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BARRIE CRAMPTONS BLOG " LIFES HARD, AND THEN YOU DIE ! "

Barrie Crampton's Blog my life and times in the UK Motor Trade




DJI OSMO POCKET







SATURDAY 27 AUGUST 2016


THE PERFECT STORM







Things were going great and that’s always a bad sign for me. I am a big believer
that if things can go wrong they will, and if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t
have any. Sometimes it's so hard and painful to look back to where things went
wrong, but in my case, it went wrong when things couldn’t have been going any
better.

A few years before I had installed an interactive webcam on my lot, a guy who
was working in Dubaii had been feeling a little homesick, and had searched
Preston Webcams on the internet, he found mine which was just up the road from
where he lived and he looked at my stock, saw a car that would suit his Wife,
rang me from Dubai and paid for it over the phone.

His only condition was that I would deliver it to his house, not a problem as it
was just around the corner. When I drove the car round I discovered it was in
the same little Close as my Dream House it was a house I had wanted to buy when
it was first built, however at the time I couldn’t complete because I wasn’t
able to sell my House fast enough and another couple had beaten me, You snooze
you lose!
I mentioned this to my customer, and several weeks later I got a call out of the
blue from her. She told me that things weren’t so good with the people who had
bought the house that I had wanted, Hubby had been caught playing away, they
were splitting up and selling the house, would I be interested.

Business was great, I really wanted the house, I could get it at a knockdown
price as the present owners could avoid Estate agents fees too. I wanted it! I
had a great relationship with my Bank Manager and rang him to discuss a bridging
loan until I sold my old house, he suggested that I actually keep my old one and
rent that out, the rental income would easily cover my present mortgage and also
give me an extra income he was right it seemed to be a no brainer. I had an
overdraft secured against my old House, but he assured me that wouldn’t be a
problem, and if I needed I could increase my limit to cover the capital that I
was withdrawing.



I felt sorry for the Lady who was selling the house, she didn’t want to go, she
had a great taste in décor and the house was beautifully furnished, She needed
money to put down on a place that she had seen and she didn’t want to miss it,
so I agreed to pay her £2000 upfront in exchange for leaving a few items of
décor, sadly her Husband still had a key and he removed most of these items
before I moved in, argh well I wasn’t too bothered, I had got the house that I
had wanted.

As reconditioning costs were spiraling, cars were becoming harder and more
costly to fix, up until buying my new house my goal had been to reinvest the
money I was making in tools and equipment so that in time I would be able to
move to bigger premises, with my own fully equipped workshop which by then would
be fully kitted out.
I had bought a state of the Art Diagnostic Scanner and a fully automatic Air
Conditioning Machine.

I had a full set of Interior Trim and Upholstery Smart Seat And Plastics Repair
Equipment and had Imported the best set of Dent Tools that were available from
America. I was also busy taking every course that I could get on and learning
how to use them to their full potential, My plan was to become proficient and
self-sufficient In all the tasks that I was spending a small fortune on at the
moment, if I could cut my reconditioning costs, repair times and vehicle
preparation times my profits would grow, or as the saying goes look after the
pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.


Everything was going great, the only thing that was stopping me making more
money was space, my Portakabin was taking up valuable real estate I could get
another 3 cars on my pitch if I could get rid of it and then a chance
conversation with the person who owned the house adjacent to the garage, gave me
an idea, he told me that he was thinking of selling his house, my brain went
into action if I bought his house I could 86 my cabin, have an office in the
house, 3 more cars on the main pitch, 3 more up the drive of the house, and a
place to store Sold and in Preparation cars. 



As the Internet grew so did distance sales, with my Car Videos and Video Test
Drives I was attracting customers from a lot further afield and I knew I could
sell a lot more if I could overcome their objections to traveling. I had plans
to use the rest of the house as a guest house, the ideas came thick and fast,
give them a choice, get them tickets for a show at the Guild Hall, or I would
negotiate a deal with a local restaurant, I would make buying a car off me like
a weekend break.

if you don’t like my car what have you got to lose? The worse thing that could
happen is you get a night away with your loved one or your Wife, in Sunny
Preston, go and see a show, or have a nice bottle of wine and a meal for two in
a local restaurant compliments of BC Cars, next day you get to drive home in
your nice new car, or your old one as the case may be.

I rang my Bank Manager and pitched my idea to him, he liked it and readily
agreed to help me fund it, I couldn’t afford to take any more capital out of the
business to buy next door so the only alternative was to sell my rental
property. The extra cars that I could stock on the pitch and the projected
increase in business would more than offset any lost rental income so the next
day I put my old house on the market. 

My Bank Manager was brilliant, he had helped me get started in Business and he
had helped me grow, he absolutely couldn’t do enough to help, he assured me that
as soon as I sold the house he would seamlessly transfer the Banks security
charge to my New House.

There’s a saying in the Army that battle plans never survive contact with the
enemy, and I should have known that things were going far too well. It took me a
while to sell my house, I had signed the contract so there was no backing out of
the deal. However in the time it took me to sell it, my Bank Manager had been
promoted, he had introduced me to his replacement and apart from having a
handshake like he was passing you a wet fish he seemed ok.

I rang to tell him that the money from my house sale would be coming in to my
account, (it had to be done that way as they had a charge on it at the Land
Registry as security for my Overdraft the Solicitors had to send it to them). 



When it did I would be using some of it to pay a deposit on the House next door.
Instead of extending my overdraft, I would also leave some in the account so
that I could then buy more cars and fill the extra sales spaces that I would
create.

There was a silence at the end of the line, and then he said “I’m sorry I can't
do that” “Can't do what” I asked. Transfer the security to your new house, erm
why not your Predecessor said it would be no problem. Perhaps it wasn’t then but
it is now, first of all we would have to have your House valued, that would be
£1500, then we take 75% of the Valuation, Minus the amount of your Mortgage,
then whatever that leaves we can lend you a percentage of.

Being the reasonable type I told him what I thought.

Long story short, I had lost the rental Income of my 2nd house, and I had now
lost my overdraft too, My cash flow was decimated as although there was enough
to pay off my overdraft, I was now working without a safety net, and technically
I couldn’t afford the cars I already had, I had had a great quarter and would
soon have to pay a big VAT Bill, this would take another 2 cars off my pitch and
make it harder for me to earn enough money.

My old Boss used to say “Don’t talk to me about Banks, they lend you an Umbrella
when the suns shining, but when it rains they want it back”

My Bank took my Umbrella back during a prolonged heatwave, but I would soon be
engulfed in a Perfect Storm.



