine these
days: call it in delivery because this is a, ahem, project. It turns out Faith
Hill looks sort of like your mom. Frankly, of course, if your mom looked like
this, I'd still have to do her, but Redbook is under strict instructions to skew
younger and if anyone is going to be in touch with what the Girls Gone Wild
generation is looking for in a magazine it is not the editors over there. And so
weight of the task, kid, falls on us.


Advertisement




Some more salient of the fixes:

1. SCALP: You know what we need here? Some more frickin hair. Please, we could
practically reuse her to illustrate one of those perennial female pattern
baldness pieces. HELLO, did she not get the message that extensions are the new
earrings? Take it from Lauryn Hill, white bitches INVENTED the weave, just like
Koreans invented fake nails. And speaking of, Faith: nice manicure! For me to
poop on!!

Advertisement




2. CROWS FEET: What's this under those eyes? Blanche? Dorothy? Jesus Christ,
we'll try to get you overtime for this shit.



3. THOSE CHEEKS: What exactly do you think she's hoarding in there? Snacks to
get her through Ramadan? And boy could bitch take a little time out on that
deviated septum...

Advertisement




4. OMG THAT EARLOBE: This is a personal one, since no one will probably be able
to tell once it hits the cover, but please do some work on that hideous earlobe
of hers for me and ixnay on the fucking MOLE. Lasers were invented for a reason,
lady!

5. NECK: I feel bad about hers.

6. LIPS: More lines! Ugh: What's this bitch do, move her mouth into unflattering
positions for a living?

Advertisement




7. CLAVICLE: I know they're hot in New York, but so are those fucking terrorist
scarves. This shit does not fly in Middle America. Just pretend like she has no
bones. Also, get rid of that welt from the strap of her dress digging into her
flesh; we know she's fat. Everyone else doesn't need to.

8. BACK FAT: What is this, the new muffin top? She's spilling out all over that
attractive sundress. Gross. And could her posture be worse?

Advertisement




9. THAT HAND, #1: What's it DOING there? Ugh, I don't even want to know. Make it
an arm. And pleaaaase make it look like she's sucking in her tummy like a good
celebrity.

10. ASS: Chop.

11. ARM: is absolutely FINE, with about 50% less girth and 80% less Mystic Tan!
It'll probably look unnaturally long and frail and Teen Vogue on the cover: I'm
okay with this. Anything to spare readers the grotesque sight of THAT HAND, #2.

Advertisement




All right, see what you can do, and don't stop till she looks at least as young
as Reese Witherspoon, or someone, you know, the kids your age would jerk off
too. I have faith in you. Ha.




—BP

Show all 34 comments













word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word
word word word word word word word word

mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1
mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1