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KANDYNOLESSTEVENS

learning life's lessons
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June 16, 2023


HUGS FROM HEAVEN – HBD REED



Dear Reed –

Happy birthday, Sunshine! I hope that all heaven celebrated you today.  Like the
ebb and flow of the tides, my heart rose and sank all throughout today.  For
your birthday eve, I slept the sleep of the angels as I was still recovering
from a cousin concert trip of a lifetime.  What a blessing to celebrate with
those who see and love me, but mostly who understand what it means to love the
way you did – rEVOLutionarily!

As I was groggily awakened by the singing of what sounded like a choir full of
birds before the sun rose, my heart sank because I realized that I would once
again greet another day without you.  Yet, I somehow feel nature knew my heart
needed comforting.  Upon opening the window shades, I saw that the “Wales” rose
was dripping in bloomed flowers.  A slight smile curved my lips as I thought of
all the times we dreamed together looking out that window, especially during our
crazy stay-up-late cheering for Olympic team nights.

I barely stepped out of our room before my phone started pinging with messages
of love from those who loved you with all their hearts and who remind us they
continue to love you.  Your Boy Scout brother, your best friend, and adopted
aunties, followed by so many more.

While I posted a birthday message to you on social media, Dad exuberantly shared
that our new “dragon” plant (Oh how you would love that!) was ready to bloom. 
Seconds later, he exclaimed, “The cardinals are flying, and they are
everywhere.”  I smiled through my tears as Dad, Clo, and I gathered to look out
at your memory garden looking for any flash of red feathers. 

The love messages on Facebook and Instagram continued throughout the day.  An
early one caught my eye and took away my breath.  A dear friend simply wrote:

> Happy birthday Reed! Give mama a sign today. Hugs to you Kandy!
> 
> AG

How could she know that even though it’s your birthday, my one wish was for
heaven to touch earth today.

The rest of the day was spent with other messages that surrounded us all with
love and support.  We will never be able to repay all the kindnesses, but our
hearts’ songs will always replay the wonder of their love.

We spent the evening gathered together as a family for an evening of golf and
dining, simply remembering you.  The time laughing and duffing around was
amazing, but my heart was aching because this is the last time, for a while,
that we will all be together as we soon start a really southern branch of Team
Stevens, captained by Sawyer and Sydney.  Before we loaded sweet A into the car
with Erin and Grant, I made sure to give her extra kisses from you.  Perhaps the
goodbyes for now lingered longer today, because on your birthday we are reminded
of the ache of waiting for heaven.

As I prepare to go to bed, my heart smiles because what happened earlier today
could have only been orchestrated in heaven.  For a few years now, we celebrate
today as “Be Like Reed” day.  Sometimes it’s enjoying ice cream for supper. 
Other times, the day is devoted to getting outside and doing something you would
love.  But today, I chose to “Be Kind like Reed” and treated my concurrent
enrollment summer school class to an iced coffee bar to start class.  Since
today was our last day in person, I thought it would be the perfect way to honor
how you truly loved people.  Normally, bookbags begin to shuffle minutes before
class ends.  But not today.  Class ended, only my students didn’t leave.  One by
one, these sweet students came up to thank me for the coffee, for the class, for
making them feel like they would be successful students in college.  What
happened next was definitely not expected.  One asked if they could give me a
hug, to which I enthusiastically replied – YES! Then I explained how Dad says I
should come with a warning sign – “Look out! She’s a hugger!” They laughed, and
then each one lined up with hugs.  Each embrace filled my heart with joy, but
the last one, oh the last one.  That one filled my eyes with happy tears.  She
enveloped me and gave me one of those colossal bear hugs just like yours, with
smile radiating as if it came from heaven.

So, my friend’s words were prophetic.

I got the sign! Thanks for that. Even though it feels light years away,
sometimes heaven isn’t so far away.

My heart feels recharged to go out and to keep on loving – just like you.

I love you always.

Holding you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms again.

Love, Momma

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February 20, 2023


A DEEPLY ROOTED LOVE . . .



Dear Reed –

I love you so much, a love so deeply rooted that every cell in my body knows
this day is approaching.  February 19 being the worst day of my life probably
comes as no surprise to anyone. But what would perhaps shock most people is the
agony of losing you is also marked by enduring February 18 which I consider to
be the last fully happy day.  You know from heaven’s vantage point I have had
happy days since your heaven date fifteen years ago, but none, not a single one,
of those happy times exists without a quiet tug at my heart, realizing that you
weren’t there to share in the moment or that I couldn’t tell you about it
later. 

So it was yesterday, we endured that last happy day – the quiet before the storm
of the brutalness of revisiting the day you died.  Like any beautiful love
story, the last couple days have had moments completely immersed in love and
dark brush strokes of sadness which only illuminate how love still wins.