That was my first set back and although it wasn't a coup de grace it seemed at
the time it would have been kinder if it had been, over the next few months I
was hit with one blow after another. it was about that time that the recession
started to bite in Preston, and I was about to fall victim to one of my other
brilliant ideas too. 

Long before Finance figures became virtually standard on Car Dealers Websites
for which the rates, APR's and  Monthly Payment Figures are populated
automatically, I'd had the idea to add them to my site which I'd built myself.
In each description, I showed Finance payments for 24, 36 and 48 months, each
one of these had to be worked out individually and manually entered into the
Html coding on my website. 

It was a lot of extra hard and time-consuming work but Interest Rates were
pretty low and I found that I could save customers money on their monthly
payments from what they would be at any High Street Bank and still make good
commissions, whilst I have never been one to shoehorn someone into an "Payday
Loan Interest" agreement, I was fair and it was another welcome source of income
for me.



My terms and conditions with the finance company stated that if an agreement was
settled after at least a 3 month period had expired there would be no commission
debit backs. However, it also stated that if the customer went into arrears or
defaulted completely they would take it all back (pretty standard clause). I
went through a period when I was frightened to open my mail as it seemed like
every customer I had dealt with over the last 3 years was having financial
problems, and the Finance Company wanted their commissions back from me. It was
a tough time for me and I remember opening one letter which showed that I owed
them £2500 pounds in clawed back commissions. 


If you’re in the motor Trade and things aren’t exactly going your way, please
get in touch. I may not be able to help but I am a good listener.

There's nothing to be ashamed of as in my opinion "If you've never failed,
you've never tried anything new" 

My advice to others, when things do go wrong, sometimes you can’t see a way out,
it's not pleasant but “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

I may have that put on my headstone :-)

Barrie Crampton 



If you think you may need professional help, give Ben "The Automotive Industry
Charity" a call !







Posted by Barrie Crampton at 22:18 4 comments:
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SATURDAY 2 JANUARY 2016


SCIENTISTS OR SALESMEN, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?




I don’t much care for Scientists and I am of the opinion If you want a cure for
cancer, Aids, Ebola or Global Warming you should either make Scientists work on
Commission only basis, or even better just give the task to a Car Salesman!

I hear the academics amongst you shouting at your PC, “I’ve never heard such a
load of rubbish in all my life Baz” most Car Salesmen are thick and only do it
because they can't do anything else but bear with me and in due course I will
explain.
Scientists



If you give a bunch of Scientists a disease or an illness to cure, they have no
deadline to work to unless they are personally invested, with a friend, or
family member suffering. So they will fuck about at their leisure until they
accidentally stumble across a cure for something which is usually a completely
unrelated random issue that bears no relevance to the task that they were
assigned!

Can you imagine what would happen if you went to pick your new car up from a
garage and they said “I know you ordered a blue Mercedes E Class Automatic but
I’ve got you a Green C Class manual Instead”, or “I know you brought your car in
for us to repair the Oil Leak but we couldn't do it so we put new tyres on”, you
wouldn’t be happy, would you? But that’s what scientists do all the time.

Penicillin was only discovered because Alexander Fleming forgot to wash the pots
before he went on holiday.

and 

The fastest-selling drug of all time UK92480 the little blue pill more commonly
known as Viagra was accidentally discovered by a team of scientist whose primary
goal was to cure Angina. Yep! they were actually looking to eradicate a Heart
Problem, and they invented a Boner Pill by mistake.

If you’ll forgive the pun, I’m afraid there is no upside for the guys with
angina, as to add insult to injury anyone with a dodgy ticker is expressly
forbidden to take Viagra as one of the side effects is that it can cause a Heart
Attack. Even worse If they’re not trying to cure something they just do a study
on something else that in the scheme of things has no importance and nobody
gives a shit about.

that also reminds me of a joke to which the punchline  is

(Doctor Replying to Patient) "Report me for what?  All I said was that the
results of your check-ups show that you're suffering from hearing loss, and your
Wife has acute angina! "

However

Salesman (Me)

I am going to use me as an example, I have had very little schooling, I’ve been
in the Car Job all my life and I’m still single. Since I consider myself to be a
nice bloke I can only think that it’s because I have been very bad in a previous
life or there is a higher power setting me a series of challenges which I must
complete before I find a partner and settle down, nothing in my life ever goes
smoothly especially a first date, but unlike the Scientists, I refuse to be
beaten or settle for something else, and I never give up!  

I have 2 mottos which I truly believe


“Life’s hard and then you die”

And

“Women, you can’t live with them,”  (That’s all I’ve got so far)

here are just a couple of tribulations that would defeat a Scientist but I have
had to overcome in pursuit of whatever my destiny holds in store.

I had driven home at warp speed, got showered, changed into my best clothes,
applied a liberal amount of aftershave and was now heading the 18 miles back to
Preston to pick up a girl for our first date. I was driving my Vauxhall Cavalier
Demonstrator and had just gotten to the traffic lights at Freckleton when I
heard a Pop in the engine bay and the car ground to a halt. It was pissing down
and never thinking when I set off that I may need an Oilskin or Overalls for my
date, I had just come out in a shirt and pants, I hadn’t even got a Jacket with
me. The only thing I had in the car was a plastic seat cover which I placed over
my head and got out to examine the engine and try to repair it.


Vauxhall Cavaliers had several inherent faults, the kind which now would cause
an uproar in the press and on the internet but then in those days, we weren’t a
country of compensation seeking whinger’s and the Car Industry just fixed them
asap.  When I lifted the bonnet I could see the problem was immediately
apparent, it wasn’t one I had come across before and at the time I didn’t know
what had caused it or how it would occur. The car's distributor cap had exploded
into about 100 pieces.

The exact cause came to light over the next few months as we were called out to
more cars that had suffered the same fault and had broken down, it transpired
that on some cars petrol fumes from the engine were leaking back up the vacuum
advance and retard pipe, they would build up inside the distributor until they
were ignited by a spark from the points and blow the dizzy cap to smithereens. 

I had assumed that the only explanation for my distributor cap exploding was a
Thunderbolt had been sent from the heavens to cock me up and I was swearing and
cursing my luck. Most people would have called the AA or a Garage or just left
the car and got a Taxi home, but I was going on a date nothing and nobody was
going to stop me. I have never stood anyone up in my life, sure due to
circumstances beyond my control I’ve been late lots of times but never stood
them up.

