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https://emergingminds.com.au/resources/parenting-after-a-separation-or-divorce/?audience=family
Submission: On August 06 via manual from AU — Scanned from AU
Submission: On August 06 via manual from AU — Scanned from AU
Form analysis 6 forms found in the DOM
POST https://usebasin.com/f/8877398f8f57
<form class="satisfaction-form__form-useful" action="https://usebasin.com/f/8877398f8f57" method="POST" enctype="multipart/form-data" id="satisfaction-form--useful" data-satisfaction-useful-form="">
<input type="text" name="page_title" value="Parenting after a separation or divorce - Emerging Minds" class="hidden" tabindex="-1">
<fieldset>
<div class="satisfaction-form__yes-no satisfaction-form__row">
<legend class="satisfaction-form__bold">Was this information useful?</legend>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radios">
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="yes-useful0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22" name="useful" value="yes" data-satisfaction-radio-useful="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="yes-useful0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22">
<img src="https://emergingminds.com.au/content/themes/frame-custom/built/images/thumbs-up.png" alt="">
<span>Yes</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="no-useful0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22" name="useful" value="no" data-satisfaction-radio-useful="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="no-useful0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22">
<img src="https://emergingminds.com.au/content/themes/frame-custom/built/images/thumbs-down.png" alt="">
<span>No</span>
</label>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</fieldset>
</form>POST https://usebasin.com/f/219120e3d1df
<form class="satisfaction-form__form-questions" action="https://usebasin.com/f/219120e3d1df" method="POST" enctype="multipart/form-data" id="satisfaction-form--ratings" data-satisfaction-ratings-form="">
<input type="text" name="page_title" value="Parenting after a separation or divorce - Emerging Minds" class="hidden" tabindex="-1">
<div class="satisfaction-form__form-rows">
<fieldset>
<div class="satisfaction-form__rating satisfaction-form__row">
<legend>Did this information give you new ideas to support your family?</legend>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radios">
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">Not at all</span>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1" name="rating_support" value="1" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
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<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2" name="rating_support" value="2" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3" name="rating_support" value="3" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4" name="rating_support" value="4" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5" name="rating_support" value="5" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6" name="rating_support" value="6" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7" name="rating_support" value="7" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">A great deal</span>
</div>
</div>
</fieldset>
<fieldset>
<div class="satisfaction-form__rating satisfaction-form__row">
<legend>Do you feel you know when and where to get more support?</legend>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radios">
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">Not at all</span>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1" name="rating_more_support" value="1" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2" name="rating_more_support" value="2" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3" name="rating_more_support" value="3" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4" name="rating_more_support" value="4" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5" name="rating_more_support" value="5" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6" name="rating_more_support" value="6" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7" name="rating_more_support" value="7" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_more_support0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">A great deal</span>
</div>
</div>
</fieldset>
<fieldset>
<div class="satisfaction-form__rating satisfaction-form__row">
<legend>Did this information help you to learn more about this topic?</legend>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radios">
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">Not at all</span>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1" name="rating_learn" value="1" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-1">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2" name="rating_learn" value="2" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-2">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3" name="rating_learn" value="3" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-3">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
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<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4" name="rating_learn" value="4" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-4">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5" name="rating_learn" value="5" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-5">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6" name="rating_learn" value="6" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-6">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<div class="satisfaction-form__radio">
<input type="radio" id="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7" name="rating_learn" value="7" data-satisfaction-radio-star="" tabindex="-1">
<label for="rating_learn0-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20-21-22-7">
<span class="o-icon">
<svg aria-hidden="true">
<use xlink:href="#icons--star"></use>
</svg>
</span>
</label>
</div>
<span class="satisfaction-form__radios-label">A great deal</span>
</div>
</div>
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<button class="satisfaction-form__submit" data-satisfaction-form-ratings-submit="" tabindex="-1">Submit</button>
<p class="satisfaction-form__error" data-satisfaction-form-ratings-error=""></p>
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data-js-reload="field_1_3"><label class="gfield_label gform-field-label gfield_label_before_complex">Please select the newsletters you'd like to receive:</label>
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<li class="gchoice gchoice_1_3_1">
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<div class="gform_footer top_label">
<button class="button button--dark-grey " type="submit" id="gform_submit_button_1" tabindex="-1">
<span class="button_text t-black"> Subscribe </span>
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</form>POST
<form action="" method="post" class="learningListLogin_form" data-learning-list-login-form="">
<div class="learningListLogin_error" data-learning-list-login-error=""></div>
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<label class="learningListLogin_label" for="learning-email">Email Address</label>
<input class="learningListLogin_input" type="email" name="email" id="learning-email" tabindex="-1">
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<div>
<button class="learningListLogin_button" data-learning-list-login-button="" tabindex="-1">
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Home / Resources /
PARENTING AFTER A SEPARATION OR DIVORCE
EMERGING MINDS, AUSTRALIA, NOVEMBER 2023
Related to Family conflict, separation and divorce
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Definition
Emerging Minds acknowledges that families come in many forms. For the purposes
of easy reading, the term ‘parent’ encompasses the biological, adoptive, foster
and kinship carers of a child, as well as individuals who have chosen to take up
primary or shared responsibility in raising that child.