After breakfast with Sawyer and Sydney yesterday, the day started by celebrating
KR’s birthday by treating him to a dinosaur traveling exhibit.  When we peered
around a corner, he blurted out, “That’s a Spinosaurus” with the same conviction
that you used to use when rattling off dinosaur names.  I stopped in my tracks
because the beauty of the moment was so perfectly reminiscent of when we took
you and Sawyer to a similar exhibit at the Hjemkomst center. 



We later spent the afternoon and evening attending the wedding of extended
family and enjoyed, however briefly, visiting with Erin and Grant.  We returned
home early after a deeply brutiful moment when I was overjoyed for our friends,
but absolutely heartbroken watching a dance that I will never get to experience
with you, thinking of all the times we twirled together in kitchens, hotel dance
parties, and deep belly chuckles at your little old man from Six Flags dance
interpretations. The trip home was a sea of tears, happy ones for the revelers,
sad ones for all that we miss.  My thoughts turned over and over in my head, my
heart, and wearing out my soul.

I am fairly certain a mother’s love co-mingled with exhaustion and sadness wiped
me out for the evening. Unlike other years, sleep was not elusive.  Before first
light, my heart knew that I would have to walk through this day.  Yet, I was
comforted knowing I wouldn’t be traveling alone. Besties and adopted kiddos made
plans to surround us with love. From “I just happened to be in the neighborhood”
bear hugs to requests to take us out to lunch where our loves didn’t bat an
eyelash, when we asked if instead, we could do an indoor picnic and then a walk
in Reed’s Woods.  Their hearts understood the resonant chords of our need to do
the things you loved, and in every way, the time spent together was perfect.

Even before today, the love and support extended have spoken to my soul.  Some
have whispered their love softly through text messages, even at the beginning of
February just letting me know they see me, they remember you, and they want me
to know they are thinking of me, of us.  Others have loved fiercely, ensuring we
know you are not forgotten, ordering that we were being kind and gentle to
ourselves, and filling a part of the day listening to old stories, but most
importantly saying your name.  The thing my heart longs for always. All the
while, my heart remembering –

> You were brilliant. You were laughter.  You were imagination. You were light.
> You were love.



I always look for a sign from you on this day, and perhaps the best was the hug
I got shortly after our morning hot tub soak.  I was cooling down on the bed,
when Navy, the grand-pup, jumped up on the bed, something she hadn’t done
before. Her furry little face looked deeply in my eyes, and then in the most
perfect moment, she laid down on my chest and neck, and hugged me.  I looked at
her, wide-eyed, and asked, “Did Reed tell you to do that?”  Her response was to
hug me again. 

My heart could almost hear you whisper, “Just do it, girl.  My mom will know. My
mom will know.”

I knew, Reed, I knew.  And I love you, too.

Loving you always until I can hug you again.

Love, Mom

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August 23, 2022


THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH



A while back, my husband, daughter, bonus mom, and I did something that was
probably a first for our alma mater, collectively we nominated my dad’s
basketball team for the university’s Hall of Fame. Three generations of fans
worked together to highlight the accomplishments of one team. We are excited to
announce that he and the entire team received word that they were selected for
induction for the Class of 2022 Awardees. We had such a whirlwind summer that I
am finally able to start sharing some of the amazing goodness. But we will start
with sharing a long overdue accolade. We believe that we were not the only
nominators, but there will definitely be some that say that nepotism played a
role in our nomination. I understand the sentiment, but I also know as a science
and math specialist that numbers don’t lie, such as a perfect 10-0 conference
season. Of course, I am one of my dad’s biggest fans, but I also know that this
team deserves this award.

What follows is our letter to the Hall of Fame reviewers.

The Greatest Show on Earth

1989-90 Comet Men’s Basketball Team

In the world of incredible sports achievement, it is easy to overlook the
individuals and teams which triumph even in the face of adversity. Some sports
legends are made from “Cinderella seasons” like the one which describes the
1989-1990 Comet Men’s Basketball team. Starting the season with five straight
losses and not much size in the basketball world, the team of only nine players
rallied to have one of the greatest comeback stories in Mayville State history,
ending the year with a perfect 10-0 conference season.