I wasn’t too far from an Esso Petrol Station, I knew they had a workshop and
were bound to have a Distributer Cap in stock but despite my best efforts I
failed to convey the importance of my date to the young lad who was behind the
counter, it seemed that his mission in life was to switch  petrol pumps on, take
as long as possible to do it while people clicked angrily at the nozzles,
apparently selling parts and helping people wasn’t his job.

I weighed up my rapidly diminishing options Plan B was to pinch a distributor
cap off a car from Georges Garage and leave him an IOU, but he was on the main
road  and was just across from the Police Station, the way my luck was going I’d
end up in a cell until George turned up to say that he knew me and I wasn’t a
Thief but I was an idiot.

Plan A Was to put my Motor knowledge and my Motor Skills to good use, I had
always been great at Jigsaw puzzles and making Airfix models. I had been
equidistant between the Petrol Station and the local Spar when I broke down and
although the Spar wouldn’t stock motor spares I thought that if I could buy a
torch and a tube of superglue I would be on my way in no time at all,

As I Stood in front of a bemused cashier with a seat cover over my head already
drenched and looking like a drowned rat, I discovered that the people of
Freckleton must eat a lot of carrots and never break anything as they had
neither item in the store. Like a Roll CalI I reeled off several brand names of
other glues which would also do the job but would take longer to cure thereby
delaying my date even further, Araldite? No, Evo Stick? No, Airfix? No, Unibond
No, ok I said perhaps we could save a little time here, what Glues do you have?
it was my turn to say “No” to the Pritt Stick Non-Sticky, Sticky Stuff, and the
Solvite Wallpaper Paste. 

I desperately scoured the shelves for Items that I could use then went to the
checkout to pay for my New Pink (only colour they had) Pakamac Raincoat, a
Packet of Plasticine, a roll of Sellotape, and a Jumbo Pack of assorted Elastic
Bands then I returned to my car.

The only light I had to work by would be the headlights and I knew that I
wouldn’t have long before they would drain the battery, even if my repair worked
there was a possibility that there wouldn’t be enough power left to engage the
starter motor and turn the engine over until it fired.


I selected the flamethrower setting on my Ronson Varatronic quartz piezoelectric
gas lighter, making a mental note to remember to turn it down again before I lit
my next John Player Special King Size and napalmed my fringe and eyebrows. I
clicked the switch then wrapped Sellotape around it to hold it in place so the
flame wouldn’t extinguish, stuck the lighter to the floor, using a piece of
Plasticine, then I set about arranging  the exploded distributor cap fragments
into size and some semblance of order.

It wasn’t long before the gas in my lighter had run out, but I had managed to
make a framework with the bigger pieces, wrapping elastic bands round in all
directions to hold them together. I turned the headlights on and furiously
started to put the smaller bits in place, the elastic band construction worked
better than superglue as it gave a certain amount of flexibility allowing me to
maneuver and squeeze the more intricate pieces into place, as I completed a
section I would form the plasticine around the outside to encase it so it
wouldn’t collapse.

I carefully fastened the Frankenstein of Distributer caps back into place,
rushed to the driver’s seat and turned the ignition key. Unbelievably the engine
burst into life, it was misfiring like a bitch but undeterred I set off on my
date.

God 0 Barrie 1

I like to think that I learn from all situations and from that day to this I
never leave the house without a torch in my pocket, a waterproof jacket and jump
pack in the boot of my car and even though I haven’t had a cigarette for about
30 years I always carry a full lighter in my pocket.



I was out with my mate one night, and we were just forcing our way through the
packed lounge, making our way towards the bar, it was the place where the
“In-Crowd” went, it was a Beautiful Summers night, the Pub was packed to the
Gunnels, everyone in there was sweltering hot, and we were all too shallow and
stupid to find somewhere that had air conditioning. I could feel sweat beading
on my forehead, I stuck my bottom lip out and exhaled sharply directing a
cooling breeze up my own face, I probably looked like a retard (ok more of a
retard than usual), Just as I’d done it I noticed a girl who had earlier in the
week been to see a used car that was for sale at the garage where I worked, as I
squeezed past her. I smiled and made an off the cuff remark, I was being ironic
when I said “Warm Enough?”

After my subtle icebreaker, we got talking and arranged to go out on a double
date with my best mate and hers. The date didn’t go as smoothly as I had
planned, mainly because as we were just about to set off to pick them up we
realised that neither of us had paid any attention to where they lived. As we
tried our best to remember the directions, all my mate could recall was number 6
and that the road was named after a tree or a leaf, my contribution to the
puzzle was that she drove a Mini Metro’ it was the kind of nonspecific
information that a Fortune Teller would give you, knowing that you could make it
relate to just about anything you wanted to. However when I valued her car as a
part exchange I had checked the service history and I could remember the name of
the garage that had stamped the service book, this at least was a definite.

Hopefully, she had her car serviced near her home or else this was going to be a
very long night, unperturbed and never beaten we started at the garage and drove
round in ever-increasing left turn circles looking for a road named after a tree
or a leaf, with a No 6 house that had a Mini Metro parked up.

As luck would have it she lived in Leyland about 2 miles from the British
Leyland Factory, and the biggest British Leyland Car Dealer in the UK, everyone
who lived there either worked for or knew someone at BL who could get 30%
Discount off any British Leyland Car, you have no idea how many fucking people
had a Mini Metro up their drive and how many roads in Leyland-ii-Ville are named
after trees

We were an hour and a half late arriving at her house it WAS number 6, in a road
named after a tree, there was a Metro up the drive, but we knew this was the
right house as the front curtains kept twitching and had 2 fuming girls taking
it in turns to stare out of the front window.

Long story short on this occasion I wish I had been of the Scientist Mentality
and settled for a night out with my mate instead. As far as chat up lines go I
went back to my old faithful  “So, do you like Chinese” “Warm Enough” was
retired as it caused way too much trouble that particular night and for several
months afterwards !

       If you have seen the “Laminated List” Episode of Friends you will know
where I am going with this story. Things weren’t good at home, I was living with
a girl who was driving me mad and I was looking to bail out, unfortunately, it
was my house.

I was out with my mates, we’d all had a couple of beers and I was lamenting my
tales of woe to them when I noticed a very beautiful young lady smiling in my
direction from across the room, not believing my luck I casually checked over my
shoulder just to make sure she was smiling at me and not some guy behind me,
when I looked back she was already heading in my direction. She stopped right in
front of me, in the centre of our gathering and said “Barrie, you don’t remember
me do you” A bit lost for words I said, “I couldn’t possibly know you, as there
is no way I would forget someone as good looking as you are” to which all my
mates responded with a groan, and one pretended to stick his fingers down his
throat and be sick.

