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 * National
    * National
    * Local
    * Toronto
    * Montreal
    * Vancouver
    * North
    * Campus
    * University Reviews
    * Canada Votes 2015
   
   PIERRE POILIEVRE DESCRIBES MORE JOBS
   
   CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
   
   MOST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS IN EACH PROVINCE
   
   WORST JOB IN EVERY PROVINCE
   
   NATION’S CYCLISTS MORTIFIED AFTER LEARNING THAT STOP SIGNS AND RED LIGHTS
   APPLY TO THEM TOO
   
   FUCK! GROUP OF TEENS JUST NOTICED YOU
   
   WHITE KID’S NAME SPELLED NORMALLY
   
   “WHERE AM I? WHAT YEAR IS IT?” ASKS MAN WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM 30 MINUTE NAP
   
   JUST TO BE CAUTIOUS, ONTARIO ANNOUNCES EGLINTON LRT WILL BE OPEN BY THE YEAR
   2236
   
   MAN WHO HATES TORONTO WORRIED OLIVIA CHOW WILL RUIN IT
   
   MAYOR-ELECT OLIVIA CHOW CURRENTLY RIDING BIKE TO GO DO DONUTS ON DOUG FORD’S
   LAWN
   
   QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN TORONTO’S MAYORAL RACE
   
   MONTREAL RIOTERS CONCERNED COVID RULES ARE DESTROYING SMALL BUSINESSES BEFORE
   THEY CAN DESTROY SMALL BUSINESSES
   
   TOPPLING OF STATUE CAUSES TEMPORAL RIFT AS JOHN A. MACDONALD ERASED FROM
   HISTORY
   
   MONTREAL HALTS ROAD CONSTRUCTION UNTIL EVERYONE CAN ENJOY IT AGAIN
   
   HALF OF OSHEAGA TOO HIGH TO REALIZE FESTIVAL ENDED 2 DAYS AGO
   
   REPORT: KILLER WHALES ACTIVELY PREPARING TO BRING DOWN A PLANE
   
   VANCOUVER CONSIDERS BUYING A SECOND SNOWPLOW
   
   VANCOUVER ACTOR MOVES TO L.A. TO IMPROVE ODDS OF GETTING CAST IN SHOWS THAT
   SHOOT IN VANCOUVER
   
   VANCOUVER REMOVES TENTS FROM EASTSIDE UNLESS THEY CAN PROVE THEY’RE A WEED
   SHOP
   
   TIED YUKON ELECTION TO BE DECIDED BY TRADITIONAL CHAINSAW THROW
   
   YUKON EXPOSED TO 2 CASES OF ASSHOLES
   
   YUKON REFUSES TO CHANGE CLOCKS BACK IN SMUG DEFIANCE OF THE WILL OF DEMETER
   
   REST OF CANADA HAPPY TO EXCHANGE NWT ELECTION RESULTS FOR FEDERAL ONE
   
   YORK PROFESSOR ASKS FOR A NOTE FROM A DICTATOR BEFORE AGREEING TO DEFER
   STUDENT’S EXAM
   
   QUEEN’S STUDENTS ARGUE THEIR CAMPUS OUTBREAK WILL BE WAY BETTER THAN
   WESTERN’S
   
   GAMING THE SYSTEM: RECENT 92-YEAR-OLD UNIVERSITY GRAD GETS TO DIE BEFORE SHE
   PAYS OFF HER DEBT
   
   WESTERN UNIVERSITY INVITES DAVID WOODERSON FROM “DAZED AND CONFUSED” TO SPEAK
   AT CONVOCATION
   
   WESTERN UNIVERSITY MANDATE 3 VACCINE SHOTS, 15 JAEGERMEISTER SHOTS
   
   ACADIA UNIVERSITY: THE BEAVERTON UNIVERSITY REVIEWS
   
   DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY: THE BEAVERTON UNIVERSITY REVIEWS
   
   OCAD UNIVERSITY: UNIVERSITY REVIEWS 2014
   
   NDP CLAIM LIBERALS STOLE THEIR IDEA TO FORM MAJORITY GOVERNMENT
   
   SUN NEWSPAPERS STILL REPORTING HARPER MAJORITY
   
   90-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS NEVER VOTED PROUDLY CASTS FIRST BALLOT FOR SOCIAL CREDIT
   PARTY
   