Many amazing stories and athletic feats were accomplished by this team
throughout the season, but one game encapsulates the success of the 1989-90
Comets. With a lackluster season start, a proverbial fire was lit on the bus
ride to the University of Mary when against his personal coaching philosophy,
Coach Noles transparently shared with the team that he had never beat Mary on
their home court . . . ever. Like a match thrown into a tinderbox, from the
initial tip to the final buzzer, the Comets were on fire. The whistle blew and
the tip went to Cedric Weatherspoon. The first three drives up the court by the
men’s team were all connected three-pointers and all three were unmatched by the
opponents. Down 9-0, the astonished Mary coach called a timeout and all in
attendance in the gym, including the Comet bench, heard the plan. Shut down
those 3-pointers! Play proceeded with small in stature but BIG in court
presence, Kevin Kemp bringing the ball up the court. A few passes and the ball
was eventually pitched out to Todd Olson, who was standing six to seven feet
behind the three-point line. Like poetry in motion, a signature head nod fake, a
quick look, a shot, and nothing but net. The Comet bench went wild, knowing this
was their time. They rose to the challenge and never looked back. At half-time
the Comets led by 40 points. The team went into the half-time locker room with a
changed energy and renewed confidence. The second half of the game ended much
like the first, but with one of the best comments of the season. Eventually, the
subs were sent in and finished the game as strong as the starters. While
watching the Comets trounce the Mary team, Neil Steffes made several attempts to
get Coach Noles’ attention, eventually capturing it. Coach! Coach! We’re not
only beating them at home, we are kicking their butts. The Comets returned home
to Mayville with a renewed vigor and determination and surprisingly awoke to a
newspaper article showcasing their talent and appeal. Following the decisive
defeat of Mary, the Bismarck Tribune’s sports headline stated “The Greatest Show
on Earth” was not the Ringling Bros Circus, but rather the title and honor
should be bestowed to the 1989-90 Mayville State men’s basketball team. 

Other and subsequent games showcased the talent and heart of a team that many
discredited at the beginning of the season as not being able to accomplish much
of anything. In fact the limited team numbers required that Assistant Coach, Mic
Laroque, a non-traditional student, play on the practice squad in order to have
a full count of ten men on the court. This team consistently proved the adage
that it isn’t always the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight
in the dog that matters. The Comet’s season delighted hardwood fans across the
state with solid performances by all team members and ended with a record 10-0
conference season and an overall record of 15-10. Three Comets – Jim Hedstrom,
Todd Olson, and Cedric Weatherspoon, earned All-NDCAC team honors with Olson
being named to the All District 12 team. 

Currently three members of this team have been recognized as Mayville State Hall
of Famers. The Comet accomplishments on the court, in the classroom, and in the
community at large for Neil Steffes, Todd Olson, and Cedric Weatherspoon were
achieved only with the support of other great hoops showmen. This fact was one
that was noted in a class act at the conclusion of the season. For the end of
the season team banquet, the starters, Jim Hedstrom, Mark Olson, Todd Olson,
Cedric Weatherspoon and Neil Steffes went to Coach Noles and asked for all the
substitute players to be named the year’s MVP’s. Stating that they themselves
didn’t deserve the honor, the season’s named MVP’s were awarded to Kemp Kemp,
Ryan Flanagan, Kurt Olson, and Ken Kantack. 

For the reasons outlined above, most importantly for the recognition by the
starters for the importance each team member played, and as three generations of
Comet fans, we believe the entire team deserves Hall of Fame recognition. We are
proud to nominate the team and coaching staff of the 1989-90 Comet Men’s
basketball team for consideration for the Mayville State Hall of Fame class of
2020 

Respectfully submitted by three generations of Comet fans, 

Lorraine Nowatzki Stevens (Class of 1963)

Dr. Kandy Noles Stevens (Class 1991) 

Daniel Stevens (Class of 1994) 

Erin Stevens (attender 2017 & 2018) 



1989-1990 Mayville State University Men’s Basketball Team

I am excited for this team, especially my dad. Currently, he is working on a
memoir of his years as a coach, which we hope to release through our publishing
company later this year. Being his co-author and learning more about how
basketball changed his life, and by extension mine, has been both an
illuminating and humbling journey. So here’s to all the coaches and how the
teams they coach have always been a big part of their story.

Congrats to the entire 1989-1990 Comet Men’s Basketball team. We are incredibly
proud of you all.

2 Comments
June 16, 2022


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUNSHINE!



Dear Reed –

Here we are again celebrating your life and the day God gave us you. Today, my
Facebook memories popped up with pictures of you only a few days old.  I looked
at the photos and my heart stopped. Momentarily I was transported back to when
we brought you home.  I was so proud to be your mom, but I was also worried I
wouldn’t know what to do. Scared I wouldn’t get this motherhood thing right.
Delighted my dream came true, but equally terrified that I wouldn’t be enough.
As I stared into the pictures, you were so tiny, and I marveled at every part of
you.  Just looking at the pictures took my breath away. As I looked at the
picture of you and me, I wanted to tell the younger version of myself to never
let you go because the time we will share together would never be enough. 

Reed and I just a few days old. He was so tiny . . . only 7 pounds.

Even though I cannot call you up and hear your voice, I still think about your
perspective on life and how you might view things.  This past year has been
exceptionally challenging for me, and there were so many times where I was
disappointed in how mean and cruel people can be. I just simply will never
understand when people spew meanness because someone has a different opinion
than theirs.  In every moment of despair, I remembered a conversation that you
and I shared just a week before you returned to heaven.  In our chat, you told
me, “Mom, it’s not going to be long now.”  Thinking you were talking about
getting home, I thought you were correct because we were only a few blocks from
home.  But when I inquired what you meant, I marveled at how someone who came
into the world looking like a little old man could also have in twelve years
acquired the sage wisdom of an old soul.  “Mom, I mean it’s not going to be long
before Jesus comes back.” 