All children are affected by the quality of the relationships around them. After
parents separate or get a divorce, children can adjust and have better mental
health and social and emotional wellbeing when:
* they have a strong and supportive relationship with their parent/s; and
* their parents are able to communicate and co-parent positively.
This resource offers tips for separated parents about:
* keeping or rebuilding a supportive relationship with your child
* co-parenting that supports children’s wellbeing; and
* communicating respectfully with and about the other parent.
KEEPING OR REBUILDING A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD
What children need from their parents after they separate is exactly what they
needed before: to feel safe, secure and cared for.
When you’re navigating a separation or divorce, it’s normal to be ‘caught up’ in
your own emotions, stressed and irritable, and sometimes overwhelmed. At those
times it can be difficult to parent in the way you used to or the way you want
to. On the other hand, some parents feel relief, joy and hopefulness about the
future.
This can be an opportunity to think about the kind of parent you want to be, and
perhaps make some changes and build even stronger relationships with your
children.
It can be helpful to find time to consider these questions:
* What is important to you as a parent?
* What kind of relationship do you want to have with your child?
* What could you do differently?
* How do you hope your child will remember you, and the relationship you had,
when they look back on this time?
* What values would you like your child to learn from you? How do you
demonstrate those values?
* Is there anything about parenting you want to learn or work on?
* What do you want your child to see and remember about how you and their other
parent communicate and make plans for them?
* Who in your support network will understand why these things are important to
you and support you to parent the way you want to? Who will be there for you
when you need a break or some support?
Your answers to these questions will help you stay focused on the type of parent
you want to be and to act and make decisions in line with your parenting values.
This will strengthen your relationships with your children and make you feel
more confident and satisfied in your parenting, too.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
There are some everyday things you can do to stay connected and strengthen your
relationship with your child:
* Find one-on-one time for your child (or each of your children if you have
more than one). It can be hard to find the time and energy every day, but
look for pockets of time you can talk, play or just hang out with your child.
This helps your child feel connected and safe and gives them space to ask
questions or share any concerns with you.
* When you are together, give them your full attention. Tune in to what they’re
interested in or want to do with you and how they’re feeling.
* Have fun! Squirt them with the hose. Tell bad jokes (or send your pre-teen
silly GIFs). Play hide and seek.
* Provide them with lots of reassurance and affection. Show how happy you are
to see them again after they’ve been at school or childcare or their other
parent’s house by greeting them with a smile and a hug.
* Be clear and firm about family rules, and what behaviour is and isn’t
acceptable. Understanding that everyone is dealing with stresses doesn’t mean
ignoring behaviour that you wouldn’t normally allow. Children feel secure
when they know what the family rules and limits are.
Predictable routines and familiar activities are important for children. Keeping
the following things in mind will help children adjust and settle into the ‘new
normal’ after you and your partner separate:
* Stick to daily and weekly routines and allow children to continue their usual
activities like sport or music as much as possible. It’s important to keep
them connected to friends and doing the things that they enjoy.
* After all the changes and stresses, you might need to reintroduce routines
around mealtimes, getting ready for school/childcare in the mornings and
winding down/getting ready for bed in the evenings.
* When children are going between two homes it’s important that they know what
to expect. Having some consistent routines in both homes can help. Generally
young children don’t have a good sense of time and might confuse days, so it
can be helpful to use visual reminders like a calendar or weekly planner with
pictures to help them understand what’s happening each day.
* It also can be helpful to have a ‘settling in’ routine each time a child
arrives at one parent’s home – it could be a cuddle on the sofa as they tell
the parent what’s been happening at school, or some alone time in their room
reading or playing music.
