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CREAMPUFF REVOLUTION


FAT. NAKED. DANGEROUS.

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DECEMBER 09, 2020


CREAMPUFF'S 2020 CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

I'm not going to lie to you, folks - it was a challenge to get it up to get my
village up for 2020.

Our sassy little wrinkle dog dying of a sudden illness in October and then a
beloved member of my extended family passing away just this weekend were truly
the thick layer of grief fondant on the layer cake of ass that was this year.
But my village brings me joy and Katr cleared the bookshelves off for me and
gave me a cool new background, so I put my urban planning hat on (it's a cloche)
and got my shit together.

I kept the village small this year, gang - only one location. And it's mainly
Department 56 Harry Potter village items. There's a theme this year and it's
pretty subtle, so I hope you're able to pick up on it.



Gringott's Bank offers the two things we're all looking for in a bank - it
protects your Galleons and believes in your basic human rights. We all roll our
eyes a little when they have a float in the Pride Parade (fucking corporate
rainbow washing) but still. 



"I. EAT. TERFS!!!!!"



Here we have Albus and Severus explaining how She Who Must Not Be Named just
kept doubling down on her bullshit transphobic "logic" this year, just over and
over, just digging herself deeper and deeper into a TERF-y hole and how she used
her huge platform to say things that materially endangered the well being of
trans people, and also about the plot of her latest book. Minerva, who is not on
Twitter, is FUCKING APPALLED. Look at her WTF face. Masterful work by Department
56 here.



Lydia the Tea Monger serves the best tea in town. Be prepared for her to talk to
you about her deep crush on Elliot Page. Mr. and Mrs. Barnes have been standing
there for well nigh an hour.



Whether you're willow with a heart of unicorn hair or elm with a core of dragon
heartstring, Ollivander's is a safe place to shop for the new wand you'll need
after a year of cursing out You Know Who. 



Borgin and Burkes may be engage in unethical business practices, but they're not
dipshits.



They welcome magical folk of all genders to peruse their cursed necklaces and
weird collection of human bones.



Over at the Three Broomsticks, the Butterbeer is hot, the Fire Whiskey is cold
and Madam Rosmerta has NO TIME FOR TRANSPHOBIC BULLSHIT.



Here, Ron mansplains the nuances of gender identity - badly - to an endlessly
patient Hermione. Harry just nods - because Harry know what's up.



Breckinridge serves the best roasted chestnuts in town. Be prepared for them to
talk to you about their deep crush on Elliot Page. Mrs. Turner and little Nan
have been standing there for well nigh an hour.



Lily Brothers saw this coming.  And Jimmy at the newsstand wasn't sure he was
going to put his flag up until his customer Mr. Collins stopped by one morning
and tried to engage Jimmy in a conversation about "cancel culture". Jimmy got
his flag from Madam Rosmerta, she had extra.



To be honest, Mrs. Crachit's not super sure what's going on around here this
year. She's worried Buckbeak might try to eat her birds. Bob's late getting home
from work again. But she made sure to hang this flag on her house because she
has a lot of kids. And if one of them wants to tell her something...she wants
them to know they can.



And that's it! I know that this holiday season will be rough for some of us and
that most of us are missing seeing our families this year. I am sending you all
lots of love. And I wish you all a cozy holiday season full of magic, snacks and
great books by authors who don't endanger the lives of queer, non-binary and
trans people with hateful rhetoric. Fuck TERFs!!



 

Posted at 03:34 PM in Dickens Village | Permalink | Comments (3)

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DECEMBER 02, 2019


CREAMPUFF THINKS YOU DO-GOODERS SHOULD APPLY FOR THIS FREE YARN

I LOVE to knit but I am so sloooow at it that, when I do finish a project a year
after starting it, I generally have a recipient in mind and they'd better be
grateful or Katr will add them to her shitlist of people I'm not longer allowed
to knit for.

But I know that there are many of you knitters out there who are both fast AND
community-minded and you like to donate your time and yarn to a cause. And for
you, there's an opportunity to snag (haha) some free yarn for your next charity
project!


