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Read the full Summer Stimmy

B.L. 1982


THE BUD LIGHT
SUMMER STIMMY


BUD LIGHT’S PROPOSAL FOR AN EPIC SUMMER, INCLUDING TICKETS TO SPORTING EVENTS,
BUD LIGHT ON US, AND THE RETURN OF LIVE MUSIC.




OUR PROPOSAL


TO PROVIDE AN AWESOME AMOUNT OF AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE SUMMER 2021 EVEN AWESOMER
FOR PEOPLE ACROSS AMERICA.

Bud Light is proud to introduce the Bud Light Summer Stimmy proposal to bring
back some much-needed fun and be sure everyone across America has the best
summer ever. We need your endorsement to make it happen! Sign up below to get
notified when the Summer Stimmy is officially approved!

Free stuff included in the proposal

Part I

GRATIS SPORTS TICKETS

("gratis" is Latin for FREE)

Read Part I

SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:

 * Free Sports Tickets!
 * Gronk
 * Mt. Rushmore: The Water Park
 * Summer Tuesdays
 * Hybrid Sports

Part II

GRATIS BEER

(the term "gratis" means...WAIT, didn’t you read PART I? It means ON THE HOUSE)

Read Part II

SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:

 * A Beer on Us
 * Jorts
 * Approved Father’s Day Topics
 * STL Residents Named Louis or Louise
 * Tacos!

Part III

GRATIS MUSIC!

(the term “gratis” means...do we really have to do this again? It means BUD
LIGHT RULES!)

Read Part III

SECTION HIGHLIGHTS:

 * Concert Tickets on Us!
 * The Stimmy Shimmy
 * Finger Foods
 * The Grillmaster
 * Mosquito Bite Ceasefire


ENDORSE NOW

Get notified when the proposal is approved.

Read the full Bud Light Summer Stimmy

GET YOUR SUMMER STIMMY
ENDORSE TO GET YOUR SUMMER STIMMY
Part I › Sec. 26


SUBTITLE A - THE FIRST ONE IS ON US


HEAR! HEAR! HEAR! HEAR!


Read the full Summer Stimmy Share


Part I › Sec. 26


SUBTITLE A - THE FIRST ONE IS ON US


HEAR! HEAR! HEAR! HEAR!


Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part I ›  Sec. 1


SUBTITLE A—TONS OF TIX


SEC. 1—FREE SPORTS TICKETS!

Pursuant to making Summer 2021 truly epic, Bud Light will give away up to
100,000 sports tickets (henceforth referred to as a ‘shipload’) to fans who
can’t wait to see their favorite sports teams again because NOTHING goes better
than Bud Light and sports. Tickets will be distributed across MLB and the NFL,
NBA, WNBA, NWSL, and NHL. Bud Light acknowledges that fans of certain franchises
may be more excited than others. But Bud Light assures you that THIS IS THE
YEAR.

(1) BUD LIGHT LAWYER: It is not.

(2) The sports-adoring public have been seeing cardboard fans in stands for far
too long, and deserves to yet again hear the mighty call of the beer vendor: ICE
COOOOLD BUUUUDDD LIIIIIGHT HERREE!

(3) NOTA BENE (not sure what that means, but pretty sure it’s Italian): Any
hockey fans who are upset that their league is last in the above list need to
cool their skates, as the list is in alphabetical order.

(4) BUD LIGHT LAWYER: Um, is it?

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part I ›  Sec. 2


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


GRONK

Bud Light to formally nominate Robert James Gronkowski (henceforth known as
‘GRONK’) to the newly created post of Secretary of Summer.

Subsection A—Addendum to make May 14—Gronk’s birthday—National Gronk Day.

Subsection B—Proposal to replace Teddy Roosevelt’s face on Mount Rushmore with
Gronk’s.

Subsection C—Both initiatives to become null and void if and when Gronk returns
to his home planet.



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part I ›  Sec. 4


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 4—MT. RUSHMORE: THE WATER PARK

Bud Light proposes that Mount Rushmore be converted into a massive water park,
thereby allowing Americans to gracefully slide down Teddy Roosevelt’s moustache
and do a cannonball off George Washington’s nose.