My heart broke then because your assessment was based on the sadness and trials
you perceived in the world.  If you saw the dividedness and incivility now, I
can only imagine the weight of sadness you would carry for the world.  But what
faith that you believed with all your heart that hope exists!  You always
believed in a better world and through your actions, you strove to make the
world a better place. I genuinely wish more people could live like you – just
loving people for who they are, even when they weren’t always kind to you in
return. 

Tonight, I wanted to celebrate doing something you loved; so, we chose to go to
the Canaries game because you LOVED baseball.  What blew me away was right there
at the ball park; someone extended a kindness that was exactly like something
you would do.  I explained the significance of our outing and asked for a
picture of our group with Cagey, the mascot. Upon hearing the story, I received
the biggest hug which was amazingly similar to one of your sneaky squeezes.  So
even in a world where I don’t hear your name as much as my soul needs, a
baseball mascot gave me a squeeze and recognized that if nothing else, my momma
heart needed a hug.  You were always my sunshine, and tonight that sunshine came
wrapped up in yellow canary feathers because he was right.  A hug was exactly
what I needed. 

Even if my arms cannot hold you, my heart always will, and I will always be your
Momma.

I will always love you.

Happy Birthday, Reed!

Love, Mom

1 Comment
February 20, 2022


HEY REED . . . A LETTER FOR HEAVEN



Hey Reed –

I both love and hate writing this letter every year.  Please know that loving
you is never a burden but missing you exacts an enormous weight.  I can hardly
believe that another year has gone by that we don’t have the joy of holding you,
hearing your silly stories, seeing that beautiful smile, and being swallowed in
one of your sneaky come from behind bear hugs.  What I would not give to hear
you whisper one more time, I’m going to squeeze the stuffins out of you.

Although we all miss you, we continue to live on, carrying your legacy of loving
others because we so desperately want your memory to be about how you lived . .
. not how you died.  The indelible marks of that day will never leave us, but
some of those marks have changed us in profound ways.  The people, who awoke
that morning fourteen years ago today, aren’t the same people who are still
here. In so many ways, I miss those people. I miss the carefree days when life
was just life, and not life now and life BC (before the crash). We have learned
to continue to keep moving forward, holding you tightly in our hearts and in our
memories, but there are days where my soul aches to have the ability to go back
to the life we had before you were taken from us and Sawyer and Erin were hurt. 
But through it all, we continue to choose to love. 

This past year has been filled with some incredible joys.  Sawyer and Sydney got
a great new place, and we had a blast (and walked about a bazillion steps)
helping them move.  The best part is you would have loved seeing him drive his
Peggy (Carter) MG across town (even though the tough traffic resulted in a
sunburn).  We got a lake place and Damien is there too.  I can only imagine the
shenanigans you two would find.  Let’s just say, I am not bringing the ping pong
table there just in case your namesake and his papa want to relive the glory
days.  Erin and Grant got engaged.  I am pretty sure you would have a few words
about his alma mater, as we know how much you loved Lakeview. Seeing you,
Emilee, Hunter, and Jesse inducted into the Hall of Fame was a truly beautiful,
yet brutal, experience.  Having so many in attendance with us was such an
incredible reminder of the legacy you leave. And, then there is Clo. I am sure
you would have rolled in laughter at our Christmas card.  I assure you she is
doing way more than existing (and I am already bracing my heart for when she
heads to college). Today you would have been so proud. She made it to the finals
in speech at the Marshall Spectacular.  I know you would have bragged up her
tenacity to try something new while basking that she was the only sibling who
followed your footsteps.

Just knowing today would arrive is always soul-crushing.  While we have had
many, many reasons to find joy and to celebrate, living through a pandemic and
watching how exceptionally cruel and mean-spirited people can be to each other
just to say they are right has been so exhausting.  The entire world is grieving
some aspect of life, and grief itself is draining.  I think back to the
conversation we shared exactly a week before you went home to heaven.  It’s not
going to be long now, Mom. Thinking you were meaning getting home for the Mardi
Gras celebration, only to wonder how I was lucky enough to have such a deeper
thinker as a son, you told me that you thought that the world was struggling so
much, that Jesus had to be coming soon. 

For you, it was a prophetic utterance.  For us, it left a longing, but even in
the midst of that yearning, we still feel your presence.  Much to my heart’s
dismay, we haven’t had a steady cardinal presence in quite a while. I’ve chalked
it up to maybe it’s because we have a new hunting bird dog, but deep in my soul
I have questioned why.  That flicker of red feathers, the cheery song, they have
brought us such peace.  Why no cardinals now?

