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COMMENTARY: WHY MEN SHOULD CARE AND DO MORE ABOUT WOMEN’S ISSUES

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COMMENTARY: WHY MEN SHOULD CARE AND DO MORE ABOUT WOMEN’S ISSUES

The upcoming review of gender issues in Singapore must involve an often
overlooked demographic – men – says AWARE member Kristian-Marc James Paul.

KRISTIAN-MARC JAMES PAUL

Kristian-Marc James Paul
07 Nov 2020 05:57AM (Updated: 31 Mar 2021 03:13PM)
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SINGAPORE: A while ago, I was watching the Netflix series Sex Education. 

For the uninitiated, Sex Education follows Otis, a teenager who starts giving
out advice to his school mates after years of observing his single mother - a
sex therapist - counselling her clients.


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In one particular episode, Otis and his mother have a huge argument that they
can’t seem to resolve. In response to Otis’ stubbornness, his exasperated mother
says:

> As the primary carer in your life, I always get your worst. And I’m tired of
> it.

As the only son of a single mother too, I think about that scene a lot. Like
Otis’ mother, almost all of the workload and responsibility fell onto my mother
after my parents’ divorce.


And like Otis’ father in the show, who is separated from the family, my father
seemed to escape these responsibilities. He moved out, spent weekends and
holidays with his friends, while my mother worried constantly about housing us,
making financial ends meet and being a good parent to me.

A WELCOME GENDER REVIEW


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I thought about that scene again about a month ago, when it was announced that
Singapore will embark on a comprehensive review of issues affecting women to
bring about a mindset change on values like gender equality and respect for
women.

The review is the first of its kind and marks a welcome shift — the announcement
articulated that “changes to Singapore’s cultural value system” are needed, as
opposed to just piecemeal solutions.

However, there was one thing missing in the announcement: An explicit call for
men to get involved in the process.




READ: COMMENTARY: HERE’S WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT REGARDING GENDER EQUALITY


READ: REVIEW ON WOMEN'S ISSUES GOES BEYOND THE LAW, AIMS TO 'DEEPLY INGRAIN'
GENDER EQUALITY IN SOCIETY: SHANMUGAM

Gender discrimination, and the structural barriers that women face, exist
because generations of men have been complicit (consciously or unconsciously) in
the oppressive system of patriarchy.


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A lot of men have held onto misogynistic views, perpetuated unconscious biases,
relegated women to the space of the home, discriminated at work based on gender,
committed sexual and domestic violence, and so on.

This review, then, is an opportunity for men to think about how we can inculcate
the importance of gender equality into other men. It would be remiss if we
didn’t get involved in this review and if we let women do all the work.

Office workers at Raffles Place during lunch hour on Jun 2, 2020, the day after
Singapore exited its "circuit breaker" to stem the spread of COVID-19. (Photo:
Jeremy Long)

For the men that need convincing, there is extensive international literature
that suggests that men in gender-equal societies are better off than those in
less equal ones.

These men tend to be healthier, both mentally and physically, and more satisfied
with life on multiple fronts. As such, it is only in our own interests to show
support for gender equality and to try and find ways to achieve it.

However, I don’t want to dwell too much on studies and disembodied analyses,
because gender equality and equity is personal to me.


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WOMEN DOING THE WORK ON BEHALF OF MEN

As I mentioned, for years I witnessed the struggles of my single mother. My
maternal grandmother was also a single mother. So I have come to see how
gendered this phenomenon can be.

Care work, for too long, has fallen almost exclusively on the shoulders of women
without any choice in the matter, and often without compensation. 

Bearing the responsibility of managing the household, caring for children, are
all forms of labour that are rarely distributed evenly.

For example, in June, a National University of Singapore research revealed that
on average, mothers spend more than twice as much time as fathers directly
engaged with their child on weekdays.





READ: COMMENTARY: COVID-19 IS GIVING DADS MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE INVOLVED AT
HOME


READ: COMMENTARY: 'SUPER MUMS' HAVE ONE SIMPLE REQUEST. DON’T HINDER THEM FROM
RETURNING TO WORK


This then results in the lack of accountability seen in men. Time and time again
we see emotionally absent or distant fathers, fathers who leave the parenting to
their wives.

