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* The Onion * * The A.V. Club * Deadspin * Gizmodo * Jalopnik * Jezebel * Kotaku * Quartz * The Root * The Takeout * * The Inventory America's Finest News Source. Send us a tip!ShopSubscribe HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo America's Finest News Source. HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo Politics REPUBLICANS EXPLAIN WHY TRUMP IS INNOCENT Following the former president’s third indictment, The Onion asked Republicans to explain why Donald Trump is innocent, and this is what they said. Politics BIDEN PROVES FITNESS BY HAVING LIMP BODY DRAGGED AROUND WHITE HOUSE LAWN Local ‘I SEE…UNFORTUNATELY, YOU MUST NOW BE PUNISHED,’ SAYS DOCTOR LEARNING PATIENT DOESN’T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE OAKLAND, CA—During a visit Friday to an urgent care facility at which a man seeking medical attention revealed that he did not have health insurance, a doctor reportedly told the patient, “I see…unfortunately, you must now be punished.” “It’s so… Breaking News COPS CONFIRM MASS SHOOTER’S MOTIVATION SOUNDS PRETTY COMPELLING LAPOINTE, DE—Speaking at a press conference to a community looking for answers hours after a brutal slaughter at a local mall left four people dead and six wounded, members of the LaPointe Police Department confirmed Friday that the mass shooter’s… Local DRUNK MAN ATTEMPTS TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO MECHANICAL BULL ABILENE, TX—Swaying as he put his arm around the machine, local drunk man Todd Bondy reportedly attempted Friday to talk some sense into a mechanical bull. “Hey man, be cool—no reason to freak out,” said Bondy, slurring his words as he explained to… Opinion AMERICANS EXPLAIN WHETHER JOE BIDEN SHOULD PARDON HIS SON Breaking News TRUMP ASKS JUDGE TO THROW OUT CASE SO AS NOT TO RUIN FUTURE SWIMMING CAREER Breaking News JUSTIN TRUDEAU SHOWS UP AT U.S. BORDER WITH DUFFEL BAG WATCH Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles CC Share Subtitles * Off * English Share this Video FacebookTwitterEmail RedditLink Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen 00:36 Now playing Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun 00:26 Now playing Ominous New Report Just Lists Places To Hide 00:35 Now playing Nintendo Unveils New Controller Designed To Be Chucked Across A Room 00:56 Now playing CHECK THESE OUT Opinion KIDS EXPLAIN HOW DISNEY TURNED THEM GAY Baseball FENWAY PARK SCOREBOARD FAN MESSAGES ALL CHILD SUPPORT DEMANDS American Voices TRUMP INDICTED FOR TRYING TO OVERTURN 2020 ELECTION News In Photos TRUMP TRIES TO APPEAR DEMURE IN COURT WEARING TASTEFUL STRING OF PEARLS Magazine OUR ANNUAL SENTENCES AND PICTURES ISSUE Cartoons CURBED EMISSIONS MORE Opinion REPUBLICANS DESCRIBE THEIR STRANGEST INTERACTION WITH RON DESANTIS Local DEPRESSED WOMAN’S SOLE SOURCE OF PLEASURE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF FOOD ON RESTAURANT WEBSITES Local BORDER PATROL AGENT STARTING TO WORRY HE THE RAPIST STEALING TAXPAYER MONEY Politics THE ONION EXPLAINS ‘BIDENOMICS’ LOCAL Show all Local MAN REACHES DEEP WITHIN TO FIND THE COURAGE TO RUN FROM ALL HIS PROBLEMS NEW YORK—Drawing from reserves he never even knew he had until this moment, local man Kevin Nachtman reportedly reached deep within himself Thursday to find the courage to run from all his problems. “You never know how strong you are until it’s time… Local WOMAN’S ENTIRE SELF-WORTH DEPENDENT ON ABILITY TO ACCOMPLISH UNREALISTIC GOAL BY ARBITRARY DEADLINE Local MAN PARANOID GIRLFRIEND FANTASIZES ABOUT SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE AS OFTEN AS HE DOES Local PANICKING MAN RECEIVES NOTIFICATION THIS HIS FIRST OUT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES ON JAZZTIMES.COM Local WOMAN WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER DECEASED GRANDMOTHER AS PERSON WHOSE HOUSE FAMILY HAD TO VISIT SOMETIMES POLITICS Show all Breaking News TRUMP SUPPORTERS REACT TO HIS THIRD INDICTMENT A federal grand jury has indicted former President Donald Trump on a multitude of charges related to his effort to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Trump supporters what they thought of his third indictment, and this is what they said. Politics POLL FINDS RON DESANTIS CANDIDATE VOTERS COULD MOST IMAGINE DRINKING BEER ALONE Politics RON DESANTIS FLUBS GROCERY STORE VISIT BY ATTEMPTING TO BUY CASHIER Breaking News BIDEN FORGETS NATION’S NAME Breaking News LATEST INDICTMENT REVEALS THAT TRUMP STRAPPED A BOMB TO BARRON AND NO ONE CARED IN CASE YOU MISSED IT Breaking News BLOODIED, BRUISED BIOLOGISTS CONFIRM KANGAROOS STILL 8 TIMES STRONGER THAN AVERAGE HUMAN Opinion HOLOCAUST DENIERS EXPLAIN WHY THEY DENY THE HOLOCAUST Breaking News MOST COMMON FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE BY STATE Breaking News THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A FAN OF BEN SHAPIRO OPINION Show all Opinion TWITTER USERS EXPLAIN WHY THEY’RE MOVING TO THREADS American Voices CHINESE ZOO DENIES BEARS ARE PEOPLE IN COSTUME Opinion AMERICANS REACT TO ‘FOREVER CHEMICALS’ IN THEIR WATER Cartoons EASY DERIDER ENTERTAINMENT Show all Magazine OUR ANNUAL SENTENCES AND PICTURES ISSUE Now playing 00:35 TikTok TEXAS LAUNCHES OUTREACH PROGRAM TO PROVIDE TROUBLED TEENS WITH ASSAULT RIFLES Entertainment STUDIO SALVAGES TERRIBLE FILM’S BOX OFFICE NUMBERS BY MARKETING IT AS MOVIE LIBERALS DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE Now playing 00:35 TikTok OMINOUS NEW REPORT JUST LISTS PLACES TO HIDE Football NFL PLAYERS SUSPENDED FOR VIOLATING DRAFTKINGS TERMS OF USE Basketball FREE AGENT KYRIE IRVING EXCITED TO ALIENATE ALL POTENTIAL OPTIONS Hockey VEGAS-AREA PAWN SHOP CELEBRATES BEING 6 WEEKS AWAY FROM OWNING STANLEY CUP Football TYREEK HILL SURPRISED TO DISCOVER ASSAULT ILLEGAL IN FLORIDA word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1