But this morning. The day when my heart’s scars are bare for the world to see.
This morning, as I let the dogs out, I heard an unmistakable song.  Despite the
freezing temperatures, I left open the screen door to hear the most beautiful
concert of a cardinal singing with all his might, knowing exactly what my soul
needed.  Tears streaming down, I could almost hear him whisper, “I am going to
sing to all your stuffins, because I love you, Mom.”

I love you too, Reed, and I always will.

Love, Momma

2 Comments
October 11, 2021


LEAVING A HALL OF FAME LEGACY



Grief can be an exhausting tangled web of emotions. In one moment, laughter
erupts from a shared memory from a loved one gone too soon, and the next
inconsolable tears fall from the realization of all that will never be shared
again.  The rollercoaster of emotions that we experienced this past weekend is a
perfect example of a brutiful experience.  An absolutely amazing and wonderful
honor was bestowed upon Reed (and many others, including those who went to
heaven with him) and yet emotionally exhausting for those of us who carry on his
legacy.  Simultaneously, both beautiful and brutal.

While we were given some recognition for a conversation that led to the creation
of the new Lakeview Hall of Fame, I feel the honor of that achievement goes to
our good friend for planting the seed and for the current school principal who
along with the committee members really made the Hall become a reality.  They
are the true reasons to celebrate this achievement.

Like many pandemic experiences, this one, too, had to wait until it was safe to
gather.  But the organizers picked the most awesome time to reschedule,
Homecoming 2021.  The weekend started with the homecoming football game where
the families or honorees were to be announced at half-time.  The inaugural class
consisted of eight individuals and two teams.  Because we feel that Reed’s
greatest legacy is the way he loved others and created chosen family, we invited
both biologic and chosen family to stand with us for the weekend.  To be
entirely, honest, I am not sure I could have done it without our children and
extended family surrounding us with love. 

As we walked out on to the football field, I was filled with an overwhelming
sense of comforted joy because I realized that those who love us the most were
either present at the game or watching the live stream.  The love which binds us
together is one of Reed’s greatest legacies.  We watched and cheered for all of
the other inductees, and we were completely in awe of the 1980s girls’
basketball team who wore their letterman jackets to the field.  What a cool
touch of the legacy of champions they created.

Photo by Jacki Kyllonen photo by Jacki Kyllonen Photo by Jacki Kyllonen Photo by
Jacki Kyllonen. I am hugging the boys junior football coach, Coach Grandpa!

Friday night’s festivities were followed by a Saturday morning induction
ceremony and brunch. Before we entered the school, we gathered as a family and
prayed around the flagpole that once stood as a marker of one of Reed’s greatest
achievements as a Laker, bringing back the See You at the Pole event. Holding
hands together and saying a prayer thanking God for our ability to join as a
family and to be the keepers of Reed’s legacy warmed my heart and steeled my
courage.

As a former teacher of the school, I was excited to learn the stories of the
other inductees.  While I didn’t know any but the most current honorees, hearing
the stories of achievement of individuals from years gone by was truly
awe-inspiring.  A few tiny towns in southwestern Minnesota truly have much for
which to be proud from these individuals. 

Each inductee/team had the opportunity to share about their season or life, and
I shared about Reed’s.  You can watch the full ceremony from the school’s
YouTube channel.  Reed’s story begins around the 55-minute mark.  Creating the
plaque that now hangs in the newly created Hall of Fame was agonizing for me,
because how do you condense such a big (even if brief) life to a few words. 
Thanks to Sawyer for reframing that anguish by reminding me that we who love
Reed are his greatest legacy, and that the plaque serves as a tiny touchpoint
for sharing that legacy with others just like we do in every other thing that
bears his name.  My overall message for the day was Reed – loved God, loved his
friends and family, and he LOVED being a Laker.

Reed Stevens, Inaugural Class 2021, Lakeview Hall of Fame One of our
granddaughters viewing the entire Hall of Fame Class of 2021

All the experience was truly emotionally draining, and all of us had to revisit
the grief of losing Reed much too soon.  Remembering the cool things he
accomplished in just twelve years was a beautiful journey down memory lane. But
we realized that while his picture and some of us achievements hang on the wall,
his greatest legacy are the ones who love him and who keep his memory alive. 
Whether in person or in spirit, they were all there remembering Reed – one of
the newest members of the inaugural class of Lakeview School’s Hall of Fame! For
both of those achievements, we could not be more proud!   



Video credit to Phil Lalim (on behalf of Lakeview Schools)

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October 4, 2021


WHEN YOUR GUT DOESN’T KNOW HOW NOT TO BE SOUTHERN



Growing up Southern is an integral part of my identity.  Early in my adult life,
I didn’t realize just how deeply engrained the customs, mannerisms, traditions,
and the foods (definitely the foods) were in my life.  Perhaps, I have taken my
Southern-ness for granted having lived so many years closer to Canada than the
Gulf of Mexico, but I think I just grew comfortable in my own skin and habits
over the years. 