I’m A##### ‘s little Sister, I had a big crush on you when you were going out
with her, she said, this had gotten all my Mates full attention, so quick mental
calculation, approximately 10 years ago she'd have been about 12 when I last
dated her Sister, she’d now be the same age as I was then. I grabbed her arm and
shepherded her to a quiet corner, where she proceeded to ask me out on a date.

When I went back to my Mates I relayed the story, they were all like guys are
when they’re drunk, one unhelpfully pointed out that it was usually my
Girlfriends who were mental and not their Sisters, he added “it must run in
their family”. The mood of our Boys Night out had changed and again collectively
and as one they all turned and looked at her like a clan of meerkat’s then
looked back at me and said “Baz you've got to!”

However, another Mate who at that moment in time decided to represent the
Department of the F###### obvious put a damper on the nights events by chiming
up and saying “ Your Girlfriends not going to like it if you do!”.

There was a deadly silence for a few minutes until one of them said, I’ve got a
plan, everybody groaned again, he usually had the same train of thought as
Edmund Blackadders manservant Baldrick, and his plans were about as successful “
I was clutching at straws though so reluctantly I said “Go on then let’s hear
it” and this was it.

“We could pretend you’ve signed for a local football team” ---- WHAT! How the
F### is that going to help?” but then the plan gained momentum and the rest of
my mates joined in the alcohol-fuelled subterfuge “Yeah that’s it, you could say
you had to train a few nights a week, and have an away fixture every fortnight
so you could stay out, She’ll never suspect a thing!”

The spokesman for the department of the obvious spoke again “What if your
girlfriend wants to watch a match?” this negged everybody out until we were
refueled with another round of Boddingtons Bitter

An emergency plan was quickly formulated we would need another 21 guys on
standby to make up the 2 opposing teams, a couple of sponsored kits, the Keys to
Preston North Ends stadium, and a representative crowd who could turn out at a
moment’s notice, all this was dismissed as a minor setback that could easily be
surmounted

One of the guys was friends with the Sports reporter who worked on the Evening
paper, and said he could get him to write a fictitious match report and some
flattering headlines to add substance to my cover story

As the Beer flowed so did the suggested headlines there was a reference made to
the move I often used when we were playing 5 aside to get around a defender, it
was a kind of mixture between blind optimism, a nutmeg, a Johan Cruyff Turn, a
Ronaldo Step Over and a Blatant Foul, after I did it in a match, my best mate
had sarcastically christened it the “Cramptona Twizzle” he told the story adding
that I was born with it, and it was too dangerous to teach to others as if it
was done wrong your legs rubbed together so fast that the friction could set
your shorts on fire! then he crossed his eyes and held his pint up to his ear
and pretended to drink it.

The headlines evolved, to cover the rest of my upcoming Imaginary Season.

Crampton scores Hat Trick on Debut

Crampton voted Man of the Match

Crampton made Captain

Crampton scores in dying seconds to earn replay

Crampton Strike secures place in Semi-Final

Crampton’s side lift Trophy!



City move to sign Crampton for record fee!



If I’m honest by now I’d got swept along with the story and I had forgotten that
the whole thing was invented so that I Could go out on a date and I said,
“Make that United, I wouldn’t be seen dead playing for City.”

Only to be slapped down by the Department of the Obvious Spokesman, “Don’t be
stupid no one in their right mind would believe United wanted to sign you!”
after 5 Pints of Boddingtons that was his line in the sand!

I must admit that the next morning the plan didn’t seem quite as foolproof, but
I did learn 2 valuable lessons that I can now pass on to my readers.

 1. “A pissed off Woman does better detective work than the FBI”
 2. “you only regret the things you don't do!”
    
    Here is my closing argument
    Salesmen have one goal, they are conditioned to work to targets, and
    deadlines, but as soon as they reach a target, they don’t get a Nobel Peace
    Prize or a write up in some Medical Journal and live of their 1 win for the
    rest of their lives, come month-end the slates wiped clean, or the targets
    increased if you’ve hit it, and the clock starts ticking all over again.
    If they don’t reach their target then it’s a black mark against them or
    another nail in their current job coffin, usually Sales Targets are
    unrealistic and you’re living on your nerves trying to eek a deal out of
    nothing.
    A Horny Guy has a single focus, and like a Cruise Missile he will not
    deviate from his intended target, till he reaches it or gets blown out of
    the sky
    Tipsy Guys, can by discourse solve any problem and surmount any obstacle in
    the World before closing time.
    So if you want something doing as fast as humanly possible and against all
    odds, give the task to a Horny Salesman with a group of drunken mates!     
 3. You're Welcome!






Posted by Barrie Crampton at 18:37 No comments:
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Review, Motor Trade Blog, Motor Trade Experiences, My Life In The Motor Trade,
New Car Sales, Sales Training Techniques, Used Car Sales



SUNDAY 24 AUGUST 2014


PLANES, BOATS, AUTOMOBILES, A LION FISH AND THE MALDIVES




Things always go mad in the Motor Trade when you’re due to go on holiday, I had
sold more cars than usual, the phone was ringing constantly and I needed to
leave for the airport in the next 30 minutes or we would miss our flight to the
Maldives. I had a car going out, and the bonnet cable had snapped. Rover in
their wisdom had routed the bonnet release cable underneath the bonnet and out
of reach, so when it snapped, it was impossible to get at. I had tried from
underneath the engine bay to get to the broken cable, but my arms were scratched
and burned off the hot engine. In temper and frustration and as a last resort I
punched through the grille and forced the bonnet up, now my knuckles were a mess
too, my day couldn’t get any worse or so I thought.

I still had things I needed to do, so I checked the airport web site, just my
luck for the first time ever when I was going on holiday the plane was on time.
The journey to the airport was pretty uncomfortable, we had booked a return trip
with the local taxi firm, and I wasn’t sure the car they had sent should have
even been on the road, I was convinced that there was no oil in the shock
absorbers, and I wasn’t convinced that there was any in the engine. I was
contemplating asking him to turn back as I didn’t think we were going to make it
all the way. They should have been paying me to travel in the Taxi, not the
other way around. I should have learned my lesson not to book them as the same
firm had once picked me and my mate up in a Transit Van, with 2 park benches in
the back, what made it worse was the benches weren’t even screwed down so we
were sliding around in the back whenever he turned a corner, then there was the
time when the car caught fire and I had to walk the rest of the way to the pub
with my shoes smoldering after stamping the dashboard out.