Addendum 1—Per Sec. 2, Subsection B, Teddy Roosevelt and his awesome moustache
may in fact be replaced by Gronk and his awesome visage.

Addendum 2—Is it moustache or mustache? Not to mention, ketchup or catsup? Bud
Light demands answers! That’s why we propose forming THE COMMITTEE ON MOUSTACHES
AND KETCHUP. Or should we title it the COMMITTEE ON MUSTACHES AND CATSUP?

Addendum 3—Bud Light proposes forming a committee to decide what to title the
aforementioned committee (‘THE COMMITTEE ON NAMING THE COMMITTEE ON
MOUSTACHES/MUSTACHES AND KETCHUP/CATSUP’), and while we’re at it, we also
propose forming a committee to help prevent moustachioed persons from getting
ketchup on their moustaches and a second committee to prevent mustachioed
persons from getting catsup on their mustaches…unless said persons like having
ketchup/catsup there, perhaps purposely saving it for later in the day? Kinda
like how Abraham Lincoln was known for storing trail mix in his beard. (As seen
in the director’s cut of his biopic from a few years back.)



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part I ›  Sec. 14


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 14-SUMMER TUESDAYS

Through Labor Day 2021, all forthcoming “Summer Fridays” shall henceforth begin
at noon on Tuesday, and extend until the following Monday at noon.

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part I ›  Sec. 6


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


HYBRID SPORTS

Per the recent introduction of Footgolf (henceforth known as and heretofore
referred to as, um, “FOOTGOLF”) to the American sports landscape, this summer
Bud Light will apply for funding to introduce the following HYBRID SPORTS:

(A) Basketball + Rugby = Basketbugby

(B) Surfing + Equestrian = Horse-Surfing

(C) Football + Sailing = Failing

(D) Swimming + Lacrosse + Field Hockey = Swimming Across A Field

(E) Softball + Soccer = A “Soft Socks” Competition

(F) Synchronized Swimming + Rock Climbing = Synchronized Rock Climbing

(G) Field Hockey + Track & Field = Field & Field



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part II ›  Sec. 26


SUBTITLE A - THE FIRST ONE IS ON US


SEC. 26-HEAR! HEAR! BEER! BEER!

One Bud Light for people of legal drinking age! In accordance with the newly
declared FIRST ONE IS ON US ACT OF 2021. The fun-loving people of our GREAT
NATION are ready to get back together SAFELY and, pending approval by the Bud
Light Secretary of Summer (see SEC. 5-87TE), the BEER WILL BE ON US. Beers to be
distributed to the following eligible applicants:

 1. Individuals between the ages of 21 and 30, who, per the MILLENNIAL ACT OF
    2019, have termed everyone over the age of 30 as ‘boomers.’
 2. Individuals 30 and older, who, per the recently ratified BOOMER ACT OF 2021,
    want to remind everyone under the age of 30 to show a little more respect to
    those who have come before them.
 3. They’d also like to remind millennials that millennials has two N’s in it.
 4. BUD LIGHT LAWYER: Me again. You guys up for a little legalese?
 5. YOU: Boo!!! Boo!!!
 6. US: Yeah! Boo, Bud Light Lawyer! Have you no shame? What do you say to that,
    Bud Light Lawyer?
 7. Touche, Bud Light Lawyer. Touche.

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part II ›  Sec. 34-36w


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 34-36W—JORTS

Bud Light will provide wardrobe assistance for any male person in a bar wearing
denim cut-off shorts (henceforth referred to as “jorts”), particularly if
they’re short shorts jorts.

Rider To Sec. 34-36W—Bud Light will also provide fashion funding to assist males
wearing shark-tooth necklaces, blazers with shorts, blazers with no shirt
underneath (henceforth referred to as “bare-chested suits”), finger shoes, deep
V-neck T-shirts, and any outfit that exposes male midriff.