As I have grown more seasoned (which I much prefer to growing older), I have had
to make some adjustments to my Southern habits. Believe me, not because I wanted
to, but I once realized that my daily habit of drinking sweet tea sun-up to
sun-down was having a huge impact on my asthma.  That realization was not
without pain. 

Would I have to give up my Southern card if switched to unsweet tea? (If you
didn’t read that sentence emphasizing unsweet tea with your most sinister voice,
you probably didn’t read it correctly.)  Oh, I am definitely aware of the memes
which highlight that only unsweet tea is left in the coolers during hurricane
preparation shopping. 

Image Credit White_Goodman on ifunny.co Original Tweet: Dustin Miles

But in an effort to help to get my asthma under control, I had to limit the
sugar I was taking in to control rampant inflammation in my body, specifically
my lungs.  As much as I thought it might kill me, I did not perish switching to
drinking the unsweetened version of perhaps the South’s most beloved and perfect
beverage. 

That experience is probably what has given me the courage to deal with my
current health issue which I truly debated about sharing in such a public way. 
In the end, I decided that much like my grief journey, my wellness journey could
possibly help someone else, and thus, I erred on the side of being transparent. 

In the last few years, I have been experiencing some really uncomfortable gut
symptoms which have led to feeling yucky and tired overall.  Part of me chalked
this up to becoming more seasoned.  Another part of me thought perhaps the four
years in which I chased the jaunty chapeau (aka earning my doctorate) while
working full-time and raising a family that maybe I just plain wore myself out. 
But some recent tests revealed that I have SIBO – Small Intestinal Bacterial
Overgrowth.  There’s a lot more to that diagnosis, but the short version is that
we all have bacteria in our digestive system and somehow the bad ones have
exploded in mine. 

Based on the information I received before the testing, I wasn’t really shocked
by the diagnosis.  Nor was I shocked by the treatment plan which will require
some lifestyle changes, some supplements, and some dietary changes. What shocked
me was the pages and pages of items that I could and could not eat.  The doctor
was giving the play-by-play, when I insisted on seeing the beverages.  He
assured me that I would be taking the lists home, but I needed some immediate
reassurance that I would be able to still drink – yes – you guessed it – iced
tea! Once confirmed that I was cleared to drink tea, I could focus in,
concentrating on the new dietary restrictions.  Even though the information was
overwhelming, I eventually noticed a pattern.

Teasingly, I said – So essentially, you are asking me to not be Southern for a
while.  My doctor, who has been my friend for a quarter of a century, looked
perplexed.  I highlighted the list of no’s: no potatoes, no corn, no sweet
potatoes, no okra, no butterbeans, no turnips.  You get the picture. He giggled
and retorted to not even think about fried chicken.  I didn’t ask about biscuits
because frankly, that would be blasphemy (even though I know they are off limits
too for a while). 

So much like my mantra to get through doctoral school, I will face every day
with a “I can survive anything for 16 weeks” attitude. I am confident that my
body can and will repair these “out of proportion” issues, and I will cheer
Southern self on with a few good y’all’s, yes ma’ams, SEC football games, and
definitely some iced tea!

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September 8, 2021


THE JOY AND PAIN OF THE 1ST DAY OF SCHOOL



Today was a BIG day.

For many students across the country, today they embarked on new learning
adventures with the advent of a new school year. Mommas beamed and maybe shed a
few tears.  Some maybe even celebrated. Photos were taken on the front steps or
in front of the school to record this annual rite of passage.  Our family
participated in this ritual along with everyone else.  Although some of us
started earlier with post-secondary studies, we have four members of Team
Stevens currently attending or teaching school, and today, we celebrated the
mess of out of our high schooler and our first-year teacher!  As a veteran
educator, today can often feel like Christmas morning waiting to unwrap the
possibilities of all the learning and teaching that will happen. 

First day of school Classroom sign for our first-year teacher

But different than what I am seeing in social media lately, the emotions
associated with today’s first day of school were not completely one-sided.  So
much of what I have seen in recent days, weeks, and months is so slanted that
the message almost reads, If you don’t live, think, worship, believe, speak, or
vote the way I do, then you are wrong. Plain wrong. Definitely wrong.

Earlier this summer, I spoke at a women’s event were I sharing about two things
that I believe are slowly destroying women in this country.  One of those things
was the fear of the other.  Whether we subscribe to the sentiments or not, we
are bombarded with messages that those who are different from us are to be
feared.  Moreover, those messages often suggest that there are no areas of gray
when it comes to daily living especially when it appears everything can only
exist as polarized opposites.  

To anyone who has received those messages, just don’t believe them. I stand as
the antithesis to that faulty logic.  I celebrated my daughters today, my own
teaching and continued learning, and my son in medical school.  I praise God for
the opportunities we have to learn and all the ways we will use our learning to
help others, including ourselves.  But at the same time – literally, physically,
emotionally, spiritually – my heart ached for what I didn’t have today.