* While it won’t work for everyone, some families told us they chose
‘bird-nesting’ at first – where children stay in the family home and their
separated parents move in and out on a rotating basis (e.g. one lives in the
home for a week, then the other moves in for a week) – as a way of keeping
stability and familiarity (same rooms, school, routines) for the child.
> ‘[Research shows] children can be highly adaptable and resilient to living
> between two homes after separation as long as there’s a really clear routine
> [and] stability. As long as children know that every Monday Mum picks me up
> from school and that we have spaghetti for dinner and Dad takes me to
> basketball practice every Wednesday, and Thursdays I go to OSHC and so on, it
> takes the guesswork out of being a child [with separated parents].’
>
> - Roxanne Nathan, Counselling Team Leader, Relationships Australia
CO-PARENTING THAT SUPPORTS CHILDREN’S WELLBEING
‘Co-parenting’ is a term for the relationship between parents who are not
partners anymore but who share responsibility for raising their children.
> When separated parents are able to move as smoothly and quickly as possible to
> a positive co-parenting relationship, it greatly supports children’s
> wellbeing.
Positive co-parenting means:
* making sure your child knows you both care for them and want to do what’s
best for them
* cooperating to make plans and arrangements for your child’s care
* keeping the focus on your child’s needs and interests, and considering their
views
* communicating respectfully – not criticising or blaming the other parent
* trying not to argue or show bad feelings towards each other.
The way you and your co-parent behave and communicate in front of your child has
a great impact on their wellbeing, now and in the future.
MAKING ARRANGEMENTS
Developing a healthy co-parenting arrangement isn’t always easy or
straightforward. It can be challenging, and discussing and agreeing on care
arrangements and financial responsibilities can take time.
Before you start trying to plan or negotiate arrangements with your former
partner, it might help to consider your answers to these questions:
* How would you describe the kind of relationship you want with the other
parent into the future?
* What is important to you in terms of how you go about working with the other
parent going forward?
* When you’re working out arrangements with the other parent, what will help
you keep your child’s needs, interests and wellbeing in focus?
* What might make that difficult to do?
* When your children are older and look back on this time of their life, how
would you like them to remember and describe how you worked with the other
parent?
* What are some of the things you’re currently doing to try to reduce the
amount of conflict that your child might see or be aware of?
* What have you heard or learnt from other people you know about different
types of parenting arrangements after separation?
* Which are you most drawn to?
* Which might work for you and the other parent right now?
* Which are out of the question for you (or them)?
Often, care arrangements need to change over time as children grow up and their
needs, interests and activities change. For example, very young children might
need more time with their primary caregiver, while older children might need
flexibility to maintain their peer relationships and sport, school or work
commitments.
If it’s safe and appropriate for your child, be willing to try different
arrangements and agree to review and make changes if things aren’t working. For
example, if your child is about to start school, you might agree that they live
with the parent closest to the school most days of the week until they settle
in, and that you’ll review how that’s working at the end of the first term.
If you and the other parent are unable to agree on parenting arrangements, get
help from a family mediator or counsellor. Find out about family counselling
services or call the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Parents who have been through a separation or divorce, and health professionals
who have worked with separating parents, told us what helps parents develop a
positive and cooperative relationship that supports children.
Focus on what’s best for your child
Research shows children of separating parents coped better when their parents
were able to see the situation from their child’s perspective, understand their
needs and focus on what was going to be best for their child.1 Parents are more
likely to cooperate and agree if they’re both committed to doing so.
Thinking about your child’s needs and feelings, and trying to maintain as much
‘normality’ as possible for them, usually leads to decisions that will best
support their wellbeing.
Shift how you see your ex-partner
Rather than seeing your former partner as your ex (and focusing on all the
things you don’t like), try seeing them as your child’s other parent, whom they
love and will have an ongoing relationship with.
> ‘I was really mindful of doing my very best not to get upset and angry about
> my ex with [my kids]. I recognised that wouldn’t help anything. It was their
> dad, and they were going to be spending time with him … And it was my job not
> to help him, but to help them create that relationship with him.’
>
> - Emi, parent of four
Agree on the ‘essentials’
You may not be able to reach an agreement on everything, but try to decide
together what’s most important to your child’s wellbeing that you’ll always tell
the other parent and discuss together.
For example, you might accept that your child won’t eat as much healthy food
when they’re at their other parent’s home, but decide that sticking to the same
night-time routine and bedtime is important.