Our holiday was an absolute bargain, and I was beginning to realise why when we
got to the checkout we were told that the start of our holiday would be delayed
by 24 hours as there was a problem with the plane. Apparently, there was a crack
in the Planes windscreen and the regulations for planes are a little bit
stricter than for cars, they couldn’t ring the local windscreen firm and have a
new one fitted on the runway, so they were going to put us up in a local hotel
for the night.

I had too much work to do back at the garage, so I rang the taxi firm who
dropped us off to try and get the driver to turn back and collect us. They said
they couldn’t contact him and would have to send another car for us, but as this
wasn't a pre-booked trip it wouldn't qualify as an “Airport Special” or even as
our return which we had already paid for so they would “have” to charge us the
full price. I knew I was being conned but I was desperate to get back so I paid,
needless to say, that I have never used that Taxi firm again, a lot of firms
(especially Car Sales) try to benefit from short-sighted short term gain, I
didn’t mind them using shit cars, but I object to being ripped off and they lost
my business forever.

The next day when we returned to the Airport, we were greeted with even more bad
news. Our plane was being diverted to Gatwick to pick up more passengers. I
started to doubt the cracked windscreen excuse when I realised that they had
actually filled the plane with passengers and saved themselves all the fuel for
a return trip to the Maldives by delaying us for 24 hours. I needed the beach
and I wasn’t best pleased, another passenger was even more displeased, she
hadn’t been told that we were diverting to Gatwick and she was furious as she
had driven from London to Manchester that morning and considered it to be a
waste of time and money. She was demanding that she and her 4 kids be upgraded
to first class for the inconvenience. It wasn’t the Stewardesses fault, and I’m
sure that if it had just been her, they would have done it, but her 4 kids had
been running riot and she was paying no attention to them. One had been eating a
bag of Maltesers and was covered in chocolate, so was the seat the little brat
had been sitting in, and also the armrests all up the aisle where he’d been
running out of control. The chocolate-covered kid had nearly fallen on me but I
had managed to catch it by its hair and stop my linen pants being ruined, anyway
at least it had chosen to go back to its own seat to blubber, rub its head and
stare at me, that kid wasn’t going to come anywhere near me anytime soon.

Clearly, the woman hadn’t thought things through as her car was in Manchester,
and we were now 200 miles away in London, she issued an ultimatum to the
Stewardess that unless they upgraded her she wanted to get off the plane. The
Cabin Crew stopped short of deploying the safety chute and throwing her down it,
but she was out of the door before she had chance to change her mind, they had
already had enough of her whining and her unruly kids on the 35-minute flight to
London and they realised that we had another 13 hours ahead of us to the
Maldives, the Women, her kids, and her luggage were promptly kicked off the
plane. All the passengers clapped when the nasty bitch finally went through the
door and we could get on our way, how she was going to get her car back from
Manchester I don’t know, and I didn’t care, but somehow I knew it would be her
Husband who would cop for it when she got home.

The rest of the flight was great, and the transfer “speed boat” was waiting for
us just a short distance away from Airport Arrivals. I was a little disappointed
to be traveling by speed boat, not just because I had expected it to be like
Sonny Crockett’s 42-foot Wellcraft Scarab, but because I had tried to book the
Sea Plane and had been told by the Travel Rep of the firm we booked the holiday
through that it didn’t go to the Island that we were staying on (roughly
translated, she couldn’t be bothered to check, or make the arrangements for us).

The Island was Paradise and it was an All-Inclusive resort, we were given free
drinks on arrival and we sauntered down to the beach just in time to see the Sea
Plane arriving with some of the other guests onboard. I took a photograph and
started to compose an email to the Travel Rep “Dear Travel Rep, You know the Sea
Plane that you said didn’t go to the Island that we are staying at, Well guess
what? “


The scenery was fantastic, there were shoals of beautifully coloured fish, Black
Tipped Sharks and Stingrays swimming just yards from the shore. The food was
great, the staff was so nice. I asked our dedicated waiter Labib if he knew the
score at the Man United game as I had missed it while traveling and from then on
he used to come to our table every morning and tell me all the sports results
that he had specifically memorised to report to me, the staff asked me if I
would like to play football with them, and as there were no TVs in the rooms
they also invited me to watch Manchester United play on the TV in their staff
quarters.

I was admiring the magnificent display of food available and I happened to
mention to my Girlfriend that the soup looked good, the guy that dished it out
and also made it overheard me and you could see his chest swell with pride in
his work, he was overjoyed as he ladled out an extra big helping for me, which
technically I hadn’t actually asked for, but hadn’t got the heart to refuse.
From then on he waited for me every night and as soon as I walked in, he came
over to tell us what soup of the day it was, so for two weeks I had soup every
night, it was 40 degrees outside, and I was eating red hot soup, that’ll teach
me not to compliment people, after 2 weeks I was sick of the sight of soup!

Usually, I can’t relax on holiday, I was forever on the phone underwriting
vehicles for the trade, answering emails or checking my works webcam to see if
there are any customers on my pitch. With no 3 G signal I couldn’t do this and
was forced to enjoy the beauty and tranquillity of Maldives, and pretty soon I
forgot about work altogether. This was the life, I started to question the
sanity of Tom Hanks and the film Castaway, if I was marooned on a desert island
and I saw a ship going past, I would hide in the deepest undergrowth I could
find, why on Earth would you want to be rescued, was at the time beyond me, the
Universe works in mysterious ways and the answer was soon forthcoming.


We had been there for a few days when my girlfriend at the time was bitten or
stung on the foot, her ankle and foot were swollen and looked incredibly
painful. Again the bar staff  took it in turns to relay a supply of ice cubes
and towels to us, and making them into a cold compress to relieve the pain and
swelling, but it was getting worse for her. There were medical facilities at the
resort but only to dispense aspirin and plasters, I was afraid that we were
getting beyond that as I could see she was in tremendous pain. I kept asking if
she was alright, and she assured me she was. Now when I am feeling under the
weather I make sure that everybody knows and suffers with me, but she was
different, as long as I had known her she had never had a day off work, or
moaned about having a cold or anything, she used to say Children get colds, Men
get Flue and Women get on with it, to be fair she did..

Again my “Hope for the best, plan for the worst” instincts had taken over. I had
seen a


Pterois (Lion Fish) in the sea not far from where we had been walking through
the surf. I knew they were extremely poisonous, the bite/sting was on my
Girlfriend foot and she had developed several of the symptoms that were
associated with their stings which could cause paralysis and also prove fatal
 (I’d Googled Lion Fish on the Computer in Reception). I had enquired and
pre-warned the staff at reception to be on stand by in case if she did need
urgent medical attention. I was told that there was a possibility of getting the
Air Taxi, but after 6.00 pm it went dark (Pitch Black) and our only option would
be to sail to the Prison Island. This sounded like it would make an ideal plot
for the next Die Hard film so I thought I would call the “Prison Island”
excursion Plan B.  I also thought it best to keep my Lion Fish theory to myself
as I didn’t want to panic her and make the situation worse than it was already.