But I have learned that not everything in life is as simple as black or white,
because I deeply understand joy and sadness can co-mingle.  One of the babies we
lost, whom our son Sawyer lovingly named, Tim, would be a senior in high school
this day.  Even through my cheers and happy well wishes for all that was, my
heart ached for what wasn’t.

And, that is okay. I, like every other human, is allowed to live a diversely
complex and complicated existence.  I wouldn’t say I am comforted knowing that
this day full of hope and anticipation is also met with sadness by other
grieving families for whom this day is emotionally challenging. But being
equipped with that knowledge reminds me to reach out to those in my care whom I
can just simply say – Your baby mattered too.

My heart will make it through, but today I needed to say his name.  My soul
needed to be reminded that while I never held Tim in my arms, my body once
cradled his tiny form, and my heart loved him from two tiny pink lines.  That
same heart has loved him every day since and always will.

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June 16, 2021


HAPPY BIRTHDAY REED!



Hey Reed –

Happy birthday!  I can only imagine that birthdays in heaven truly are something
special.  I messaged my friend today who shares your birthday to tell her how
thankful I am to celebrate her on this day because knowing I can makes not
celebrating you a little bit easier.  I am so thankful God made her my friend
for a myriad of reasons, but this is definitely one of them.  Her sweet response
explained that she was having a good day, but she was certain that your heavenly
celebration was even better.  On this side of heaven, I am thankful for all the
little signs of you today, like the temperature reading on my computer being
your football number much of the day and the cardinal singing without stopping
while I was working outside.

We continue to miss you, but we feel blessed and at peace that we are the
keepers of your legacy.  Just tonight on a quick run to pick up Sister’s
birthday present we stopped by another store, and I saw some really awesome dog
toys.  Unlike Hucky (please give him a giant squeeze from me because I miss him
all the time too), our current pups seem to go through their toys really
quickly.  I was looking for something fun and different than what they have had
recently.  Among the toys was the perfect stuffie with long legs for dragging
around and substantial weight for ruggedness, the only draw back was it was a
cheetah.  Nope. Not going to happen. I simply cannot.  The Reed Stevens Legacy
Program where we give away Reed-A-Cheetahs to the surviving siblings of any
child who dies at Avera McKennan is going strong. Even writing that gives me
waves of bittersweet emotions. Pride because your love for others lingers in
every family that is touched by your generosity, but sadness because we are
awaiting the arrival of another batch of cheetahs any day now.  This has been a
long and complicated year with the pandemic, and knowing the rapidity with which
we went through cheetahs this year breaks my heart.  Yet, knowing how much those
cheetahs mean to our family, I simply could not allow a cheetah of any fashion
to become relegated to the dog toy graveyard, much like Sid’s backyard in the
original Toy Story. 

I just could not.

While the year has been hard, the realignment of priorities was much needed. 
Being forced to be still and be isolated at times helped us to realize that our
life goals of loving Jesus and loving others will forever be the most important
things in our lives.  Although we wish we could somehow move Minnesota next to
Florida while we drag North and South Dakota with us, like the opening of the
Scrambled States of America game we all loved to play, we realize how large the
ache we have for missing you carries over into time we missed with others we
love this past year.  We decided to finally make a big dream come true and we
bought a lake place.  I think you would love it there. 

Over the weekend, we had a bunch of people you loved over to visit and others
have lake places right close to ours.  We spent the time loving them all and
spending time with the m.  Uncle Davy had the grand idea last night to walk to
the Dairy Queen, and all of us decided to get Blizzards in honor of you, even if
a day early.  We are nothing if not creatures of habit, since not all of us were
present, we enjoyed Blizzards again tonight.  I am 100% certain you would
approve, but I also know you would question if I was actually your mother having
ice cream two nights in a row.



I am still that woman who on this day I realized her dream of becoming a mom. 
But I am also the mom for whom the aches of every day life ebb and flow because
grief is such a terrible companion.  I was reminded of that pain in such a
profound way on our drive home from Alabama that I don’t think I will ever be
able to remove the etching of that raw grief from my soul. 

On our trip home, we stopped at a rest area in Kentucky and we were taking a
long walk to stretch our legs on the paved sidewalks throughout the location. 
As we rounded a corner of the building, there was a tiny little bird hopping
around and squawking the most pitiful sound.  I watched the little bird very
closely to see if she was injured, because clearly, she was in distress.  She
seemed to be physically fine and as you know, even if I did catch her, what
could I have done for her while still driving back to Minnesota. Not to mention
potentially breaking environmental laws while I was at it.  I said a quick
prayer for her in my heart, and we continued to walk as we neared the next
corner of the building where I realized the cause of her distress.  A tiny
barely hatched baby bird had been knocked from its nest due to the high winds
and was clearly gone.  My heart broke into a million pieces and my eyes welled
with tears, because that precious little momma bird was telling the world, one
Kentucky rest-stop patron at a time that her heart was shattered because she had
lost her baby bird. 