The good people at Yarn Canada (whom, you may recall, sent me some lovely Bernat
yarn to review last year and I knit a giant snuggly baby blanket) are offering a
chance to win some FREE YARN to you awesome knitters who knit for charitable
causes.

If you like to knit hats for preemies in the NICU or scarves for folks who've
found themselves homeless or if you're part of a knitting cabal who knit or
crochet items to benefit others, this is for you!

I don't know if knitting sweaters for penguins counts but it's worth a shot.

Want to get your do-gooding mitts on some free yarn? Fill out the application by
December 31, 2019.

As for me, I recently finished the ONE THING I knit this year but it's a holiday
gift, so photos at this time. I know, it's disappointing, but you'll live. And
maybe by the time I post those photos, I'll have finished a WHOLE OTHER THING!
Shut up, it could happen!

 

Posted at 10:36 AM in Knitty | Permalink | Comments (0)

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NOVEMBER 30, 2019


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KATR!

I wrote half of this post last year, on Kate's 50th birthday. It was an epic
birthday, we had a big partay and I NEVER FINISHED IT.

In it, though, I was going to make her birthday about me by bragging about a
couple of things I did to surprise her, so I'm finishing it now!

Happy birthday again, Katr!

As she mentioned in her groundbreaking guest post two weeks ago, Katr turns 50
today!!!

(again, this was last year, she's 51 this year, which is still cool)

One of the hardest things in the world to do is surprise Katr. There are a few
reasons for this:

1. While Katr enjoys little surprises, she is not into BIG surprises. Like, for
example, if you told her to expect a quiet evening at home and then threw her a
surprise party, she would still love you and appreciate the effort you went to
but please don't do that ever again.



2. We work together - from home - in the same room. So it is challenging to have
clandestine phone conversations or even email or text conversations because we
are both in each other's business constantly. 



3. I am bad at keeping secrets.

The last time I tried to surprise Katr was several years ago when she REALLY
wanted a new iPad for Christmas. I told her that I thought it was a bit too
pricey and maybe a little unnecessary and she sadly agreed with my practical
statements. But OF COURSE I was going to surprise her with the iPad.

So I ordered it online WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER, so she wouldn't see what I
was doing. I diverted all email from Apple to a folder in my email that I didn't
open if she was in the room. I was so stealth about this thing that I thought
about adding "stealth" to my list of skillz on LinkedIn.

As the delivery date approached, we were getting a lot of other Christmas
present-style packages in the mail, so I was confident I could hide the iPad in
the shuffle of other boxes from other places. And when the UPS truck pulled up
and Katr came to the door with me because she was ALSO expecting a package from
UPS, I wasn't concerned. 

The UPS guy came to the door with two boxes and saw us both waiting there. 

"I've got packages for Roro and for Katr," he said, "who should I start with?"

"Me! Roro!" I said, matching his jocular tone.

"Okay, Roro!" he said "LET'S START WITH THE IPAD."

Why???? Why would he DO that? Katr's face filled with delight which then quickly
turned to concern as I had a FULL AND VERY REAL MELTDOWN at having my carefully
planned surprise ruined by UPS.

I'm still angry about it.

For Katr's 50th,  I took her 50 year old Snoopy plush toy to a local bear
hospital to be refurbished, a gift she CLAIMED was a huge surprise but which she
actually inspired by saying "I should get Snoopy fixed!" a few months earlier. I
wanted to do something totally unexpected. So when she mentioned that she wanted
to have a guy come and do a video trivia night at her party, I thought it would
be fun to sneak in a couple of trivia questions from...people she loves from the
internet.

