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CMF × * National * National * Local * Toronto * Montreal * Vancouver * North * Campus * University Reviews * Canada Votes 2015 * World * World * U.S. * Historical Archives * Sports * Sports * Business * Business * Culture * Culture * Lifestyle * Health * Opinion * Parenting * Stats * Classifieds * BeavFeed * Beavfeed * Choice Your Own Adventure * Quiz * Slideshow * Guide To/How To * Merch * Support * The Book * Workshops * National * National * Local * Toronto * Montreal * Vancouver * North * Campus * University Reviews * Canada Votes 2015 PIERRE POILIEVRE DESCRIBES MORE JOBS CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS MOST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS IN EACH PROVINCE WORST JOB IN EVERY PROVINCE NATION’S CYCLISTS MORTIFIED AFTER LEARNING THAT STOP SIGNS AND RED LIGHTS APPLY TO THEM TOO FUCK! GROUP OF TEENS JUST NOTICED YOU WHITE KID’S NAME SPELLED NORMALLY “WHERE AM I? WHAT YEAR IS IT?” ASKS MAN WHO JUST WOKE UP FROM 30 MINUTE NAP JUST TO BE CAUTIOUS, ONTARIO ANNOUNCES EGLINTON LRT WILL BE OPEN BY THE YEAR 2236 MAN WHO HATES TORONTO WORRIED OLIVIA CHOW WILL RUIN IT MAYOR-ELECT OLIVIA CHOW CURRENTLY RIDING BIKE TO GO DO DONUTS ON DOUG FORD’S LAWN QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN TORONTO’S MAYORAL RACE MONTREAL RIOTERS CONCERNED COVID RULES ARE DESTROYING SMALL BUSINESSES BEFORE THEY CAN DESTROY SMALL BUSINESSES TOPPLING OF STATUE CAUSES TEMPORAL RIFT AS JOHN A. MACDONALD ERASED FROM HISTORY MONTREAL HALTS ROAD CONSTRUCTION UNTIL EVERYONE CAN ENJOY IT AGAIN HALF OF OSHEAGA TOO HIGH TO REALIZE FESTIVAL ENDED 2 DAYS AGO REPORT: KILLER WHALES ACTIVELY PREPARING TO BRING DOWN A PLANE VANCOUVER CONSIDERS BUYING A SECOND SNOWPLOW VANCOUVER ACTOR MOVES TO L.A. TO IMPROVE ODDS OF GETTING CAST IN SHOWS THAT SHOOT IN VANCOUVER VANCOUVER REMOVES TENTS FROM EASTSIDE UNLESS THEY CAN PROVE THEY’RE A WEED SHOP TIED YUKON ELECTION TO BE DECIDED BY TRADITIONAL CHAINSAW THROW YUKON EXPOSED TO 2 CASES OF ASSHOLES YUKON REFUSES TO CHANGE CLOCKS BACK IN SMUG DEFIANCE OF THE WILL OF DEMETER REST OF CANADA HAPPY TO EXCHANGE NWT ELECTION RESULTS FOR FEDERAL ONE YORK PROFESSOR ASKS FOR A NOTE FROM A DICTATOR BEFORE AGREEING TO DEFER STUDENT’S EXAM QUEEN’S STUDENTS ARGUE THEIR CAMPUS OUTBREAK WILL BE WAY BETTER THAN WESTERN’S GAMING THE SYSTEM: RECENT 92-YEAR-OLD UNIVERSITY GRAD GETS TO DIE BEFORE SHE PAYS OFF HER DEBT WESTERN UNIVERSITY INVITES DAVID WOODERSON FROM “DAZED AND CONFUSED” TO SPEAK AT CONVOCATION WESTERN UNIVERSITY MANDATE 3 VACCINE SHOTS, 15 JAEGERMEISTER SHOTS ACADIA UNIVERSITY: THE BEAVERTON UNIVERSITY REVIEWS DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY: THE BEAVERTON UNIVERSITY REVIEWS OCAD UNIVERSITY: UNIVERSITY REVIEWS 2014 NDP CLAIM LIBERALS STOLE THEIR IDEA TO FORM MAJORITY GOVERNMENT SUN NEWSPAPERS STILL REPORTING HARPER MAJORITY 90-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS NEVER VOTED PROUDLY CASTS FIRST BALLOT FOR SOCIAL CREDIT PARTY CONSERVATIVES UNVEIL LAST MINUTE ATTACK AD ACCUSING JUSTIN OF SUPPORTING KANSAS CITY * World * World * U.S. * Historical Archives HOW TO PROTEST MASS SLAUGHTER WITHOUT INCONVENIENCING ANYONE EVERYTHING ISRAEL IS DOING TO MINIMIZE CIVILIAN CASUALTIES IN GAZA CANADA CALLS FOR 5 MINUTE WATER BREAK IN ISRAEL BOMBING CAMPAIGN FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR CRITICIZING ISRAEL LAS VEGAS RESIDENTS CONCERNED AS THE SPHERE BEGINS TO OPEN BIDEN SUGGESTS HAMAS AND ISRAELI GOVERNMENT HASH THINGS OUT OVER A PLATE OF