Try to agree on the issues that you’ll keep each other informed about – like any
health issues, injuries, school reports or feedback from their teacher, and
important events or activities coming up. One parent talked about having a
shared folder online where they and their partner put their children’s notices,
diary dates and appointments, ‘so we both know what is going on.’
Try different methods of communicating
If talking is too difficult in the early stages of your separation, what else
could you try? Some parents find using email works best, and texts only for
emergencies or if they’re running late for pickup, for example. Others have
found it helpful to use apps designed to enable separated parents to communicate
and share information and children’s weekly schedules. Over time, in-person
communications might become more relaxed – and it’s helpful for children to see
their parents are able to talk to one another.
Stick to plans – but also be flexible
Once you and the other parent agree on plans, it’s important you both stick to
them. Children need some certainty at this time. They need clear and reliable
arrangements for their care, so they know what to expect.
Children also adjust better when their parents are willing to be flexible – when
there are special events or reasons that they might prefer to stay at one
parent’s home instead of the other’s, for example. If parenting arrangements
aren’t flexible it can negatively affect children’s wellbeing. When children
feel their views are not considered, they might feel disappointed, upset,
frustrated or anxious.
This doesn’t mean you need to always do what your child wants – but it is
important for children to feel heard and have their views considered.
> ‘Like, you know, it’d be awesome if I could just say, “Right, OK, I’m only
> coming this weekend.” Or to be able to say, “Right, me and my girlfriends,
> we’re going out to the movies … we’re going back to so and so’s place for a
> sleepover.” … Like, I want to be able to say that. I want it to be flexible.’
>
> - Zoe, 12-14 years old*
COMMUNICATING RESPECTFULLY
It’s common for separating or separated parents to have challenges
communicating, but for your child’s (and your own) wellbeing it’s important to
find positive ways to interact.
Children adjust and feel better when their parents are able to be respectful
towards, and about, one another.
It helps to remember that your former partner is your child’s mum or dad – so
they’re likely to feel upset or angry if you say things about their other parent
that are critical or unkind.
> ‘I think you’ve always got to bear in mind that your children love the other
> person even though you might not love them anymore, or you might feel really
> angry, bitter or resentful … because if you don’t understand that or take that
> into consideration, you can say some stuff that’s just not going to sit with
> them and you can really alienate yourself from your own children.’
>
> - John, dad of three
SOME TIPS FOR BEHAVING AND COMMUNICATING RESPECTFULLY
Stay focused on the type of person and parent you want to be
Go through the list of questions in the previous section if you haven’t already.
You might like to write down some reminders – like ‘I will stay calm’, or ‘What
does [your child’s name] need from me today?’ – and stick them on your bathroom
mirror so you see them each morning.
> ‘I think a lot in terms of what type of person I want to be. When a situation
> arises, that’s what I think about: “What’s important to me?” The type of
> mother I am, the type of daughter I am, the friend I am – that’s what’s
> important to me.’
>
> - Amanda, mum of two
Think about how your child might be affected by the way you and their other
parent behave or talk to or about one another. What might your child see, hear
or feel when you and their other parent are together, or talking on the phone?
Do you think about how you react or what you say about their other parent after
you’ve had an interaction with them?
Also remember that the way you talk to your child about their other parent, or
ask questions about them, can make them uncomfortable, confused or upset. Make
sure you’re not using your child as a messenger, making them feel pressured to
choose a side, or that they have to try to ‘fix’ the communication problems
between you and your ex-partner.
> ‘We have agreed to not talk poorly of the other with the kids. This can be
> really difficult, but it’s important for the kids to see us as the best
> parents we can be.’
>
> - Anonymous, mum of three
Remember that your child is a child
Don’t discuss ‘adult issues’, like financial arrangements or the details of
court proceedings, with your child or in front of your child. Use your own
support network when you need to express your frustration or anger, or need help
problem solving or brainstorming different options.
It is OK though to show your feelings, for example to cry in front of your
child. Seeing how you express and manage your emotions helps them to express
theirs too.
> ‘I was a “shower-crier” and noticed the negative impacts that hiding my
> emotions had on my daughter. Now I cry in front of my kids and let them know
> that Mum is sad at the moment, but she’ll be OK and here’s some things she’ll
> do to feel better.’