Katr loves board games and she is a huge fan grrrrl of board game walk-through
duo, Anthony and Frances of Ant Lab Games. I am also a huge fan of them, ever
since the infamous Anachrony incident of 2017 - it was their 3 hour walk-through
that made the game possible. I messaged them on Facebook and asked if they would
record themselves doing a trivia question. They could NOT have been nicer or
more enthusiastic about it and this is what they sent:



Katr is also a huge fan of musician Christine Parker, partly thanks to her sweet
music video Where You Are. She got my family hooked on Christine's music as well
- and Christine had a Facebook page. You can guess what happened next:



Brian from Vancouver Trivia Party was SUPER into making this surprise happen and
sneaked the questions into his trivia set. And when they came up on the screen,
KATR WAS SURPRISED!!!!! And also pretty moved, as a fangrrrl should be. She is
adorable. Also, she knew the answers to the trivia questions, which gave her a
leg up in the game. HA ha!

Anyway, thanks, a year later, to Anthony and Frances and Christine Parker, for
taking the time to make my 50th birthday surprise dreams come true. You are
good, kind people. And happy 51st birthday, Katr!!! I am so happy you were
born!!

 

Posted at 09:51 AM in Creampuff Rants & Recs | Permalink | Comments (0)

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NOVEMBER 29, 2019


SHARPEI SATURDAY MOVES TO FRIDAY ONE TIME ONLY, ALSO IT'S ABOUT SLED DOGS

As I've discussed many times here before, I get obsessed with things fairly
easily and find myself going down various rabbit holes in pursuit of said
obsession, which is why I'm watching Nurse Jackie right now, because after
Godless and Unbelievable, I've become obsessed with Merritt Wever.


BTW, if anyone knows of a supercut of Merritt Wever's Godless scenes set to
Sarah McLachlan music, please send it my way; otherwise I might have to make it
myself and I'm terrible at editing.

Also, BTW, Godless is very violent and upsetting and Unbelievable was EXCELLENT
but very hard to watch, so I'm advising my parents not to watch them.

Anyway, back to dogs. I became interested in sled dogs watching the documentary
Ice Town: Life on the Edge, which you may remember from the time I got obsessed
with Svalbard. And when I say "interested" I mean "that seems like an
interesting thing to do that I will never do, one dog is plenty for me".

But I got full on obsessed earlier this year when musher Blair Braverman posted
the cutest Twitter thread of all time about which of her dogs might be taking on
the Iditarod this year. Click on the tweet and real the WHOLE THREAD and look at
ALL THE PICTURES, I WILL WAIT.





I'm not going to lie. I am INTO these #UglyDogs and whenever Blair (or "Bler",
as the dogs call her) posts about them, I am rapt. My favourites are Helli and
Grinch, who can only run south.





And I am still laughing about the thread entitled Surprise Bitch! It's Boudica! 





That's all for now, if you like dogs and progressive politics, you would do well
to give Ms. Braverman a follow. And if you're looking for a quick start to your
own obsession, someone more obsessed than I has created a page with links to all
of Blair Braverman and her husband Quince Mountain's best Twitter threads,
YOU'RE WELCOME.

Posted at 03:11 PM in La Pooch | Permalink | Comments (0)

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NOVEMBER 28, 2019


CREAMPUFF CLEAN SWEEP

Back when we bought our place, we were very excited to have a second bedroom to
use as our home office, because we work from home and in our old place, the
office was the dining room, which made it hard to host dinners. This place was
advertised as a "two bedroom plus den" but the "den" is the size of a walk-in
closet. We affectionately refer to it as The Nook, or, during the holidays when
I put up Christmas decorations in there, The Elf Nook.

We had dreams of turning The Nook into a craft room or a reading room as well as
a guest room. But we get a lot of deliveries due to Katr's game obsession
various reasons and this house has minimal storage and no garage, so it was
handy to store empty boxes in The Nook until we got around to taking them to the
recycling depot.

Back when Drtr lived with us, The Nook was his room, so we went to the recycle
depot a LOT more often. But we haven't had a guest in the room for a few months
and this time of year, a lot of boxes arrive and today we realized that Drtr is
coming back for a holiday visit soon and the room looks like this:



It's like a hoarder's dream, you guys. Little boxes. Big boxes. Random sheets of
paper. Take out bags from various Skip The Dishes orders. Some medical supplies
I'm holding for a friend. 500 little padded envelopes. Bags of shredded paper.