RIBS REPEAT OFFENDER GRANTED BAIL FIRED EMPLOYEE INDICTED FOR STEALING FROM WORKPLACE LIVING HISTORY: GRANDMA EXCHANGED LETTERS WITH JOHN DIEFENBAKER WHERE HE TALKS ABOUT HIS “DIEF BEEF” TOPPLING OF STATUE CAUSES TEMPORAL RIFT AS JOHN A. MACDONALD ERASED FROM HISTORY VILLAGE VIRGIN SICK OF DONATING BLOOD TO EVERY RITUAL SACRIFICE JULY 24TH, 1967: FRENCH PRESIDENT DE GAULLE CALLS FOR QUEBEC TO SURRENDER, AWAIT FOR INTERNATIONAL HELP FOR LIBERATION * Sports * Sports “COUNTING GAMES IN HAND WE’RE ONLY THE 2ND WORST TEAM IN THE EAST,” SAYS SENS FAN WHO PICKED THEM TO MAKE CONFERENCE FINALS INSPIRING: THIS MAN ISN’T LOCKED INTO A LONG, EXPENSIVE CONTRACT WITH ROGERS LEAFS FAKE INJURY TO STAR ROOKIE GOALTENDER TO SAVE 750K ON THE CAP TORTORELLA CONVENES PRESS CONFERENCE TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE HATES PRESS CONFERENCES * Business * Business IN EVENT OF CABIN PRESSURE CHANGE, AIR CANADA INSTRUCTS PASSENGERS TO SECURE OWN MASK BEFORE 360 ROUNDHOUSE KICKING THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM MEETING ON GROCERY PRICES STALLS AS CEOS SEND TRUDEAU TO SELF-SERVE NEGOTIATOR TO COMBAT SELF-CHECKOUT THEFT, STORES EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW HUMAN CASHIER PILOT PROGRAM READ OUR LETTER THREATENING TO SUE MARK ZUCKERBERG * Culture * Culture * Lifestyle * Health * Opinion * Parenting * Stats * Classifieds NEW CHAPPELLE SPECIAL SEARING HOURLONG TAKEDOWN OF TRANS CASHIER WHO FORGOT TO SMILE AT HIM EDITORIAL: WITHOUT MORE FUNDING, HOW CAN CBC SUPPORT ORIGINAL CANADIAN EXECUTIVE BONUSES? COUPLE THRILLED NEW REMOTE INCLUDES SHORTCUT BUTTONS FOR STREAMING SERVICES QUIBI, BINGBONG, AND DANKDOO AUDIENCE AT SHAKESPEARE PLAY GUESSES SOLILOQUY MEANS “HE’S UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING” BOY REALISES THE MAGIC REALLY WAS IN THAT AMULET AND NOT INSIDE HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST LUXURY PORTA-POTTY INCLUDES CHEMICAL BIDET HERO DRIVER TAPS LIGHTLY ON BRAKES BEFORE PLOWING INTO CYCLIST MAN SAVES YEARS OF ACCUMULATED TIME BY REFERRING TO 7-ELEVEN AS “SEV” MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES AUNT RUTH REGIFTS YOU COVID INFECTION YOU GAVE HER LAST YEAR ASSHOLE OVERUSING PERFUME HAS TEMERITY TO BE OFFENDED AT YOU HOLDING YOUR NOSE EXPENSIVE THERAPIST MAKES HIGHER QUALITY “MMMM” SOUNDS EDITORIAL: WOMEN MUST DATE UNPLEASANT MEN, AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE’RE UNPLEASANT MEN YOU FUCKING LEAFS FANS STILL THINK I’M THE WORST DEFENCEMAN YOU’VE EVER SEEN? IS BUFFY STE MARIE ACTUALLY INDIGENOUS? SIX EXTREMELY WHITE PEOPLE WEIGH IN EDITORIAL: WHY I’M NOT LETTING MY KIDS USE SOCIAL MEDIA EXCEPT THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL THEY STAR IN THAT PAYS OUR MORTGAGE CHILD ABUSE? THIS BABY IS WEARING JEANS TODDLER GUZZLING BATHWATER LIKE NERO AT BACCHANAL IN WANING DAYS OF ROMAN EMPIRE 5 TIPS FOR BETTING ON NHL PRESEASON GAMES WHILE YOUR WHINY CHILDREN BEG YOU FOR ATTENTION EDITORIAL: WHY I’M NOT LETTING MY KIDS USE SOCIAL MEDIA EXCEPT THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL THEY STAR IN THAT PAYS OUR MORTGAGE 93% OF CANADIANS WILL NEVER PAY OFF THEIR BLOOD DEBTS 86% OF AUGUST E-MAIL TRAFFIC JUST DUELLING OUT-OF-OFFICE MESSAGES 2014 CANADIAN FEDERAL BUDGET PREVIEW MOST FREQUENT LIES FOUND ON ONLINE DATING PROFILES MISSED CONNECTIONS: YOU WERE THE PUBLIC URINATOR ON MAIN AND 5TH LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS. ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$. UNIVERSITY STUDENT SEEKING MANNEQUIN TO COME ALIVE AND BE MY GIRLFRIEND. * BeavFeed * Beavfeed * Choice Your Own Adventure * Quiz * Slideshow * Guide To/How To FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR CRITICIZING ISRAEL DEVASTATING: WOMAN FORGETS “R” IN EMAIL TO PEDRO MOST POPULAR TV SHOW IN EACH PROVINCE JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND 10 OTHER MARXISTS YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU’RE JASON KENNEY. CAN YOU FIND AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF GOING TO CALGARY PRIDE? YOU JUST LIT OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS BEFORE REALIZING YOU WERE IN THE ART GALLERY OF ONTARIO. CAN YOU SAVE THE PRICELESS PIECES OF ART? YOU MAGICALLY TURNED INTO A BUG! CAN YOU LIVE A HAPPY AND FULFILLING LIFE? YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO PUNCH A NAZI. DO YOU TAKE IT? QUIZ: SHOULD YOU WATCH BARBIE, OPPENHEIMER OR 2008 CANADIAN WWI DRAMA PASSCHENDAELE QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN TORONTO’S MAYORAL RACE QUIZ: WHO SHOULD YOU VOTE FOR IN THE ALBERTA PROVINCIAL ELECTION QUIZ: IS IT A PYRAMID SCHEME OR JUST A REGULAR CULT? FREE SPEECH CHAMPIONS EXPLAIN WHY IT’S OK THAT PEOPLE ARE BEING CANCELLED FOR CRITICIZING ISRAEL CONSERVATIVES EXPLAIN WHY PIERRE POILIEVRE ATTACKING ‘GLOBALIST ELITES’ ISN’T ANTISEMITIC LIBERALS EXPLAIN WHY THEY CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE HOUSING CRISIS CANADIANS REACT TO PIERRE POILIEVRE’S “SEXY” MAKEOVER HOW TO GO VEGAN…NEXT WEEK GUIDE TO: EDMONTON GUIDE TO: ST.JOHN’S HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT * Merch * Support * The Book * Workshops Dumb Week, Health MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES Dumb Week, Science and Technology STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC Books MAN INTENT ON READING 50 BOOKS THIS YEAR REALLY PLOUGHING THROUGH THE GOOSEBUMPS Dumb Week LOCAL CAT DISCOVERS HE’S ADOPTED National CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS Photos OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND Dumb Week, Health MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES Dumb Week, Science and Technology STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC Books MAN INTENT ON READING 50 BOOKS THIS YEAR REALLY PLOUGHING THROUGH THE GOOSEBUMPS Dumb Week LOCAL CAT DISCOVERS HE’S ADOPTED National CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS Photos OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND Dumb Week, Health MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES Dumb Week, Science and Technology STUDY SHOWS HUMANS SWALLOW AVERAGE OF 47,980 SPIDERS A YEAR EACH DUE TO SAMPLE’S INCLUSION OF STANLEY, THE AMAZING SPIDER-EATING MANIAC Entertainment, LGBTQIA2S+ - 13 hours ago NEW CHAPPELLE SPECIAL SEARING HOURLONG TAKEDOWN OF TRANS CASHIER WHO FORGOT TO SMILE AT HIM HOLLYWOOD – Fresh off the release of his controversial Netflix stand-up special The Dreamer, legendary comedian Dave Chappelle has dropped another hourlong special entirely devoted to a lon… Share National - 15 hours ago PIERRE POILIEVRE DESCRIBES MORE JOBS After Pierre Poilievre described an electrician as someone who “captures lightning from the sky and runs it through a copper wire to illuminate this room and light up the world” we sa… Share Culture - 3 days ago EDITORIAL: WITHOUT MORE FUNDING, HOW CAN CBC SUPPORT ORIGINAL CANADIAN EXECUTIVE BONUSES? By CBC President Catherine Tait As the CBC is faced with yet another round of unfair budget cuts resulting in the unavoidable