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Listening skills


HOW TO BECOME A BETTER LISTENER

Sharpen these seven skills.
by
 * Robin Abrahams
   and
 * Boris Groysberg

by
 * Robin Abrahams
   and
 * Boris Groysberg

December 21, 2021
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Summary.    Listening is a skill that’s vitally important, sadly undertaught,
and physically and mentally taxing. In the aftermath of Covid-19, particularly
with the shift to remote work and the red-hot job market, it’s never been more
important — or more difficult — for leaders to...more
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It’s never been more important — or more difficult — for leaders to be good
listeners. Job switching is rampant, and remote work means we don’t get the
nonverbal cues we’d pick up from an in-person conversation. Employers who fail
to listen and thoughtfully respond to their people’s concerns will see greater
turnover. And given that the highest rates of turnover are among top performers
who can take clients and projects with them, and the frontline employees
responsible for the customer experience, the risk is clear.

While listening is a skill universally lauded, it’s rarely, if ever, explicitly
taught as such, outside of training for therapists. A 2015 study showed that
while 78% of accredited undergraduate business schools list “presenting” as a
learning goal, only 11% identified “listening.”

Listening well is the kind of skill that benefits from not just teaching but
coaching — ongoing, specialized instruction from someone who knows your personal
strengths, weaknesses, and most importantly, habits. Reading this article won’t
turn you into a champion listener any more than reading an article on balance
will turn you into Simone Biles. Our aims are to increase your understanding of
what good listening is, and offer research-backed advice to improve your
listening skills.


BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER

A participant in any conversation has two goals: first, to understand what the
other person is communicating (both the overt meaning and the emotion behind it)
and second, to convey interest, engagement, and caring to the other person. This
second goal is not “merely” for the sake of kindness, which would be reason
enough. If people do not feel listened to, they will cease to share information.

This is “active listening.” It has three aspects:

 * Cognitive: Paying attention to all the information, both explicit and
   implicit, that you are receiving from the other person, comprehending, and
   integrating that information
 * Emotional: Staying calm and compassionate during the conversation, including
   managing any emotional reactions (annoyance, boredom) you might experience
 * Behavioral: Conveying interest and comprehension verbally and nonverbally

Getting good at active listening is a lifetime endeavor. However, even minor
improvements can make a big difference in your listening effectiveness. Here’s a
“cheat sheet” with nine helpful tips:


1. REPEAT PEOPLE’S LAST FEW WORDS BACK TO THEM.

If you remember nothing else, remember this simple practice that does so much.
It makes the other person feel listened to, keeps you on track during the
conversation, and provides a pause for both of you to gather thoughts or recover
from an emotional reaction.


2. DON’T “PUT IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS” UNLESS YOU NEED TO.

Multiple studies have shown that direct repetition works, even though it may
feel unnatural. Rephrasing what your interlocutor has said, however, can
increase both emotional friction and the mental load on both parties. Use this
tool only when you need to check your own comprehension — and say, explicitly,
“I’m going to put this in my own words to make sure I understand.”


3. OFFER NONVERBAL CUES THAT YOU’RE LISTENING — BUT ONLY IF IT COMES NATURALLY
TO YOU.

Eye contact, attentive posture, nodding and other nonverbal cues are important,
but it’s hard to pay attention to someone’s words when you’re busy reminding
yourself to make regular eye contact. If these sorts of behaviors would require
a significant habit change, you can instead, let people know at the beginning of
a conversation that you’re on the non-reactive side, and ask for their patience
and understanding.


4. PAY ATTENTION TO NONVERBAL CUES.

Remember that active listening means paying attention to both the explicit and
implicit information that you’re receiving in a conversation. Nonverbal cues,
such as tone of voice, facial expression, and body language, are usually where
the motivation and emotion behind the words is expressed.


5. ASK MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOU THINK YOU NEED TO.

This both improves the other person’s experience of feeling listened to, ensures
that you fully understand their message, and can serve as a prompt to make sure
important details aren’t overlooked.


6. MINIMIZE DISTRACTIONS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

You’ll want to avoid noise, interruptions, and other external distractions, but
it’s important to minimize your internal distractions as well. If you are
preoccupied with another topic, take time to re-center. If you know a
conversation might be upsetting, calm yourself as much as possible before going
in.


7. ACKNOWLEDGE SHORTCOMINGS.

If you know going into a conversation that you may be a subpar listener —
because you’re exhausted from a dozen intense conversations earlier that day,
unfamiliar with the topic under discussion, or any other reason — let the other
person know right away. If you lose your footing during the conversation — a
lapse of attention or comprehension — say you didn’t quite get it, and ask the
person to repeat themselves.