The crew on High Alert 

We were rapidly burning daylight and she looked like she was getting worse, I
kept asking her if she was sure that she was ok, but it was about 10.00 pm that
night I knew she wasn’t, I heard the first sniff.  She’d had all day, but she
chose that time at night to succumb to the pain, she could no longer walk, or
put any weight on her leg. But it was too late now to get a ride in the Air
Taxi!

I carried her to reception and Plan B was put into action, the boat was ready
with her 3 man crew and we set sail through the Inky blackness towards the
flickering light of the Prison Island. One of the crew was standing at the bow
holding a lantern with a candle in it, it was as dim as a usherettes torch and
we couldn’t see anything in the distance. I'm like a shit magnet, and things
happen to me that wouldn’t happen to normal everyday people, so when I go on
Holiday, I go equipped, up until the travel laws changed I always carried my own
medikit complete with syringes, Intravenous Catheters and Field Dressings. I had
still managed to take a few of my essentials with me, I whipped my trusty mag
light out and pushed the candle equipped pointman out of the way, he didn’t want
to relinquish his position so he pushed me back. I shone my torch in his face,
this ensured he wouldn’t be able to see anything for a while so he went and sat
down till his night vision recovered leaving me in charge which is where I like
to be. I pointed my Mag-Lite forward and lit up the sea between us and the
prison Island, no one would get in our way.

It took us well over an hour to sail to the Island and when we docked there was
a member of


the prison hospital staff waiting to meet us, the hospital was quite a distance
away and he offered to get us transport, but when he came back he was driving a
1 seater tipper truck, good luck getting her to sit in the bucket I thought, I
couldn’t get her to travel in anything less than the passenger seat of my
Porsche.

Long story short I carried her to the hospital, and then I had to go to the
other side of the Island to pick up the syringes and antibiotics that the Doctor
needed to treat her. My journey was like something off a horror film, and I
clasped my trusty Maglite all the way there and back, I made a mental note not
to shine it into the shadows anymore as all the eyes staring back at me was
starting to freak me out.

A few injections later, and another trip through the unbelievable nonlight
polluted blackness that is night in the Maldives, and my girlfriend was already
showing signs of improvement. The cost of her treatment on the Island was the
Maldivian equivalent of £3.00 I tried my best to give the Doctor a tip but he
refused, in the end, he agreed to take a small donation to the clinic he ran in
his spare time. I wasn’t looking forward to getting the bill from the Hotel for
3 crew, their time, a boat and fuel. If they had the same ethics as the Preston
Taxi Firm that we had used, the cost would probably Bankrupt me, thank goodness
for Holiday Insurance.

Until I could claim the money back from the insurance company I would have to
settle the bill, I could hardly bring myself to open it. I was expecting it to
be in the hundreds and I laughed out loud when I saw the Total was a mere
£29.00,  obviously, the Maldivians are committed to making sure their patrons
thoroughly enjoy their holidays (actually it’s not a Holiday it’s a
Life-Changing Experience!) , repeat business is more important to them than
short term gain, and they cannot bring themselves to profit from someone else’s
misfortune, there is a lot to be said for that.

The rest of the Holiday was fantastic and went far too fast, I was very sad when
our last day arrived and I could have quite happily stayed there for the rest of
my life. My Girlfriend and I went back to our room after breakfast to see that
our Bed had been decorated with petals, the message said “Good Luck” I think the
message was aimed more at my Girlfriend than me but we really felt like the
staff meant it.

Our Maldivian adventure was almost over, or so I thought when we boarded the
“Speed


Leatherman Multi Purpose Tool

Boat” for our homeward bound journey to Male Airport. The Island was a spot in
the distance and we had just about got to the point of no return when I thought
I heard the engine miss a beat, then I heard it again, and again, a cloud of
black smoke came out of the back of the boat and we ground to a halt. I wasn’t
too worried and just thanked my lucky stars that it was the engine of the boat
that had cut out and we weren’t making a Mayday call from the Air Taxi.


Swiss Army Knife

There was no anchor on the boat and we had no drive so we were at the mercy of
the tide, we started to drift in the current as the boat bobbed up and down on
the swell. The crew broke out the 3 tools they had on board which looked like
they had gotten from a Christmas Cracker. They lifted the hatches up and started
to dismantle the engine, that’s when one of the female passengers who was sat
next to them, almost whispered in disbelief “There’s water coming in!” she was
right it was coming in, and it was pouring in too, our Adventure wasn’t quite
over, I put my camera down, and searched in my rucksack for the 2 pieces of
equipment that I never leave home without, my “Leatherman” and my "Swiss Army
Knife" I can repair anything with these, and I was ready in case the crew needed
assistance.





It struck me that I should really be a Castaway, I don’t like people,  I was
rapidly running out of Women who were prepared to take the risk of going on
Holiday with me and succumbing to “The Curse Of The Cramptons”


What a fantastic Holiday, I need to go back, SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!  And if you
haven’t been, You need to go too!







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SUNDAY 17 AUGUST 2014


WHAT’S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A HIGH PRESSURE SALESMAN? – IT’S ME!




The best way to sell something is to create a need or demand for it

Borrowed from the Film  “The Wolf of Wall Street” :-

Wolf  “Sell me that pen”

Salesman  “Do me a favour write your name down on that napkin for me”

Wolf  “I don’t have a pen”

Salesman  “Exactly! Supply and demand.”

Over the years I have heard of plenty of Dodgy Sales techniques, one such firm
who was well known for them were the people who sold a certain type of Vacuum
cleaners. The Salesman would do a visit to the customer’s home and carry out a
demonstration. Apparently, the cleaners really were very good. The customer
readily agreed to the demonstration thinking that they would get their carpet
cleaned for free, and then they could just tell the salesman that they were
going to “Think about It”

The Salesforce, however, had been taught a trick to stack the odds in their
favour, they would start off by cleaning the customer's settee, or carpet but
they wouldn’t finish the job, they would clean a piece of the carpet in a
noticeable area of the room, or half the settee, then pack up their equipment.
The customer then was left with no choice but to buy the cleaner and finish
doing the job themselves.