layoffs of more than 600 employees, it is clear what is at risk: CBC … Share Relationship - 4 days ago TINDER GUY CONCERNED AFTER PHOTO OF WOMAN REVEALS SHE HAS PHYSICAL BODY Tinder, iPhone – Local Tinder user Mack Smith has reconsidered messaging a woman on Tinder after seeing concerning photos hinting that she might occupy physical space. “I saw the name ‘Vero… Share National - 5 days ago CANADIAN POLITICIANS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS We asked the biggest names in Canadian politics what they hope to accomplish in the new year. Here is what they had to say:… Share Dumb Week - 5 days ago OUR RANKINGS OF THIS YEAR’S BEST AND WORST GRANDMAS With the year almost at an end, join as we rate the best and worst grams, grammys, gam-gams, and gamilgans on display over the past 12 months: 1) BEST – Gramma Bess What an absolute ch… Share Photos - 6 days ago OLD ACQUAINTANCE ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT, NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND News in Photos (kinda). Happy New Year!… Share Dumb Week - 1 week ago BREAKOUT STAR OF REALITY SHOW BASED AT “THE NANNY” ACTION-FIGURE FACTORY SAYS “I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRANS” NEW YORK CITY – Fans of the new series Nanny Knickknacks, which focuses on the high-pressure drama at Brooklyn’s premier factory for manufacturing action figures based on the hit sitcom The… Share Dumb Week, Health - 1 week ago MAN USES REMAINDER OF YEAR’S HEALTH BENEFITS ON HALF-A-DOZEN VASECTOMIES VICTORIA – Management consultant Howard Bear is using up the remainder of his yearly workplace medical benefits at his local vasectomy clinic, according to local sources. “I don’t really enjoy ac… Share Dumb Week - 1 week ago WOMAN NEGLECTS TO SAY “BE CAREFUL,” RESULTING IN BOYFRIEND BUMBLING INTO ACTIVE VOLCANO BRANDON, MB — Local girlfriend Teresa Waldner failed to remind boyfriend Todd Derksen to be careful yesterday, resulting in his bumbling straight into the mouth of an erupting volcano. “Oh, god,… Share POSTS NAVIGATION 1 2 3 … 948 → Subscribe to Our Newsletter Leave this field empty if you're human: Read More New Chappelle special searing hourlong takedown of trans cashier who forgot to smile at him Most Popular * Canadian holiday tradition of angrily berating teenagers continues * Pierre Poilievre describes more jobs * Canadian Politicians New Year’s Resolutions * Most popular Porn searches by Province MERCH "Local Man Wears Funny T-Shirt" T-Shirt "This Is My Winter Coat" Hoodie "I Thought The Beaverton Was Satire" T-Shirt "House Hippo Dad" T-Shirt Editorial EDITORIAL: WOMEN MUST DATE UNPLEASANT MEN, AND WE’RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE WE’RE UNPLEASANT MEN 4:05 pm 02 Dec 2023 YOU FUCKING LEAFS FANS STILL THINK I’M THE WORST DEFENCEMAN YOU’VE EVER SEEN? 12:47 pm 06 Nov 2023 EDITORIAL: WHY I’M NOT LETTING MY KIDS USE SOCIAL MEDIA EXCEPT THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL THEY STAR IN THAT PAYS OUR MORTGAGE 9:56 am 25 Sep 2023 EDITORIAL: I PROTESTED AT TRUDEAU’S BELLEVILLE VISIT AND PERSONALLY SAW HIM EAT SIX BABIES 11:29 am 22 Jul 2023 EDITORIAL: WITH NEWS BLOCKED ON FACEBOOK, WE THE BEAVERTON ARE NOW THE SOLE ARBITERS OF TRUTH 12:17 pm 24 Jun 2023 "North America's Trusted Source of News" LEGAL * Contest * Disclaimer * Website Terms and Conditions * Cookies Policy * Privacy Policy ABOUT * About the Show * Masthead * Content Submission Guidelines Waiver Copyright 2010 - 2024 The Beaverton. 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