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part II ›  Sec. 41


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 41—APPROVED FATHER’S DAY TOPICS

Bud Light recognizes that America’s dads would love nothing more than a bit of
peace and quiet this Father’s Day. But we also recognize—and Dad does too,
though begrudgingly—that it’d be rude to ignore any offspring that might come to
visit. That’s why we worked with the NATIONAL CONVERSATION COMMISSION (“NCC”) to
put together a list of topics that will allow dads to engage in conversations
more easily on JUNE 20, while watching their favorite baseball team or their
favorite British crime procedural on TV and enjoying a cold Bud Light...while
trying to figure out how to get their recliner to that angle they really like.

Federally Approved Father’s Day Topics:

 * General MacArthur
 * The 84th Infantry Division
 * U-Boats
 * Any sort of boats
 * Anything related to WW2
 * His favorite screwdriver
 * How they changed the magazines in the doctor’s waiting room and how he
   doesn’t like that
 * Can you look at this rash?
 * How to properly clean your outdoor grill
 * Have you cleaned your grill? You really need to do so every summer.
 * That g*ddamn team from Queens
 * That g*ddamn squirrel in the backyard, you know the one
 * His new flossing method
 * The smoke alarm acting up again
 * The neighbors bought a new car. Their second one in the past two years.
 * A new food that’s been giving him heartburn
 * The neighbors won’t rake their leaves and now the leaves are blowing into his
   yard
 * That dang squirrel is back
 * Ernest Shackleton
 * Boats again
 * Icebergs
 * The goldfinch he spotted on his walk
 * Speaking of goldfinches, the neighbors (the Goldbergs) bought a new car
 * The best binoculars for birding
 * The Goldbergs are extending their driveway
 * How would you like your burger?
 * His plans for going to war against that squirrel

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part II ›  Sec. 42STL


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 42-STL—RESIDENTS NAMED LOUIS OR LOUIS

During the month of July, Bud Light will give everyone in St. Louis named Louis
OR Louise a free T-shirt that says: “My parents named me Louis/Louise and all I
got from Bud Light was this awesome T-shirt.” Residents named Louis or Louise
who have also been canonized as saints might also be eligible to receive a pair
of Bud Light socks (while supplies last).



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part II ›  Sec. 53


SUBTITLE B—MORE AWESOMENESS


SEC. 53—TACOS!

For the month of May, Bud Light is proposing that Taco Tuesday be extended to
any day that ends in -ay. Pursuant to the enjoyment of the aforementioned tacos,
we are providing the following taco recipe that has been deemed ‘fire.’

Bud Light Tacos Ingredients:

 * 2 tablespoons canola oil
 * 2 tablespoons lime juice
 * 3 cloves garlic, minced
 * 2 teaspoons chili powder
 * 1 teaspoon dried oregano
 * 1 teaspoon ground cumin
 * 1 1/2 pounds skirt steak, cut into small pieces
 * 12 mini corn tortillas
 * 3/4 cup red onion, diced
 * 1/2 cup cilantro leaves, chopped
 * 1 lime, cut into wedges
 * 1 Bud Light, perfectly chilled

Directions:

 1. Combine lime juice, 1 tbsp. canola oil, garlic, chili powder, cumin, and
    oregano.
 2. In large bowl, combine mixture and steak; marinate for at least 1 hour (up
    to 4 hours), turning occasionally.
 3. Heat remaining 1 tbsp. canola oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat.
    Add steak and marinade, and cook, stirring often, until steak has browned
    and marinade has reduced, about 5 minutes.
 4. Serve steak in tortillas, topped with onion, cilantro, and lime.
 5. Crack open an ice-cold Bud Light and enjoy.



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part III ›  Sec. 55


SUBTITLE A—TURN IT UP TO 11


SEC. 55—CONCERT TICKETS ON US!

Bud Light recognizes how much you’ve missed live music over the past year.
That’s why Bud Light is bringing live music back to the people, or rather
bringing the people back to live music by providing a shipload of tickets
(henceforth referred to as a ‘BOATLOAD’) to your favorite music venues around
the country. ALL. SUMMER. LONG. More to come from us this summer!