My favourite is the cable boxes in the hutch at the back. We just upgraded to
Shaw Blue Curve but didn't want to get rid of the old school PVR just in case
and it's smart we didn't because Blue Curve sucks VERY HARD and we might have to
switch back. Don't talk to Katr about this, she is ready to lose her shit.

Anyway, if you're like me, there's little that's more satisfying than a before
and after shot, so today, Katr and I got the shitty scissors and broke down all
the boxes and took them to the recycle depot. Here's the "after" shot of the Elf
Nook - eat your heart out, Marie Kondo!





After the recycle depot, we went to the Home Depot, where I took a shot of Santa
checking out some hot unicorn ass.



Posted at 04:59 PM in Rock Out With Your Cock Out | Permalink | Comments (0)

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NOVEMBER 27, 2019


CREAMPUFF'S COLD SHOULDER

As I've gotten older, I've become an increasingly delicate flower and let me
tell you, it's a drag.

My latest physical complaint is that I have a repetitive stress injury in my
right shoulder, presumably from using my right shoulder repetitively, and it
BLOWS.

I've had it for so long now that I actually taught myself to use my computer
mouse with my left hand and now at least once a quarter, Katr has to listen to
my story about my grandfather and how he was ambidextrous and how clearly I have
inherited his gift but only for mousing and using a knife at the dinner table.

I saw a physiotherapist years ago in Toronto, when the issue was more about my
neck, and he gave me some helpful exercises to do, which I still occasionally do
and my neck is still good. But the shoulder has flared up on and off for years.
Generally, if I stretch regularly and don't spend too much time playing games on
my devices, I could still write and work and knit and do yoga fatly, so I
thought it was okay.  

This summer, though, I somehow crossed into a shoulder danger zone that I didn't
even know existed and one morning I woke up and was just super fucked. I
couldn't raise my right arm above the shoulder. It was like someone had slid a
hot knife in there and then left it. And I fuckin' couldn't take an ibuprofen
because my stomach is still super special. Naturally, I used my left arm a lot
more, to compensate and then THAT shoulder started to betray me too and I felt
like I was in that episode of The Tick where some villain removes everyone's
arms and it's very hard to accomplish things.

As The Tick says at the end of that episode, "When evil is afoot and you don't
have any arms, you've gotta use your head." So I did a lot of gentle stretching
and minimal typing and hot packs and after a few days, my basic shoulder
functions returned.

"Dang," I thought, "I should probably find a physiotherapist so that I learn
some strategies to avoid this happening again!"

And then I waited for four months until things got rilly bad again and today I
finally went to see a physiotherapist.

I picked the physiotherapist practice based on two main criteria: I could walk
there and they had consistently good reviews on Google. I hadn't seen a lot of
pictures of the place, though, and when I got there, I was a little taken aback.
The office is just one big room. There was a little reception area. There was a
little exercise area where an elderly lady was being coached through some
squats. And then there were "treatment rooms", which were just very small
curtained off areas with a chair and a massage table in them, like you were
going to get a massage in the emergency room.

The receptionist led me into a "treatment room" and handed me a gown. As I sat
there, in my sassy open-backed gown, listening to an elderly gentleman moan
through his ultrasound treatment through the curtain about a foot away from me,
I felt the lack of privacy might be too much for spoiled Roro. My last
physiotherapist had a whole office to himself, with doors on it and everything.
"Oh shit," I thought, starting to panic, "AM I TOO BOURGEOIS FOR THIS
PHYSIOTHERAPIST'S OFFICE?"

And then Gina walked in and everything became okay.

Gina didn't mess around. I told her what the deal was. She poked my shoulder and
said "Whoa. Okay. Let's start with...THE MACHINES." I kinda thought we'd chat
and come up with a plan but fuck that shit. Gina IMMEDIATELY had a whole series
of things happening and I forgot that I was 12 inches away from touching Mr.
Morello as I got ultrasounded and lasered and hot packed and vibrated and
massaged and instructed in some exercises with an elastic band. It was serious
business. 