>
> - Anonymous, parent of two
When parents can cooperate and communicate effectively, it helps lessen the
impacts of separation and divorce and supports their child’s wellbeing.
It’s common for parents to feel like they can’t change their post-separation
parenting situation because of the other parent’s nature or behaviour. If you
feel like that, it can be helpful to think about what you can control, like how
you respond and behave. Focusing on these things helps you manage your emotions
and is better for your wellbeing, and your child’s.
While tension and disagreements are common at first, many separating and
separated parents have managed, over time, to develop respectful and positive
co-parenting relationships. Often parents say things got ‘better and better’ as
they worked out ways to put aside negative feelings and stay focused on what was
best for their child.
FURTHER RESOURCES
Check out the following resources for more information on supporting children
through a separation or divorce:
Looking after yourself during a separation or divorce Talking to your child
about separation and divorce
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REFERENCES
1. Dunk-West, P. (2018) Being child-centred: A guide for parents who are
separating or separated. Flinders University.
*Carson, R., Dunstan, E., Dunstan, J., & Roopani, D. (2018). Children and young
people in separated families: Family law system experiences and needs, p. 40.
Australian Institute of Family Studies.
DISCOVER MORE RESOURCES
* Fact sheet
LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF DURING A SEPARATION OR DIVORCE
Emerging Minds
Stress can make it difficult to manage your emotions and can impact on your
parenting and your relationship with your child. This is why it’s so
important to look after yourself during a separation or divorce. This fact
sheet offers tips from other parents on managing emotions, looking after your
health and looking to the future.
* Fact sheet
TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEPARATION AND DIVORCE
Emerging Minds
Telling your child that you and your partner are separating or getting a
divorce can be challenging – but it’s an important conversation to have. This
fact sheet offers tips for talking to your child about separation and divorce
– what to say, what not to say, why it's important to allow your child to
express their emotions, and how to keep communication open and ongoing.
* In focus
IN FOCUS: SUPPORTING YOUR CHILD’S WELLBEING DURING A SEPARATION OR DIVORCE
Emerging Minds
This resource is for parents who are currently navigating separation or have
separated or divorced. It offers information about children’s experiences and
reactions to parents’ separation and advice from other parents, health
professionals and research about ways parents can lessen the impacts of
separation on children.
* Video
HOW I GET THROUGH TOUGH TIMES
Emerging Minds
In this video, children talk about things in their life that help them, to
cope with challenges and feel positive feelings and express them through art.
* Video
WHAT IS CHILD MENTAL HEALTH?
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In this animation, Emm shares some key things every adult should know about
children’s mental health.
* In focus
SUPPORT NETWORKS: BUILDING SUPPORT NETWORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD
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Learn about the different types of support available for you and your
children, and get tips for building strong, reliable support networks.
* In focus
COMMUNICATION AND MEANING-MAKING: WHY GOOD COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO CHILDREN’S
MENTAL HEALTH
Emerging Minds
Talk openly with children to help them understand and make meaning of what's
happening in their world.
* In focus
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Emerging Minds
Create family routines to help children feel secure, reduce stress, and find
time for connection and fun.
* In focus
EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIOURS: UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS AND
RESPONSES
Emerging Minds
Tune into your child's feelings and be curious about what's behind their
behaviours, so you can help them understand and express all their emotions in
healthy ways.
* In focus
PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP: HOW POSITIVE CONNECTIONS SUPPORT CHILDREN’S
WELLBEING
Emerging Minds
Build a strong bond with your child by responding warmly and consistently to
their needs and making time to connect with them.
* In focus
IN FOCUS: UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S MENTAL HEALTH
Emerging Minds
This resource aims to help parents (and other adults who care for children)
with understanding children’s mental health – what it is, why it’s important
for children and what positive mental health looks like.
* In focus
IN FOCUS: WHAT SHAPES CHILDREN’S MENTAL HEALTH
Emerging Minds
Children’s mental health is shaped by various factors and life experiences
both positive and negative. This resource aims to help parents/carers
understand these factors, see their 'whole' child and learn what supports and
what gets in the way of their child's positive mental health.
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Emerging Minds recognises and pays respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait
Islander peoples, their ancestors and the Elders past, present and future from
the different First Nations across this country.
We acknowledge the importance of connection to Land, culture, spirituality,
ancestry, family and community for the wellbeing of all Aboriginal and Torres
Strait Islander children and their families.
Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples should be aware that this website
contains images or names of people who have passed away.
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