This isn’t because they’re ill equipped to parent — there’s nothing inherent in
men that makes them poor carers. More likely, men are socialised to see this as
work they don’t need to do.

(Photo: Unsplash/The Honest Company)

This may not be a belief that is explicitly articulated. But one only needs to
look at how paternity leave is structured and thought about to see how deeply
ingrained this line of thinking is. 

By law, employers are only obligated to give two weeks of paternity leave in
Singapore, compared to at least 12 weeks of maternity leave.

While numerous organisations do give more than the mandatory two weeks’
paternity leave, the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) reported
that 6 in 10 fathers still did not take paternity leave in 2018.

It goes without saying that this imbalance of care work is even more pronounced
for single mothers, where all the responsibility has to be taken up by one
person — like my mum.




READ: COMMENTARY: GOODBYE TO THOSE DAYS, WHEN WOMEN WERE 'PIECES OF MEAT FOR MEN
TO SLICE'


READ: COMMENTARY: BURDEN OF CARING FOR AGEING PARENTS WEIGHS HEAVIEST ON
UNMARRIED DAUGHTERS

GENDER INEQUALITY HARMS MEN TOO

Beyond housework and parenting, men also tend to delegate emotional labour to
women. And while that may not strike you as "real work", ensuring the
psychological well-being of others is a mental load that strains the bandwidth
of many women.

Many men see emotional and mental well-being as "feminine" and unimportant
concepts. This mentality prevents them from seeking help and support—especially
from other men — and from developing emotional literacy and intelligence.

For example, a 2016 Canadian study found that among 360 respondents who had
experienced depression or suicidal ideation, more men than women were
embarrassed about seeking formal treatment for depression.

This penalises men around the world to an enormous degree. It is tragic, but not
surprising, that three times as many men as women die by suicide in high-income
countries, as reported by the World Health Organization in 2018.

We end up being so paralysed by the expectation of being stoic and
"rational", we end up hurting ourselves and the people around us. 

A child with a pregnant woman. File photo of a child with a pregnant mother.
(Photo: TODAY)

We wear this mask of invulnerability so tight that it ends up being
self-destructive - choosing not to seek professional help (or assuming that
talking to our female partners is sufficient), or resorting to violence when
things get too bottled up.

We don’t emotionally connect, and we don’t emotionally invest. We rarely unpack
or deescalate. Imagine then, the kinds of role models and modes of masculinity
that exist in this world for the next generation.

MEN MUST PLAY THEIR PART

The cycle must be broken, and that work lies squarely on men. Men are the only
ones who can become better men; women cannot do that work for us. 

It is my job to improve myself, using everything my mother has taught me.

Like what it means to be accountable to the people who rely on you, what it
means to be honest in your communication, what it means to love openly, to be a
better person, a better man, a better role model.




LISTEN: ON WOMEN IN THE WORKPLACE, QUOTAS AND MORE - K SHANMUGAM SPEAKS FRANKLY
ON HEART OF THE MATTER PODCAST



LISTEN: CAN FOREIGN DOMESTIC WORKERS DO EXTRA CHORES? THE DOS, DON'TS AND
DIFFICULT AREAS

I do have hope that the tides are turning. I have had many powerful
conversations with men who recognise the need to work towards a more
gender-equal society. But more of us need to put in the labour.

Undeniably, most men have exhibited some form of misogyny and toxic masculinity
in the past; I know I have. It might be something seemingly small, like making
sexist jokes or an inappropriate comment, or it might be a form of
discrimination that was more overt.

But the aim here is not to strive for some form of ethical purity that doesn’t
exist. Rather, it is to recognise our mistakes, hold ourselves accountable to
said mistakes, and learn to be better moving forward.

So what’s next? What do we do?

Make your voices heard. Call out toxic behaviour. Stop relying solely on women
for emotional work and start developing emotional literacy amongst your male
friends.

And finally, demonstrate your support for this review on women’s issues by
participating however you can. There is value and power in showing up.

And it’s important to show that we, as men, are willing to put in that work to
fight for gender equality so we become better role models for the next
generation of partners, husbands, fathers, sons.

Kristian-Marc James Paul is a member of AWARE.

Source: CNA/cr



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