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cooking


THE BEST NEW FALL TREATS FROM TRADER JOE’S

Like garlic cheese dip and teeny tiny apple pies. 

By Alex Beggs

October 14, 2023
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Collage by Julia Duarte
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Your grocery witch just landed her cinnamon broomstick—the best way to avoid the
Trader Joe’s parking lot hellhole—with totes of fall-flavored this and that. To
everyone’s surprise, there isn’t a lot of new pumpkin stuff, though the repeat
offenders are back (stay away from the Autumnal Harvest Soup). It seems apple is
the flavor of the season this year, including two new bakery items and an apple
cider foaming hand soap my stepmother buys in bulk, which explains why my store
was sold out by early October. And we’ve got huge cracker news too. So what’s a
trick and what’s a treat? Read on for the reviews.


TRICKS




All Butter Sugar Cookie Dough
I had high hopes for this simple-seeming product, but not only was it hard to
unwrap, but something was off in the formula. My cookies were quite hard, a
little sticky, and had an odd acidic note (is that…lemon?). Nothing will live up
to my favorite sugar cookie recipe, these bars from Broma Bakery that are
buttery soft, with a hint of almond extract I think about more than the Roman
Empire.



WATCH



These Crispy Smashed Potatoes Are Perfect






Truffle Ranch
Joe was stretching the definition of ranch with this one, but okay, I’ll bite.
It’s really a $7 truffle-flavored mayo, mostly canola oil with some buttermilk
tang and garlic powder. But what can stand up to the truffleness? Nothing. From
eight feet away, my man Bill grimaced and said, “What’s that smell?” He won’t
touch the stuff. Save your money, and buy the refrigerated ranch instead.



Truffle Glaze
I can’t believe how many truffle products TJ’s continues to churn out. Either
people must buy them, or they’re doing it to spite me. This putrid,
truffle-flavored balsamic glaze feels like a way to mask cheap truffle or cheap
balsamic; I can't tell who’s coming out on top (bottom?) here.





Wicked Good Mini Chocolate Bars
These are familiar fun-size candies you can toss into Halloween baskets for kids
who are so starved for sugar they’ll smash into them indiscriminately until
mommy barges in and takes them all away. I detected a slightly stale note.



Harvest Chocolate Collection
The tiny corn! I took a bite of each cutesy tootsie candy in search of the white
chocolate (in the gourds), and can’t say I went back for any seconds.


TREATS



Garlic and Black Pepper Almonds
If you like salt and pepper crinkle-cut chips, you’ll love these speckly nuts.
The garlic is mellow, and honestly they could use a little salt, but there’s a
thick dusting of pepper. Excellent beer snack. Messy car snack. Don’t bring to
bed snack.




Apple Cinnamon Buns
It’s a danish with apple mush in the middle. Great in the way free break room
baked goods are, even if your work nemesis made them. I needed a strong cup of
black coffee to counter the buns’ intense sweetness, but a sunny outlook might
also do the trick.



Teeny Tiny Apple Pies
If you’re going to buy one new bakery item at TJ’s, let it be these palm-size
pies. The package says popping them in the oven or toaster oven for a warm up is
optional, but it should be necessary, because otherwise the bottom crust is soft
and chewy. Oh, man, the tender apples and buttery crumbles hit all the homemade
pie notes you want but don’t have the energy to bake! A perfect lunch dessert.




Pumpkin Ginger Scones
Trader Joe’s has a lot of small foods I think of as high tea snacks, and these
are in that category (along with my beloved mousse cakes). Put these subtle
pumpkin scones on your tiered tray and invite the local duchess over (hi
Carol!)—she’ll love them. The bits of crystallized ginger are a real treat, and
isn’t that what October is all about?



Fudgy Cookie Dough Ice Cream
Is this ice cream the chocolate chip cookie dough you’ve been waiting for? I
have to tell you: It is. There’s a salted fudgy swirl that slinks into a few
bites—swoon. And I swear the chunks of cookie dough are bigger and more
plentiful than usual. A classic reaching its highest potential. Scoop it up
while you can, but I hope they stock this forever.


SQUASH MOMENTS





Butternut Squash and Caramelized Onion Tart
Too much dough, not enough butter, mushy squash. If you do buy it (don’t), add
chili crisp, chimichurri, or Bomba Sauce to wake it up.



Butternut Squash Lasagna
Absolutely do not microwave this like the box says. If you have the patience and
foresight to bake it for 45 minutes, you get a crispy breadcrumb topping, while
the savory butternut squash filling is comforting and Thanksgiving-esque. I
added red pepper flakes, but a giant turkey might be nice too.


FROZEN MOMENTS



Chicken, Cheese & Green Chile Pupusas
The photo on the package makes it seem like these pupusas have a lot more
filling than they do. There’s some mozz in there, a few specks of chicken, and
chile who? I ate them with leftover roast chicken and peppers to bulk up the
plate. Serve with salsa to bring up the flavor and balance the starchy masa.




Par-Baked Organic French Demi-Baguettes
In my bready opinion, fresh baguettes are better. Support your local bakery,
etc., etc.! When I baked this par-cooked one from frozen, it ended up with a
tougher crust than the fresh one I’d bought at TJ’s a few days earlier.


CHEESE AND CRACKERS



Garlic & Asiago Cheese Dip
Just cheese dip in a plastic tray, proof that happiness isn’t that complicated.
(It’s found in the refrigerated section—you need to bake it until it bubbles,
bubbles, toils, and troubles.) Does the idea of a witches’ brew of sour cream,
cream cheese, various shredded cheeses, and a hint of garlic thrill you? If so,
stock up. I wish Joe sold frozen pretzel bites because they’d be amazing here,
but any potato chip can handle this gooey dip.




Orkney White Mature Cheddar Cheese
The cheeses at Trader Joe’s come and go like subway flirtations—I want a love
that will last, ya know? And this is a great cheese! Sharp and a wee bit grassy,
it pairs excellently with a crisp green apple, and melts nicely if you want to
turn it into a grilled cheese. Will it be around the next time I shop? Hard to
say. But if life were predictable, how would you ever know what you’d look like
with bangs?



Onion Confit Swirls
Love the idea, but it’s hard to do a palmier-style cracker that actually has the
light and flaky texture of the freshly baked thing. So they’re a little dense.
The onion flavor’s so strong I’m not sure what dip won’t clash with it—maybe
just toss them on a charcuterie board and hope for the best.




Organic Seedy Crackers
Mary? That you? My seedy senses are awakened. I can’t tell the difference
between these and Mary’s—the thin, brown rice and quinoa cracker holds its own
against hummus and the price is around $2 less, with the same six ingredients.
Finally.






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