Back in the Eighties, there was a local Double Glazing Firm who employed a
SalesForce and trained them in very High Pressure Techniques to Force a customer
to buy their product. One such I heard of was when after the Salesman had
finished his presentation, the customer said that he was going to sleep on it,
un-phased the Salesman said, “No problem, do you have a spare bed, or should I
stay here on the couch till you’ve made your mind up?”

Once the Double Glazing Salesmen had passed their probationary period they were
given an amount of money to buy themselves a car. As he had to sign the cheques,
It had come to the attention of the Owner that I had been selling his best
Salesman a lot of cars, so unbeknown to me the Owner, and one of their trainers
came to our garage to mystery shop me, see how I did it and also offer me a job.

They pretended to look at a car and ask for a part exchange price, I knew that
there was something not right about them, but I persevered until the guy who
turned out to be the trainer suddenly blurted out “I’ve got it, he uses the
couldn’t care less technique!” The Owner of the double glazing business then
came clean and told me why they were there.

I politely refused their offer and said “I will let you into a little secret,
It’s not a technique” and it wasn’t, I knew if they didn’t buy the car, someone
else would. At that time we just couldn’t get enough cars, and If I am honest it
had made me slightly blaze, and unbelievably arrogant, it also made me think
that I was a whole lot better Salesman than I actually was.  

How I long for a return to “The Good Old Days”

Posted by Barrie Crampton at 19:04 No comments:
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SUNDAY 20 APRIL 2014


JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE!




At lunchtime when the sun had gotten too hot, my girlfriend and I had decided to
walk up the beach and explore, but first, we called at the Beach Bar to
rehydrate, while she was finishing her drink, I went onto the sand and was
heading towards the surf. Out of nowhere a guy appeared and grabbed my arm “Do
you like Black Girls” he said, fearing that this was some sort of Racist
questionnaire that you had to pass before they allowed you onto the beach, I
said of course I do, why doesn’t everyone? Good he said, I’ve got just the girl
for you, she’s in the bushes, then he started dragging me towards them.

The cavalry arrived in the shape of my alabaster skinned and fast approaching
English Rose girlfriend. He loosened his grip on me as he was temporarily
blinded by the glare coming off her, I was OK as I had my polarized Wayfarers
on, but he had to shield his eyes. I yanked my arm free and said “as tempting as
that sounds, she wouldn’t be too happy” He squinted at her in the distance, then
asked if I wanted to buy some Ganja instead? No, I don’t, I am very happy with
her and I don’t need drugs thank you very much. I could tell he thought I was
making a mistake and clearly not put off he waved something in my face,
presumably for me to sniff, and said, Aloe Vera ! He was using the Barbadian
version of the Pendle system, he didn’t want to let me get away without making a
sale, and he wouldn’t take No for an answer. Starting to lose my patience, I
snapped back “What? ” he repeated “Aloe Vera, Aloe Vera Leaf, good for sunburn,
good for hair shampoo”, and then he made a gesture with his hands that suggested
if you ate it, it had the same properties as Viagra, I thought if that was
true, how come the shampoo didn't make your hair stand on end.

My Girlfriend was nearly in earshot now, keen to end the conversation before she
got the wrong end of the stick, and I got the blame for accosting a local to
find out if there was a brothel on the beach. I turned to him and said look
clear off, I don’t want a Woman, I don’t want Ganja and I don’t want any of your
Fucking Aloe Vera either. Finally admitting defeat he wandered off in the
direction of the bushes cursing and probably thinking to himself the same as I
do when a customer tells me That "they're just looking", I’m only doing my job,
there’s no pleasing some folk! however I also think hold on a minute, this is a
business and I didn't drag you onto the forecourt!


In case you were wondering, I didn't take these photos of Ulrika

Further up the beach, we came to the point where the stretch of beach was owned
by the exclusive and unbelievable expensive SandyLane Resort. I got an uneasy
feeling. I had heard movement, I was expecting to be accosted by another, Aloe
Vera wielding, Ganja selling Pimp, but I caught sight of a group of guys hiding
in the bushes, and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw they were all holding
cameras with lenses the size of Jodrell Bank. It was the Paparazzi, we found out
later that Ulrika Johnson was staying at the Sandy Lane hotel and they were
waiting patiently to get a shot of her cellulite or a Kodak Moment bikini
malfunction that they could sell to the tabloids and make a fortune.

On our Arrival at the Hotel the Kuoni Holiday Representative had warned all the
new guests, paying special attention and repeating herself to the Honeymooners
that no matter how overcome with lust, or how good an idea it seems at the time,
do NOT under any circumstances seek out a secluded section of a beach’ or be the
last people to leave. She obviously didn’t want to scare the shit out of us so
stopped short of telling us exactly what to expect if we did, SHE SHOULD HAVE
DONE! Some people are too stupid to live!  We've all seen the hideous warnings
on cigarette packets, yet there are still people who smoke. Her message came
across as some Barbadians weren’t quite as nice as the ones who were refilling
our glasses of ice-cold Rum Punch at the Tropical Escape Welcome Reception.



The first day we stayed close to the Hotel, just venturing across the road to
watch the sunset


from the Beach Bar. I am not a good enough writer and don’t have the vocabulary
to describe what an amazing sight the sunset is. I can tell you that it was an
experience that I will never forget, even the locals who have seen it thousands
of times before stop what they’re doing to watch every night. It brought a gasp
from the other patrons in the bar who were witnessing it for the first time, and
it reduced my girlfriend to tears as the last bit of the sun dipped below the
horizon at 6.00 pm on the dot, and the sky turned jet black.

Normally I heed warnings, I’m not an “it will never happen to me” type of guy,
and as you can see if you read the rest of my blogs, if it can happen to me, it
will. I can only think that on our second day of the beautiful Barbados
sunshine, consuming numerous banana daiquiris mixed to perfection by Edwin Star
Boy the bartender at our all-inclusive hotel during the day, and the bottle of
Champagne we drunk at the Bombas Beach Bar (now The Blue Monkey Bar) while
sheltering from the intense heat, had affected my judgment


We had decided that we had plenty of time to go for a stroll along the beach,
before returning to the bar to watch another compulsory sunset. I had turned
left and gone for a run up the beach in the morning and discovered the monument
to the 78 people who died on Cubana de Aviacon Flight 455 which had taken off
from Grantley Adams Airport and had crashed into the Caribbean Sea just off the
beach when 2 bombs exploded and blew it out of the sky. As we were planning a
helicopter ride around the island the next day,  I didn’t want to make the
mistake of negging my girlfriend out so I steered her in the opposite direction,
that turned out to be a bigger mistake

Barbados was paradise, we had adjusted to the climate and it was like starring
in our very own Bounty advert. The relaxed atmosphere and the white sandy
beaches were so far removed from Preston and the hustle and bustle we had to
endure in our daily work lives. We had both desperately needed a break and
decided on a whim to take a romantic holiday together. The setting was idyllic
we were chilled out and engrossed in each other’s company we were laughing and
talking, as we sauntered aimlessly along the beach. The Sun was now very low in
the sky, I had lost track of time, the distance we had walked and where we were.