   CONSERVATIVES UNVEIL LAST MINUTE ATTACK AD ACCUSING JUSTIN OF SUPPORTING
   KANSAS CITY

 * World
    * World
    * U.S.
    * Historical Archives
   
   HOW TO PROTEST MASS SLAUGHTER WITHOUT INCONVENIENCING ANYONE
   
   EVERYTHING ISRAEL IS DOING TO MINIMIZE CIVILIAN CASUALTIES IN GAZA
   
   CANADA CALLS FOR 5 MINUTE WATER BREAK IN ISRAEL BOMBING CAMPAIGN
   
   FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR
   CRITICIZING ISRAEL
   
   LAS VEGAS RESIDENTS CONCERNED AS THE SPHERE BEGINS TO OPEN
   
   BIDEN SUGGESTS HAMAS AND ISRAELI GOVERNMENT HASH THINGS OUT OVER A PLATE OF
   RIBS
   
   REPEAT OFFENDER GRANTED BAIL
   
   FIRED EMPLOYEE INDICTED FOR STEALING FROM WORKPLACE
   
   LIVING HISTORY: GRANDMA EXCHANGED LETTERS WITH JOHN DIEFENBAKER WHERE HE
   TALKS ABOUT HIS “DIEF BEEF” 
   
   TOPPLING OF STATUE CAUSES TEMPORAL RIFT AS JOHN A. MACDONALD ERASED FROM
   HISTORY
   
   VILLAGE VIRGIN SICK OF DONATING BLOOD TO EVERY RITUAL SACRIFICE
   
   JULY 24TH, 1967: FRENCH PRESIDENT DE GAULLE CALLS FOR QUEBEC TO SURRENDER,
   AWAIT FOR INTERNATIONAL HELP FOR LIBERATION

 * Sports
    * Sports
   
   “COUNTING GAMES IN HAND WE’RE ONLY THE 2ND WORST TEAM IN THE EAST,” SAYS SENS
   FAN WHO PICKED THEM TO MAKE CONFERENCE FINALS
   
   INSPIRING: THIS MAN ISN’T LOCKED INTO A LONG, EXPENSIVE CONTRACT WITH ROGERS
   
   LEAFS FAKE INJURY TO STAR ROOKIE GOALTENDER TO SAVE 750K ON THE CAP
   
   TORTORELLA CONVENES PRESS CONFERENCE TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE HATES PRESS
   CONFERENCES

 * Business
    * Business
   
   IN EVENT OF CABIN PRESSURE CHANGE, AIR CANADA INSTRUCTS PASSENGERS TO SECURE
   OWN MASK BEFORE 360 ROUNDHOUSE KICKING THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM
   
   MEETING ON GROCERY PRICES STALLS AS CEOS SEND TRUDEAU TO SELF-SERVE
   NEGOTIATOR
   
   TO COMBAT SELF-CHECKOUT THEFT, STORES EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW HUMAN CASHIER
   PILOT PROGRAM
   
   READ OUR LETTER THREATENING TO SUE MARK ZUCKERBERG

 * Culture
    * Culture
    * Lifestyle
    * Health
    * Opinion
    * Parenting
    * Stats
    * Classifieds
   
   NEW CHAPPELLE SPECIAL SEARING HOURLONG TAKEDOWN OF TRANS CASHIER WHO FORGOT
   TO SMILE AT HIM
   
   EDITORIAL: WITHOUT MORE FUNDING, HOW CAN CBC SUPPORT ORIGINAL CANADIAN
   EXECUTIVE BONUSES?
   
   COUPLE THRILLED NEW REMOTE INCLUDES SHORTCUT BUTTONS FOR STREAMING SERVICES
   QUIBI, BINGBONG, AND DANKDOO
   
   AUDIENCE AT SHAKESPEARE PLAY GUESSES SOLILOQUY MEANS “HE’S UPSET ABOUT
   SOMETHING”
   
   BOY REALISES THE MAGIC REALLY WAS IN THAT AMULET AND NOT INSIDE HIM IN THE
   SLIGHTEST
   
   LUXURY PORTA-POTTY INCLUDES CHEMICAL BIDET
   
   HERO DRIVER TAPS LIGHTLY ON BRAKES BEFORE PLOWING INTO CYCLIST
   
   MAN SAVES YEARS OF ACCUMULATED TIME BY REFERRING TO 7-ELEVEN AS “SEV”
   
   MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES
   
   AUNT RUTH REGIFTS YOU COVID INFECTION YOU GAVE HER LAST YEAR
   
   ASSHOLE OVERUSING PERFUME HAS TEMERITY TO BE OFFENDED AT YOU HOLDING YOUR
   NOSE
   
   EXPENSIVE THERAPIST MAKES HIGHER QUALITY “MMMM” SOUNDS
   
   EDITORIAL: WOMEN MUST DATE UNPLEASANT MEN, AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
   BECAUSE WE’RE UNPLEASANT MEN
   
   YOU FUCKING LEAFS FANS STILL THINK I’M THE WORST DEFENCEMAN YOU’VE EVER SEEN?
   
   IS BUFFY STE MARIE ACTUALLY INDIGENOUS? SIX EXTREMELY WHITE PEOPLE WEIGH IN
   
   EDITORIAL: WHY I’M NOT LETTING MY KIDS USE SOCIAL MEDIA EXCEPT THE YOUTUBE
   CHANNEL THEY STAR IN THAT PAYS OUR MORTGAGE
   
   CHILD ABUSE? THIS BABY IS WEARING JEANS
   
   TODDLER GUZZLING BATHWATER LIKE NERO AT BACCHANAL IN WANING DAYS OF ROMAN
   EMPIRE
   
   5 TIPS FOR BETTING ON NHL PRESEASON GAMES WHILE YOUR WHINY CHILDREN BEG YOU
   FOR ATTENTION
   
   EDITORIAL: WHY I’M NOT LETTING MY KIDS USE SOCIAL MEDIA EXCEPT THE YOUTUBE
   CHANNEL THEY STAR IN THAT PAYS OUR MORTGAGE
   
   93% OF CANADIANS WILL NEVER PAY OFF THEIR BLOOD DEBTS
   
   86% OF AUGUST E-MAIL TRAFFIC JUST DUELLING OUT-OF-OFFICE MESSAGES
   
   2014 CANADIAN FEDERAL BUDGET PREVIEW
   
   MOST FREQUENT LIES FOUND ON ONLINE DATING PROFILES
   
   MISSED CONNECTIONS: YOU WERE THE PUBLIC URINATOR ON MAIN AND 5TH
   
   LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
   
   ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
   
   UNIVERSITY STUDENT SEEKING MANNEQUIN TO COME ALIVE AND BE MY GIRLFRIEND.

 * BeavFeed
    * Beavfeed
    * Choice Your Own Adventure
    * Quiz
    * Slideshow
    * Guide To/How To
   
   FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR
   CRITICIZING ISRAEL
   
   DEVASTATING: WOMAN FORGETS “R” IN EMAIL TO PEDRO
   
   MOST POPULAR TV SHOW IN EACH PROVINCE
   
   JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND 10 OTHER MARXISTS YOU SHOULD KNOW
   
   YOU’RE JASON KENNEY. CAN YOU FIND AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF GOING TO CALGARY
   PRIDE?
   
   YOU JUST LIT OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS BEFORE REALIZING YOU WERE IN THE ART
   GALLERY OF ONTARIO. CAN YOU SAVE THE PRICELESS PIECES OF ART?
   
   YOU MAGICALLY TURNED INTO A BUG! CAN YOU LIVE A HAPPY AND FULFILLING LIFE?
   
   YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO PUNCH A NAZI. DO YOU TAKE IT?
   
   QUIZ: SHOULD YOU WATCH BARBIE, OPPENHEIMER OR 2008 CANADIAN WWI DRAMA
   PASSCHENDAELE
   
   QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN TORONTO’S MAYORAL RACE
   
   QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN THE ALBERTA PROVINCIAL ELECTION
   
   QUIZ: IS IT A PYRAMID SCHEME OR JUST A REGULAR CULT?
   
   FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR
   CRITICIZING ISRAEL
   
   CONSERVATIVES EXPLAIN WHY PIERRE POILIEVRE ATTACKING ‘GLOBALIST ELITES’ ISN’T
   ANTISEMITIC
   
   LIBERALS EXPLAIN WHY THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE HOUSING CRISIS
   
   CANADIANS REACT TO PIERRE POILIEVRE’S “SEXY” MAKEOVER
   
   HOW TO GO VEGAN…NEXT WEEK
   
   GUIDE TO: EDMONTON
   
   GUIDE TO: ST.JOHN’S
   
   HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

 * Merch
 * Support
 * The Book
 * Workshops

Dumb Week, Health


MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES

Dumb Week, Science and Technology


STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S
INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC

Books


MAN INTENT ON READING 50 BOOKS THIS YEAR REALLY PLOUGHING THROUGH THE GOOSEBUMPS

Dumb Week


LOCAL CAT DISCOVERS HE’S ADOPTED

National


CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

Photos


OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND

Dumb Week, Health


MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES

Dumb Week, Science and Technology


STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S
INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC

Books


MAN INTENT ON READING 50 BOOKS THIS YEAR REALLY PLOUGHING THROUGH THE GOOSEBUMPS

Dumb Week


LOCAL CAT DISCOVERS HE’S ADOPTED

National


CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

Photos


OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND

Dumb Week, Health


MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES

Dumb Week, Science and Technology


STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S
INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC




Entertainment, LGBTQIA2S+
- 13 hours ago


NEW CHAPPELLE SPECIAL SEARING HOURLONG TAKEDOWN OF TRANS CASHIER WHO FORGOT TO
SMILE AT HIM

HOLLYWOOD – Fresh off the release of his controversial Netflix stand-up special
The Dreamer, legendary comedian Dave Chappelle has dropped another hourlong
special entirely devoted to a lon…


Share

National
- 15 hours ago


PIERRE POILIEVRE DESCRIBES MORE JOBS

After Pierre Poilievre described an electrician as someone who “captures
lightning from the sky and runs it through a copper wire to illuminate this room
and light up the world” we sa…


Share
Culture
- 3 days ago


EDITORIAL: WITHOUT MORE FUNDING, HOW CAN CBC SUPPORT ORIGINAL CANADIAN EXECUTIVE
BONUSES?

By CBC President Catherine Tait As the CBC is faced with yet another round of
unfair budget cuts resulting in the unavoidable layoffs of more than 600
employees, it is clear what is at risk: CBC …


Share

Relationship
- 4 days ago


TINDER GUY CONCERNED AFTER PHOTO OF WOMAN REVEALS SHE HAS PHYSICAL BODY

Tinder, iPhone – Local Tinder user Mack Smith has reconsidered messaging a woman
on Tinder after seeing concerning photos hinting that she might occupy physical
space. “I saw the name ‘Vero…


Share
National
- 5 days ago


CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

We asked the biggest names in Canadian politics what they hope to accomplish in
the new year. Here is what they had to say:…


Share

Dumb Week
- 5 days ago


OUR RANKINGS OF THIS YEAR’S BEST AND WORST GRANDMAS

With the year almost at an end, join as we rate the best and worst grams,
grammys, gam-gams, and gamilgans on display over the past 12 months:  1)    
BEST – Gramma Bess What an absolute ch…


Share
Photos
- 6 days ago


OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND

News in Photos (kinda). Happy New Year!…


Share

Dumb Week
- 1 week ago


BREAKOUT STAR OF REALITY SHOW BASED AT “THE NANNY” ACTION-FIGURE FACTORY SAYS
“I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRANS”

NEW YORK CITY – Fans of the new series Nanny Knickknacks, which focuses on the
high-pressure drama at Brooklyn’s premier factory for manufacturing action
figures based on the hit sitcom The…


Share
Dumb Week, Health
- 1 week ago


MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES

VICTORIA – Management consultant Howard Bear is using up the remainder of his
yearly workplace medical benefits at his local vasectomy clinic, according to
local sources. “I don’t really enjoy ac…


Share

Dumb Week
- 1 week ago


WOMAN NEGLECTS TO SAY “BE CAREFUL,” RESULTING IN BOYFRIEND BUMBLING INTO ACTIVE
VOLCANO

BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd
Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the
mouth of an erupting volcano.  “Oh, god,…


Share


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EDITORIAL: WOMEN MUST DATE UNPLEASANT MEN, AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
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4:05 pm 02 Dec 2023


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EDITORIAL: I PROTESTED AT TRUDEAU’S BELLEVILLE VISIT AND PERSONALLY SAW HIM EAT
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EDITORIAL: WITH NEWS BLOCKED ON FACEBOOK, WE THE BEAVERTON ARE NOW THE SOLE
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