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part III ›  Sec. 56


SUBTITLE B—MORE “MORE MORE AWESOMENESS”


SEC. 56—THE STIMMY SHIMMY

Bud Light proposes that the official Hot Dance of Summer 2021 be THE STIMMY
SHIMMY. Unfortunately, we’ve been so focused on our legislative duties that we
haven’t had time to quite figure out what the dance actually consists of.
So...we were kinda hoping you, AMERICA’S AWESOME DANCERS, could. Post your own
#BudLightStimmyShimmy and take your shot at creating this summer’s hottest
dance.

Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part III ›  Sec. 59


SUBTITLE B—MORE “MORE MORE AWESOMENESS”


SEC. 59—FINGER FOODS

In accordance with the National Finger Food Council and Asst. Secretary of
Snacking, the following foods are recommended and approved for holding in one
hand while holding a Bud Light with the other:

 * (1) Hot Dogs
 * (2) Hard-Boiled Eggs
 * (3) Pretzels
 * (4) Donuts (mmm...donuts)
 * (5) Knishes
 * (6) Apple Fritters
 * (7) Kebabs
 * (8) Donuts
 * (9) Spring Rolls
 * (10) Pizza
 * (11) Donuts
 * (12) Sandwiches
 * (13) Corn Dogs
 * (14) Chicken Fingers
 * (15) Hand Pies (yeah, you better believe those are a thing)
 * (16) Burritos
 * (17) Tacos
 * (18) Calzones
 * (19) Anything on a SKEWER (Great word. Say it aloud with me: “Skewer.” Feels
   good, right?)
 * (20) Donuts
 * (21) Quesadillas
 * (22) Lamb Chops
 * (23) Egg Rolls
 * (24) Donuts
 * (25) Ice Cream Cone (ice cream is a food, right?)
 * (26) Pastry Pockets
 * (27) Sliders
 * (28) Sausage Rolls
 * (29) Empanadas
 * (30) Donuts
 * (31) Bread Sticks
 * (32) Churros (maybe more fun to say than skewers)
 * (33) Dumplings
 * (34) Pizza Pockets
 * (35) Chicken Wings
 * (36) Papadums!



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part III ›  Sec. 67-BBQ


SUBTITLE A—TURN IT UP TO 11


SEC. 67-BBQ—THE GRILLMASTER

When attending a family BBQ, the host shall be addressed by the venerable title
of ‘GRILLMASTER.’ Party guests shall speak in hushed, reverent tones when in the
vicinity of the grill, hereafter referred to as ‘HIS/ HER PRIDE AND JOY.’ Guests
shall respectfully sip Bud Lights while listening to the GRILLMASTER’S monologue
in which he/she reveals the backstory to his/her secret sauce and the pros and
cons of using wood chips versus charcoal. Under no circumstances shall anyone
attempt to eat the foodstuff emerging from His/Her Pride and Joy while
Grillmaster is discussing any of the above.

Subsection Lo-Slo—At no point should the grill be referred to as ‘the barbecue,’
e.g., “Honey, start up the barbecue while I marinate the chicken breasts in
Italian dressing.” NO! That type of language will not be tolerated. It’s a
grill, people! Just a grill. Cooking food over fire. That’s GRILLING. Back us
up, Texas. We know you’re with us, KC.



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share
Part III ›  Sec. 89


SUBTITLE A—TURN IT UP TO 11


SEC. 89—MOSQUITO BITE CEASEFIRE

In order to decrease the number of mosquito attacks on humans, the SECRETARY OF
INSECTS THAT MAKE YOU GO “OUCH!” has declared a truce with America’s mosquitos.
Per the agreement, all humans should practice the following:



 * Avoid wearing any fragrance that says “come hither” to mosquitos
 * Paint their legs a rich mahogany or walnut so they look like table legs, not
   human legs
 * If the truce doesn’t hold, consider performing the classic “stand next to
   someone the mosquitos like more than you” to draw them away from your
   precious self



Read the full Summer Stimmy Share