Again I got an uneasy feeling and I caught sight of a slight movement in my
peripheral vision, there were 2 guys hiding in the bushes, and by the look of
them, it wasn’t my picture that they were after. It was too late to backtrack. I
didn’t let on that I had seen them, I could tell they had been lying in wait,
and were up to no good. I couldn’t hear their footsteps on the sand, but I knew
they had come out of the bushes and were following behind us. I wasn’t ready to
confront them yet.


To say that I was scared was an understatement, my heart was racing, I scanned
the beach but there was no one in sight, there was nowhere to run and nowhere to
hide, I wasn’t so much scared for me but I had endangered my girlfriend and put
her in harm’s way, tipsy or not, I should have known better. We were both
wearing swimming costumes, we had no money or jewelry, and I certainly had
nothing hidden in my Speedos that these guys would be interested in, the
situation I had walked into was too horrendous to contemplate.

I saw what I needed, bent down quickly picked it up, and turned round to face my
girlfriend I showed her the rock. She was bemused and although she knows better
now I could tell it wasn’t the type of rock that she hoped I would be giving her
on this holiday. For the first time I made eye contact with the 2 guys behind,
there was no reason for them to be there, but if they were going to try anything
then one of us was going to learn a lesson they would never forget. Mine would
be listen to what the Holiday Rep tells you in future, but theirs would be that
I would defend my girlfriend, to my last breath or theirs whichever came first.

I maintained eye contact with them, but my girlfriend was staring at me, she
couldn’t understand the significance of a rock, eventually she broke the silence
“What? What is it? Is it a fossil? I can’t see anything!” trying my best not to
hyperventilate, I replied “No, it’s just a big rock” Curious she said well what
are you going to do with it, worrying that she may have to leave the shoes
behind that she’d loaded into my suitcase she said “you can’t take it home as a
souvenir, or you’ll have to pay for excess baggage!

The two guys were almost level with us, they were watching me, and watching the
rock
which I was holding at arm’s length, my girlfriend realised that there was
something wrong, she followed the direction of my gaze to see what I was staring
at and then she too became aware of their presence, I stepped in front of her
and I let her in on my plan I nodded my head in their direction, giving the 2
guys a  “Come On then I dare you "look", tossing the rock up in the air, praying
to god that I looked tough and that my catching abilities wouldn’t desert me on
this occasion, I had briefly considered hurling the rock at the Palm trees that
they were stood under and hoping that they would become 2 of the 150 people a
year that are killed by falling coconuts. I decided that was a bit of a long
shot so I said to my girlfriend “See the big guy, I’m going to hit him as hard
as I fucking can with it”.

There is a moment when you’re dealing with a customer who’s buying a car, you
can see in their eyes what they’re thinking, “is he bluffing, can I get more
discount, or is that really the very best deal he can do”, Word of warning, if
you’re trying to buy a car from me, I’m not a good liar, so I don’t usually
bluff” and you can tell from my eyes exactly what I’m thinking, usually its “if
you think you can get a better deal elsewhere, don’t let the door hit you in the
ass on the way out!” however on this occasion I had just become the World’s Best
Bluffer. Our two would-be assailants continued towards us in quite a threatening
manner but must have decided that the best deal available to them would be to
carry on walking up the beach without getting their heads smashed in with a
rock, or a coconut if my aim was a bit off and I hit a tree.

I don’t usually like crowded beaches but I can honestly say that it was a relief
to get back to one. I’d had enough excitement for one holiday, or so it seemed
at the time

A couple of nights later we had hired a car and gone to a restaurant that had
been recommended to us. It was owned by an English guy. When we finished our
meal, we went and sat at the bar to chat with him. He was studying an image on a
piece of paper, it looked like a scan that pregnant women have, it was of no
interest to me, but my Girlfriend had to ask! Turns out it he had downloaded the
image from a meteorological website. It was a satellite image of Hurricane Jose
which was a Category 2 and was heading towards Barbados, it was due to hit us
the next day. He advised us to go back to our Hotel immediately.

When we arrived the staff were busy boarding up the windows I asked if they
wanted any help but they were ok, so we returned to our room to find a note had
been slipped under our door “Be ready to leave at an hour’s notice” we packed
our bags but I didn’t want to sit in our room for the rest of the night and the
Prince Nasseem Hamed v Cesar Soto fight was being shown live on the big screen
at The Coach House Bar next door, I informed reception where we would be and
then we braved it through the now torrential rain and I got us a couple of
drinks. I had been quite a long time at the bar, as there was a crowd  and as I
was British they asked me what I thought of Prince Naseem.

When I returned to our table it was obvious that my girlfriend was upset and she
was fighting back the tears. I was hoping it was delayed reaction from tonight’s
sunset, although I didn’t know for sure, I suspected that It may have been
something I had done, I was right. No sooner had I sat down than I was on the
receiving end of a telling off. “There’s a hurricane approaching and you don’t
care do you, you’re enjoying it, you just think everything will be ok and that
you will have another story to tell your daft mates don’t you” I may never see
my children again, and you’re there in your element, and offering to help them
barricade the hotel windows!”

Now at this point, the 1st round of the Boxing Match had started on the TV above
her head, so while I was doing my best to appear sympathetic, and console her I
may have been paying more attention to the Naseem Hamed fight and not the one
that we were currently having. I spoke before I considered what I was saying
“Don’t worry, I’ve been on holiday with loads of women, and I’ve never lost one
yet” Now if you were my Girlfriend isn’t that something that you would find
comforting? No, she didn’t either.

You have no idea how much I regret saying that and have been made to suffer, or
the pain that one off the cuff remark has caused me since, anyway in the
interest of fairness and balance, I would like to point out that I am an
arrogant, conceited Bastard, and the other Women I had been on holiday up to
that point in time must have been Bimbo’s, allegedly!

As for the Hurricane, like our would-be assailants, it veered off at the last
minute and left us alone.

Just another day in Paradise!

Posted by Barrie Crampton at 17:10 No comments:
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Labels: Car Dealer Blog, Car Pictures, Honda Civic 1.6 i-DTEC ES-T Road Test
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