I will never forget her anguish or the depth of her pain because I know what it
is like to lose my baby bird. I have learned that even though we are doing well
doesn’t mean we are always okay. In that moment watching the gut-wrenching
scene, I recognized all the ways the momma I was before losing you isn’t exactly
the same momma who writes to you every year.  This momma carries the gigantic
hole in her heart, but uses that emptiness to love others every chance she gets.
Just like her baby bird once did.  She will always love you and all her kids
(biological or otherwise), and she will never tire of sharing your light with
the rest of the world. 

You will always and forever be my sunshine.  Hug all my people, Hucky, and maybe
that baby bird for good measure if nothing more than for your momma’s heart.

Loving you fiercely until I can hug you again. 

Love, Mom

3 Comments
March 15, 2021


CHOOSING MY SUPERPOWERS



Happy Monday Y’all! 

I am mustering every ounce of positivity that I can on this blustery snow storm
Monday, especially since during the last week I was going on walks in t-shirts. 
Yes, in Minnesota. Mother Nature definitely packed a punch with her rather
exclamatory – Spring Break is over folks. Now, let’s get back to business.

We have a snow day today on campus, which seems ironically at odds with that
last sentence. Although I didn’t travel for Spring Break, I did travel
metaphorically speaking.  This journey is one that took a long time to unpack,
but once I did, I really feel that I emerged on the other side feeling much more
comfortable in my own skin.  More importantly, even if I didn’t physically
travel to find respite, I have uncovered a newfound peace, and isn’t that what
breaks are for?

It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that my very
existence is offensive to some people.  Wow!  Read that bold statement again,
just to let it sink in.  I promise I will explain, but the reality is that being
an educated female, Christian scientist/educator/professor ticks many of the
boxes of people who love to dismiss others.  Although I have felt (and in some
cases been explicitly told) these sentiments, pursuing my doctorate really
brought to light the messages – both subtle and overt – that I experience on a
regular basis. 

Here is a smattering of some things that have been said – yes out loud – to me.

Why are you taking time away from your family to get a doctorate?  You don’t
really need that.

How can you say you’re a Christian and also be a scientist?

So, were you not successful as a scientist and that is why you became a teacher?

You know, colleges are just places of indoctrination for the liberal way of
thinking.   

I’ve heard these and countless others, and every time I am shocked. There have
been many, many times that I am 100% positive that I was noticed more for my bra
size than the capacity of my brain, and as such, have been dismissed for my
questions, suggestions, and responses.  While I don’t feel I need to justify my
existence or answer any of those questions, I will acknowledge that within this
country, we still have a long way to go, baby.  There exists a strong
anti-science and anti-intellectualism movement within the United States, and
well, as much as things move forward, we are simply not there yet when it comes
to girls and women being valued for their intelligence.  Hence, the bold
proclamation that my very existence is counterintuitive to those ideologies.

But, here’s where the story gets really good.  I can be defeated by this, or I
can choose to rise above it.  The choice is ultimately mine to make. I not only
choose to be comfortable in my own being, but I will also claim my education,
interests, and talents (given by God and polished through dedicated hard work
and study) as my superpowers.  I choose to use those superpowers to live a life
of loving others and to bring positive change to the world.

And so, it was, one day last year prior to the pandemic really reaching the
Midwest.  The first publicized case in Minnesota wouldn’t be for another month. 
I volunteered to be a driver for a friend who needed to have a surgical
procedure in the cities.  While she was in surgery, I caught up on grading (not
one of my superpowers for the record) and watched as families came and went as
other procedures began.  One family had a little girl who was waiting so
patiently in the beginning to have her arm reset after breaking it.  It was
clear that as time wore on, she used up her goodness and mercy and was becoming
really antsy.  Her parents were trying everything to keep her occupied, not with
much success.  As any superhero educator would do, I had my Mary Poppins-esque
teacher bag along.  I pulled out some printed pages I no longer needed and a few
colored pens.  I explained to her parents that I am a teacher, indicating I was
a safe person, and wondered if the little girl could still draw with one hand. 
Just as I gave the sweet little girl the make-do entertainment, I was called
back to the recovery room to get the instructions to care for my friend, and I
thought I would never see her again. 

I didn’t, but as we were loading up to leave the hospital, one of the nurses
came running back with my pens and this beautiful drawing. 

This picture made my day, because I got to be her superhero when she needed one.

Because I have had to deal with parameters and beliefs others have about me and
my life, I could easily absorb them and make them my limitations.  I just simply
choose not to, even if they hurt and shock me every time. 

I choose to ignore the non-sense and to make the change I want to see in the
world, even if it is one waiting room and one little “student” at a time, I will
show up to use the superpower of being an educator every . . . single . . .
time.

Shine on, my friends.  Use your superpowers today even if the rest of the world
tells you can’t fly.  Take it from me and Buzz Lightyear – you KAN FLY! And, oh
the difference we will make!



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