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SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS WHEN YOU TURN 30, SAYS SCIENCE





Impact
ByMelissa Hugel
Jan. 22, 2015

Our relationships get better — because we get better.

Thirty is an age that causes consternation for many a 20-something. Life gets
super serious at age 30, the narrative goes, with career changes, 401(k)s and
the inability to party past midnight, not to mention the burning matter of
"settling down."



But in reality, your 30s aren't something to fear. They're when things start to
get really good, especially when comes to relationships. 

The reason is rooted in science. The cerebellum, directly connected to how we
think, "has not finished growing well into the early 20s," says neuroscientist
Jay Giedd. Even into our 30s our brains are changing, "pruning away unused
connections and strengthening those that remain."

As our brains sharpen, our personalities settle. Research has shown that between
the ages of 18 and 30, people become more neurotic, introverted and possibly
less open to new experiences (but also more agreeable and conscientious). Those
shifts, combined with the life-changing experiences the 20s bring — college,
first love, first jobs, traveling — shape our identities, making us much more
comfortable with who we are. 

"Around age 30, a sense of acceptance begins to settle in," Ann Friedman wrote.
And that acceptance of self makes us much better partners. 

Below, six young adults (single, married and everything in between) discuss how
their relationships changed for the better as they turned the corner on 30.
There's more to look forward to than we thought.


YOU DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BE WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE SOCIETY SAYS YOU SHOULD.

Fiona, a single 30-something, was in one serious relationships from ages 18 to
21, then another one from 21 through 28. Now a self-proclaimed "casual dater,"
she has been able to let go of what others think.

"In my 20s, I was more keen to settle down and move things to the next stages,
as society tells us to.  I would say I depended more on the other person than I
would now, probably due to immaturity and lack of confidence. I would dedicate
more time to the other person, and not enough time to myself or with friends.
For a long time my relationship was the most important thing to me, making me a
bit blindsided and, in turn, making the breakup significantly harder to deal
with.

"These days, I have just become a little more selfish and less willing to
compromise. I would now never jeopardize my friendships for the sake of spending
more time with a guy. My priorities are different now, and I would be far less
likely to rush something, spend every waking hour with a man or choose him over
other plans."


GETTY




YOU'RE LESS INSECURE, WHICH MEANS YOU CAN BE MORE GENEROUS WITH OTHERS.

Alastair, single and in his 30s, felt a turning point after his first love in
his mid-20s.

"My early 20s I don't think I was as respectful to women as I am now. This was
due to a lack of understanding and quite simply I was still growing as an
individual. I was too busy with my own insecurities to really be able to
comprehend the thoughts and feelings of others at times.  

"Starting in my mid-20s, however, I tried to be myself a lot more. I wasn't so
tied up with what people thought, which I think everyone goes through, and I was
more respectful. Now I like a partner to have opinions, be passionate, know what
they want but to be understanding. I think I have these qualities, so knowing
when to give and take is immensely important."


YOU NO LONGER FEEL THE NEED TO REBEL FOR THE HELL OF IT.

Babs, who's in her 30s, has been with one boyfriend since age 22 but had various
affairs along the way. Now, still with her boyfriend, she's matured into
her long-term relationship.

"Back in my 20s, I'd describe myself as a polygamist who felt the need to appear
to be a monogamist. I was experimenting to see what was out there. [My
relationship] now is a lot more grown-up. At the start, we were very much in
love but incredibly immature. We've both changed a lot, but the relationship has
grown with us. At times we do get a bit fed up of each other, but this is always
short-lived.

"In some ways, I'm still a free spirit. I'm not a fan of marriage or kids, but
I'm very happy at the thought of spending my life with someone. I'm a much
better girlfriend now [that] I'm 'behaving.' But that's not just because my
boyfriend is awesome, it's because I don't need to."


Getty




YOU STRESS LESS ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS, INCLUDING RELATIONSHIP DRAMA.

Kaite, in her 30s and married, went through a rocky decade with her now-wife,
managing to grow together despite life challenges and a brief split at age 26.

"[My current wife and I] actually met when we were 20 and had a tempestuous but
wonderful four-month relationship.

"Our 20s [held] a lot of boundary-setting and trying to work out who we were and
what we wanted. It was probably a bit of fighting for dominance, we're both very
type A. It's definitely changed. I'm a lot less stressed about things now. [Our
relationship now is] calm, steady, supportive and an awful lot of fun!"


YOU FINALLY FEEL FREE TO BE YOURSELF AND ACCEPT OTHERS FOR WHO THEY ARE.

Dean, in his 30s and in a long-term relationship since his 20s, was happiest
once he let go of what he thought a partner was supposed to be.

"I always imagined meeting someone with the same interests as me, but in fact my
girlfriend and I have very different interests. However, as we are both so
passionate about the things we love, we are respectful of each other's interests
and know how important they are to each of us.

"I feel in my relationship now, there is just more honesty. It's not all about
being polite and keeping up appearances, trying to seem cooler than you really
are. I think you can just be yourself more. I think that is something that just
generally happens as you get older. Things that used to seem important, having
the best clothes or being the most popular, just don't matter that much any
more. You are with someone who obviously cares about you enough to put up with
your bad dress sense or lame jokes, so what does it matter?"


Getty



YOU'RE MORE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU ARE, WHICH MAKES YOU MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT THE
PERSON YOU'RE WITH.

Ali, in her 30s, first married at 21 then divorced at 27, describing the
relationship as "a pretty controlling one." She's now remarried, having shifted
her view on what she wants and needs out of a relationship.

"I wasn't settled in myself in any way when I was younger, and I took that out
on others. I also kicked against the expectations of the constraint I found
myself in — I didn't want to just be a wife, or even really to be a wife. The
more it was used to define me, the more I rallied against that.

"I married again this summer, and it's a meeting of equals. It feels completely
liberating too, which I hadn't thought marriage could. I think a lot of that is
to do with the person I've become in my 30s. I don't care the same about what
people think, don't have this idea of who I should be versus who I am, and I
think that has a positive effect on relationships. I know it's not limited only
to me; my husband feels the same. 

"There's a nice sense at this age of knowing yourself better, and where you fit
in the world you've begun to create."

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