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U.S. GOVERNMENT COYLY DENIES INVOLVEMENT IN ANYTHING NAUGHTY


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WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of
“silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday
that it was involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The
American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty
tricks like that,” said a blushing Secretary of State Antony Blinken, speaking
in a baby voice and pursing his lips as he stood alongside Defense Secretary
Lloyd Austin, National Intelligence Director Avril Haines, and other
Cabinet-level officials, all of whom reportedly giggled and blushed like
schoolgirls. “Why, we wouldn’t know the first thing about how to negotiate a $3
billion arms deal with the Saudis, allowing them to continue killing hundreds of
thousands of Yemenis in what may be the worst humanitarian catastrophe of our
lifetimes! We’re bad? No, you’re bad. And big and strong, too, aren’t you? Yes,
yes, you are!” At press time, Blinken could not be reached for comment after he
started to cry, left the stage, and told reporters that any chance they thought
they had with the U.S. government was officially over.

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