As I was leaving, exhausted and with the back of my head greasy with mineral oil
because I didn't think to bring a hair tie, Gina printed out the exercises for
me and showed me the one on the last page:

"See how, in the picture, this lady is standing on the band and putting her arms
up in a V? Not you. You're going to hold the band and shrug your shoulders up
and down."

She looked at me sternly and said: "You're not ready for the V."

She demonstrated the shrugging again, "We call this 'I', okay, so you're going
to do 'I,I,I' - it's allll about you." 

Apparently I'm not ready for the V, you guys. But Gina said maybe next week.

Posted at 05:01 PM in Hang Out With Your Wang Out | Permalink | Comments (2)

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NOVEMBER 26, 2019


ROSEWOOD CROSS 2019 - MO LASSES, MO PROBLEMS

This year in Rosewood Cross, I decided to visit some of the more residential
neighbourhoods. On the upper shelf is Rosecroft Lane, where the rich people live
and send their children to private school.



This is Scrooge's nephew Fred's place. Fred is a sweet guy who always invites
his jerky uncle to share the holidays and every year Scrooge is like "Fuck that
shit" and Fred is secretly relieved, because he's pretty sure his uncle is the
one who clogged up Fred's brand new flush toilet the one time he came over.



Outside Howard Row houses, Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds get coffee from a cart because
their cook, Sophie, ran off with some ne'er do well a week ago and now they're
fucked for hot beverages.



The coffee cart operator seems a little nervous and spills some coffee on the
ground. 



Mr. Reynolds jokes to Mrs. Reynolds that the coffee cart fellow's hands are
shaking at her beauty.

And he's not far off.

Because the coffee cart operator is actually their cook Sophie, who left their
house because she'd fallen for Mrs. Reynolds.

Sophie and Mrs. Reynolds used up all the parsnips in the pantry but in her
heart, Sophie knew pillow princess Mrs. Reynolds would never leave her rich
husband, who supports her jewelry-making business. Heartbroken, but determined,
Sophie stole away in the night, borrowed her brother's clothes and started her
own small business. What was Sophie thinking bringing the cart to back to this
neighbourhood? Hoping to catch a glimpse of her beloved? Or is she just terrible
with directions, like her brother Jolly Roger, who's just been discharged from
the Navy?



The nuns who run the boarding school step outside for some al fresco singing and
a hushed discussion about whether they should tell the Mother Superior about
their polyamorous triad.



On the lower shelf is Sweet Street, where the Scrooge's long suffering employee
Bob Crachit lives with his family. 



In the front window, you can see Mrs. Crachit setting the table for Christmas
dinner and yelling at Tiny Tim, who has used up the family's internet plan
uploading ASMR videos of him sanding his crutches to YouTube. "How the fuck am I
supposed to get that plum pudding recipe off Pinterest now, Tim?"



All kidding aside, this is a new piece in my collection and I am OBSESSED with
it. The detail is AMAZING. The Crachits!!



Next door to the Crachits is Lomas Molasses and Treacle, which give Sweet Street
its name. 



As is her tradition, Mrs. Lomas is outside selling delicious figgy puddings to
her neighbours. If you use the password - "Spotted Dick" - Mrs. Lomas will give
you a pudding from the back of the booth that has weed in it. 



Down the street from Lomas Molasses, for the right price, Billy Marsden will
give you a Pickwick Club paper and the password for the weed pudding, so try not
to look like a narc. Top hat guy - definitely a narc.



Potter and Yang's Tea Shop is a recent addition to Sweet Street, so you'd think
the young lady out front would be giving out tea samples. But she's actually a
local parfumier whom Potter and Yang have brought in to raise the tone.



"Oh, Mrs. Cartwright," says Julia the parfumier, "this scent is just heavenly on
you."

She leans in.

"But your natural scent might be even more beguiling."

Mrs. Cartwright smiles a slow smile.



 

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