8. DON’T REHEARSE YOUR RESPONSE WHILE THE OTHER PERSON IS TALKING.

Take a brief pause after they finish speaking to compose your thoughts. This
will require conscious effort! People think about four times faster than other
people talk, so you’ve got spare brainpower when you’re a listener. Use it to
stay focused and take in as much information as possible.


9. MONITOR YOUR EMOTIONS.

If you have an emotional reaction, slow the pace of the conversation. Do more
repetition, pay attention to your breathing. You don’t want to respond in a way
that will cause the other person to disengage. Nor — and this is a subtler thing
to avoid — do you want to fall into the easy defense mechanism of simply tuning
out what you don’t want to hear, or rushing to discount or argue it away.


THE SKILLS INVOLVED IN ACTIVE LISTENING

Listening is a complex job, with many different subtasks, and it’s possible to
be good at some and bad at others. Rather than thinking of yourself as a “good
listener” or a “bad listener,” it can be useful to evaluate yourself on the
subskills of active listening. Below is a breakdown of these subskills along
with recommendations for what to do if you’re struggling with any one of them.

First, let’s start with what we call the “picking-up skills,” the skills that
allow you to gather the information you need.


1. HEARING

If you have hearing loss, be honest about it. For whatever reason, people will
boast about their poor vision but hide hearing loss. Help break that stigma. Ask
for what you need — e.g., for people to face you when talking, or give you
written materials in advance. Let others know, so that they will be alert to
indications that you may have missed something.


2. AUDITORY PROCESSING

This refers to how well the brain makes sense of the sound cues. If you’re
struggling to understand someone, ask questions to clarify. If it’s helpful,
from time to time recap your understanding of both the subject and the other
person’s reason for bringing it up — and ask them to validate or refine it.
(Make it clear that you are doing this for your own understanding.)


3. READING BODY LANGUAGE, TONE OF VOICE, OR SOCIAL CUES ACCURATELY

The advice for auditory processing applies here. Asking a trusted colleague to
be your nonverbal communication translator may be helpful in situations where
accurate listening is important, but confidentiality is not.

The next two skills involve staying mentally present in the conversational
moment.


4. MAINTAINING ATTENTION

If you often find yourself distracted when trying to listen to someone, control
your environment as much as possible. Before you begin, set an intention by
taking a moment to deliberately focus on this person, in this moment, in a
conversation that will be about this topic. If appropriate, use a written agenda
or in-the-moment whiteboarding to keep yourself and the other person aligned. If
you do have a lapse in attention, admit it, apologize, and ask the person to
repeat what they said. (Yes, it’s embarrassing, but it happens to everyone
occasionally and to some of us frequently.) Arrive a few minutes early to
acclimate yourself if you are having a meeting in a new place.


5. REGULATING YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSE

Meditation has both immediate and short-term benefits for relaxation and
emotional control, regardless of the particular practice. The key is to do it
twice a day for 10 to 20 minutes, focusing on a mental image or repeating a
phrase and dismissing other thoughts as they come.

In the moment, focus on your breathing and do a “grounding exercise” if you feel
agitated. These are simple psychological practices that work to pull people back
to the present moment by directing attention to the immediate environment.
Typical exercises include naming five colored objects that you can see (e.g.,
green couch, black dog, gold lamp, white door, red rug) or identifying four
things that you are hearing, seeing, feeling, and smelling (e.g., hearing
birdsong, seeing chair, feeling chenille upholstery, smelling neighbors’
cooking).

Finally, the active listener has to pull the entire package — receiving the
message and acknowledging its receipt — together, in the moment. It can be
challenging!


6. INTEGRATING MULTIPLE SOURCES OF INFORMATION.

At the very least, you are both listening to words and watching body language.
You may also be listening to multiple people at once, communicating on multiple
platforms simultaneously, or listening while also taking in visual information,
such as building plans or sales projections.Figure out what helps you listen
best. Do you need information in advance? A “processing break”? A chance to
circle back and confirm everyone’s understanding? This is another situation
where it can be helpful to have another person taking in the same information,
who can fill you in on what you might have missed.


7. “PERFORMING” ACTIVE LISTENING (E.G., EYE CONTACT, NODDING, APPROPRIATE FACIAL
EXPRESSIONS).

If you have a natural poker face, or find it easier to pay attention to people’s
words if you don’t make eye contact, share that information with your
conversation partner, and thank them for accommodating you. Do extra repetition
to make up for the lack of nonverbal communication. You may want to practice
better performativity skills, but don’t add that mental burden to important
conversations. Ask a five-year-old to tell you about their favorite superhero,
then practice acting like you’re listening.

Please note: This list is not intended to be diagnostic instrument, but if any
of the skills listed above seem truly difficult to you, you may want to consult
your doctor. Scientific understanding of these processes, from the sensory
organs to the brain, has expanded greatly in the past years. Many successful
adults have discovered mid-career that they have undiagnosed sensory, attention,
information-processing, or other disorders than can impair listening ability.

For each of these subskills, there is also a range of natural ability, and your
life experience may have enhanced or muted this potential. We know, for example,
that music training improves auditory processing skills, and acting or
improvisation training improves your ability to “read” people and perform the
role of an active listener. Having power, by contrast, decreases your ability to
read others and accurately grasp their message — don’t let this happen to you!

***

Listening is vitally important, sadly undertaught, physically and mentally
taxing, and in the aftermath of Covid-19 has never been more difficult. As we
close in on a third year of unprecedented upheaval in work and life, employees
and managers alike have more questions than ever — concerns that they may find
it difficult to articulate for a variety of reasons, from mental fog to the
sheer novelty of the situation.

When this happens, take a moment to listen closely. Consider the questioner, not
simply the question. Now is the time for leaders to really listen, understand
the context, resist the temptation to respond with generic answers, and
recognize your own listening limitations — and improve on them. Have compassion
for yourself — you can’t scream at your own brain like a drill sergeant and whip
that raw grey matter into shape. What you can do is recognize your weak points
and make the necessary adjustments.

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Read more on Listening skills or related topics Collaboration and teams,
Leadership and managing people, Leadership development, Leadership qualities,
Management communication, Management skills, Managing people, Managing
employees, Interpersonal skills and Interpersonal communication
 * Robin Abrahams is a research associate at Harvard Business School.
 * BG
   Boris Groysberg is a professor of business administration in the
   Organizational Behavior unit at Harvard Business School and a faculty
   affiliate at the school’s Race, Gender & Equity Initiative. He is the
   coauthor, with Colleen Ammerman, of Glass Half-Broken: Shattering the
   Barriers That Still Hold Women Back at Work (Harvard Business Review Press,
   2021).
   bgroysberg

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Read more on Listening skills or related topics Collaboration and teams,
Leadership and managing people, Leadership development, Leadership qualities,
Management communication, Management skills, Managing people, Managing
employees, Interpersonal skills and Interpersonal communication



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NANO INTERACTIVE GROUP LTD.

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SIMPLIFI HOLDINGS INC

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PUBMATIC, INC

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COMSCORE B.V.

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MEDIAMATH, INC.

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PULSEPOINT, INC.

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SMAATO, INC.

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SEMASIO GMBH

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CRIMTAN HOLDINGS LIMITED

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GENIUS SPORTS UK LIMITED

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CRITEO SA

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BLIS GLOBAL LIMITED

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LOTAME SOLUTIONS, INC

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LIVERAMP

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LOOPME LIMITED

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DYNATA LLC

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BIDSWITCH GMBH

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IPONWEB GMBH

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NEXTROLL, INC.

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TEADS FRANCE SAS

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STRÖER SSP GMBH (SSP)

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OS DATA SOLUTIONS GMBH & CO. KG

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PLATFORM161 B.V.

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ADACADO TECHNOLOGIES INC. (DBA ADACADO)

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BASIS GLOBAL TECHNOLOGIES, INC.

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SMADEX, S.L.U.

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BOMBORA INC.

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SPOTX, INC

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EASYMEDIA GMBH

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ADVANCED STORE GMBH

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MAGNITE CTV, INC.

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DELTA PROJECTS AB

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USEMAX ADVERTISEMENT (EMEGO GMBH)

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EMETRIQ GMBH

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ONETAG LIMITED

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IMPROVE DIGITAL

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ADOBE ADVERTISING CLOUD

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TABMO SAS

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INTEGRAL AD SCIENCE, INC.

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JIVOX CORPORATION

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SOJERN, INC.

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EXACTAG GMBH

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CELTRA INC.

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MAINADV SRL

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GEMIUS SA

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THE KANTAR GROUP LIMITED

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SOLOCAL SA

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PIXALATE, INC.

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ORACLE ADVERTISING

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AUDIENCEPROJECT APS

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DEMANDBASE, INC.

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ARRIVALIST CO.

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ADLUDIO LTD.

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BLENDEE SRL

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INNOVID LLC

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PAPIRFLY AS

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SALESFORCE.COM, INC.

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VERVE GROUP EUROPE GMBH

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KOCHAVA INC.

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OTTO (GMBH & CO KG)

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LOCALSENSOR B.V.

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ONLINE SOLUTION

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GP ONE GMBH

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LIFTOFF MOBILE, INC.

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THE MEDIAGRID INC.

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MINDTAKE RESEARCH GMBH

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CINT AB

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GOOGLE ADVERTISING PRODUCTS

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GFK SE

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CLINCH LABS LTD

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AMAZON ADVERTISING

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